Just not that into you

It’s been 3 days since the date with Richie. We messaged briefly when we got home and also the following evening. He said he’d had a nice time and what had I thought of the night and also him. He also asked me what I’d told my friends etc. From those questions you’d think I was on to a winner. Unfortunately not. Tonight’s message was .. “You’re gorgeous, lots of fun and I had a great time but there wasn’t enough spark”. Basically he’s just not that into me. I feel better now that I know and I’m not just left hanging but don’t you just hate it when they have to tell you some positives before the big “Sorry but..”. It’s almost like they’re making themselves feel better by saying something nice and then they won’t feel as guilty about letting us down. It really annoys me. But on a more positive note..because he said those words I was instantly not disappointed. Surprisingly less disappointed about the whole situation as I thought I’d be. Plus.. Do I really want to date a workaholic??

At the end of the day I had a great night out, with a good guy and he paid for my dinner. Am I going to complain?? Not really.

But now I’ve had time to sit and think about this I see things more as positive. I have been taught by my wise mother that life is a test. We can be handed gifts from the universe as tests of appreciation and we can also be handed rubbish as tests of strength. If we pass the test we are handed better gifts, but if we fail we get handed another test. If we keep failing then we never get the gift.  I’ve come to live by this rule, as I’m sure you will learn in future writing.

So this, my fellow bloggers, was just a test. A test to show me that disappointment may arise within this big old dating world. But it’s just making way for the right one (because I know he is out there) to come along. It taught me that it’s exciting to meet guys and it’s ok to have butterflies and that I can open my heart if I really try.

But what it’s mainly taught me is that I know what I’m looking for and I’m ready for.

Bring on the boys..

Cxx

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A Date with a Wealthy Giant. Pt 2

Please don’t ever judge someone by their photo. If you are on a dating app then make sure you read the bio’s and judge a person by character because the best piece of advice I was ever given was that most people look better in person. We’re going to go with just men on this one, seeing as Snapchat filters that make you look nothing like yourself is how girls portray themselves these days (Might be bitchy but I’ll press on this at another time – I don’t mean it how it sounds).

Back on to the subject.. it took Richie about an hour to get here, he lives a bit further away in the middle of nowhere. I assured him that I wouldn’t be late. even though it’s a bit of a given seeing as I am female, but it took me 20 minutes to find a car parking space meaning I ended up being 10 minutes late. I nearly never made the date though because as I driving around I drove past a guy who was taller than your average tall person. He was bald and probably heading closer towards 50 years old than the young 31 he described himself as. Now, there aren’t many people who would be that tall within a small radius of each other so obviously I assumed it was him. We all know what assume does.. makes an ass out of (you know the rest). Anyway, I almost drove off in a rage, how dare he lie about something so critical. He’s clearly not 31 and why does he have hair in all of his photo’s???!!
I thought about this for a fair time but after the third or fourth go around the block I saw him, there he was looking just like his photo’s, if not better and looking very smart indeed. In smart jeans, tan shoes and a pink shirt. I do quite like a man who can pull off pink. I eventually found a space and didn’t notice that I could park for free so wasted £3 trying to get some time on my parking ticket and then casually jotted up to the door. Feeling stressed but also feeling that if my outfit, hair and gorgeous looks don’t impress him then I’m going to throw my dolls out of the pram. I opted for a Khaki smart basic cotton dress, thick black tights and ankle boots, with some cute jewellery to finish it off. The hair was curly and the make up was natural but stunning. I felt good, which should make for a positive night.

Back to me feeling a little stressed from the parking struggle, the older, Balder tall man and the wasting of £3. I approached the restaurant and he’s being a gentleman and waiting outside. He gave me the biggest hug which made me feel instantly at ease. What I hate about the first date is that for some reason the men like to say in their loudest voice “So nice to meet you!”.. Yes because the whole of this restaurant now know that we are on our first date and will be rating us for the rest of the evening. Because that is totally what I would be doing anyway.

We get seated, we chat, I say no thanks to entrée’s or a starter but he can go ahead, he also says no. We talk some more, waitress keeps bugging us for our order so we chose our meals and then chat some more. Our meals come, they’re wrong. The table next to us have been served ours and ate it even though they didn’t order those dishes, we have friendly chit-chat with them whilst waiting for our order again. We’re being spoiled now by the waitresses as they feel bad, I catch him looking at me a couple of time whilst talking to the waitress. I also catch him looking at my tattoo. He doesn’t look like a tattoo guy but still asks about it and its meaning. He tells me he once had his nipple pierced. I’m surprised, I’m intrigued. He’s different to what I thought. I catch him looking at me again (this is a good sign surely??). We eat, I order a desert. So does he. His option wasn’t available so they replaced it with a different option. He casually says “I’ll chose the next place”. If I’m not mistaken then that would hint that he’s interested in another date? I reckon so. Smiley face.
We’re last to leave the restaurant, he gives me a hug and asks if I could let him know when I’m home and I asked him to do the same.

I left with the biggest smile on my face.

And butterflies.

This hasn’t happened to me in such a long time.. I’m scared!

C xx

 

A Date with a Wealthy Giant. Pt 1.

I’ve got a date tonight. I haven’t yet introduced Richie Rich to you so I need to do this before I run home later and tell you about my evening with him.

Yes, he’s another app man, I think all my men are going to be app men if I’m honest so should I bother telling you that bit from now on?? This time Tinder. Even though I very rarely “like” anyone on these apps, I can definitely say I’m less obliged to swipe right on Tinder. I’ve not had the best of luck with this app, the usual messages I get are “Hi”, “U ok?” and I even got asked if I wanted to sit on someones face once. He let himself down there though as he didn’t even tell me his name. Bad move.

All I needed to see on Richie’s profile was 6ft 6 and my finger uncontrollably swiped right without my brain having a conversation with my eyes. It then went one step further and took it upon itself to write a message full of banter and pressing send (As you can see I’m not afraid of sending the first message). He replied within what seemed like 30 seconds. Not sure if that’s being too keen or what?? Our conversation was ok and within a few days he asked me out for a drink. At this point I usually would have panicked but luckily for me I’m challenging myself this month to just drinking water so I had a brilliant excuse to say “Sorry, I can’t”. So, then he offers that we go for a walk somewhere nice. Hmm, Should I go for walks with strangers?? (Do you see what I do.. two brilliant excuses already). Do I just want a text relationship, would that suffice do you think?? We’ll just get married over the phone y’know, easy. Isn’t that what happens on Catfish??
Anyway, back to the subject. I actually found it quite charming that he would think of something different to do so we don’t have to sit in a pub and drink water. Points awarded to you Richie. A few weeks go by and our schedules just haven’t allowed us to meet for this walk and so he texts and tells me he’s taking me to dinner so I need to pick a day and a venue.

Richie is quite clearly very tall. He’s a tradesman, works within the family business (which he’ll soon be fully taking over) blowing up buildings or something like that. He also saves the occassional family of bats which live in the roofs of the houses he demolishes and he likes circuits (Where you run around a room or a field doing different exercises for an hour or so). He’s got a garden the size of my street and his brother has just moved to Australia which he is very upset about (Me too! But mines more jealousy) so he’s shown he’s quite sensitive too (not a trait I’m overly keen on being shown before we’ve met) but he has interesting conversation which I’m very much a fan of.

Here is my dilemma, because we’ve taken so long to meet, this has given me ample opportunity to ninja stalk the guy. I’ve now worked out that I’m not overly attracted to him (in his photo’s anyway), he’s got a big nose, a receding hairline and it looks as though he only broke up from a long-term loving relationship last month!!! Oh, and he’s wealthy, quite wealthy from what I can tell and now I’m going out for dinner with him. To a standard italian restaurant and I can only drink water. Nothing else to calm the nerves, not a glass of wine or a shot of Vodka or anything.
I haven’t got the worst bristolian accent but it’s there, I have manners but absolutely no etiquette and what if I drop sauce all over me (because that always happens). He wants to meet me somewhere for a drink before but I can’t really go in to a bar and ask for “tap water please”. I’m trying not to think about all of these little things, the nerves will pass after 5 seconds of meeting him and I’ve done this before. It’s easy! Eeeeh, Perhaps it’s not nerves, perhaps I’m actually sick. I mean I couldn’t possibly pass it on to him, should I cancel??

No C, You can do this. It’s easy.

Wish me luck,
Ciao,
C xx

 

How confident are we really?

I am the life and soul of every party. I ooze confidence, I’ve been told this by many people. For some reason they wish they could be confident like me. This is a difficult one as I really don’t see myself as confident, I don’t see what others see. But I’m not false, I don’t pretend to be someone different. What you see is definitely what you get.

But do they see what I see when I look in the mirror, do they see the thoughts that occur in my headspace, do they see that sometimes I just want to be like society says and when I say I’m glad I’m a little different can they tell that I’m not overly sure if that’s the truth.

You see, I may be outgoing and talkative and I may be the life and soul of the party and many people may want to be like me but I honestly don’t know why. I enjoy trying to improve my self-esteem, its much higher than it used to be and most days I am happy with whats in front of the mirror but it wasn’t always like this and I can promise you that I do always find a fault with myself. I question daily if that’s why I’ve been single for as long as I have..Am I just a good time girl??

If you’ve read some of my first posts you would already know that I started puberty very early and it happened very fast. Periods and pubic hair by the time I was 9. Boobs, Bum and Hips by the age of 12. I grew at a rapid rate meaning I was scarred by stretch marks since the age of 14 or 15. I was taller than everyone else by what felt like the size of the tallest tree and I don’t even want to start on the fact that I don’t ever remember a day where I was skinny. There’s a photo of when I was about 5 that proved that once upon a time I was but I don’t remember. Oh and to top it all off I smashed my gum when my adult tooth was growing through meaning I’ve gone through life with an ugly marked tooth. So to say that I don’t feel like your standard society girl would be a understatment.

Saying that, I don’t think I am ugly. I don’t think I’m fat and my height has actually grown on me (excuse the pun). I’m average, I’ve got pretty eyes. I’ve got beautiful hair, my curves will rock it for the right man and my personality shines for miles. And 90% of the time I hate society anyway!

But please excuse me if I don’t believe you when you tell me I’m stunning, and when you tell me I don’t look fat and when you tell me my outfit is gorgeous and that I have a pretty smile. I’ll thank you and I’ll take your compliment and I’ll feel good about myself but I’ll never be what society says I should be and sometimes, just sometimes I might want to experience what that feels like.

From the bottom of my heart.
Beautiful C xx

 

Mr Interview

I need to discuss Mr Interview before he becomes another D.

I’m a big fan of the Law of Attraction. I believe it works and I’ve watched it work for me and for a few of my friends. There is a You tube video which I love to watch over and over again. It’s called Finding love using Law of Attraction, If you are a fan of Love then this is such a beautiful story.
A while back I was told to vision my perfect guy. As most would only be able to do when asked to picture something, I concentrated on the looks. I visioned a tall man with a bit of a beard (not too much), glasses, good body but not over top. He had to be quite sexual, up for banter with a great personality. I left it at this.

Now back to my amazing date app. Again, a little bored one evening and just casually scrolling through and “Whoa..STOP. Hold. There he is”. The man I visioned is right in front of me. “You, sir, are very pleasing to the eye and I want to get to know you!”. I click yes, we match and I’m not letting him get away that easily so I message. He responds, we chat maybe one message each a day. It’s very slow, and if I’m honest, a little bit boring.
I’m on holiday and all of a sudden, he’s showing more interest. He’s responding quicker, he’s showing banter, things are looking up. Maybe my vision is appearing. I asked for a guy who looked just like him and who could keep up with my banter. But what did I also ask for? Someone sexual! So what happens next.. A dick pic! I’m not really quite sure what to do with this, it arrives spontaneously right in the middle of a conversation that has nothing to do with dicks. Now, I’m very sexual and I’ve been known to enjoy myself a few times but I’ve never really had a thing for one night stands or a “Just Sex” kind of relationship. It’s just not me. I tried it once and it really didn’t work for me. But at that moment, I’m still thinking that Law of Attraction has worked for me. It just seems there has been some miscommunication and that me and the universe just need an urgent meeting to discuss and all will be fine. I play along for a while, he gets nothing in return. Then he asks me if I’d be willing to answer a list of questions. I play along and we role play into “An Interview”. I was impressed with the conversation, definitely impressed with my interview skills and I was pretty sure I had the job. I was intrigued where this could go.

We’ve been chatting on and off since then and I have been led down the sexual banter path. So many people would tell me that this is going to end bad. Half my friends believe I should walk away, the other half think I should do it! Me.. I want to do it. I want to try something new, something I’ve never done. I want to test my nerves and excite my bones.  I’ve gone so far down the path now that I’ve seen what this guy has in his garden and it’s not the garden in which I’d like to settle but it’s definitely a garden I’d like to visit. I’m still yet to find his true personality (if there is one) and there is no doubt that this man is just out for the sex. I’m 31, I’m clued up, I’m not naive and I’m sure that if I go in with that mind frame then I’ll be just fine.
At the moment I’m just talking to a screen, there is a danger that it isn’t him, I’m aware of this danger and I’m aware what I’m walking in to but I’m lost in the garden now and the only way I can get back out is by walking into the danger.

Now do you understand why I needed you to hear this story. He won’t be the subject for long but while he is, I’d like to share it with you. I think it’ll be fun.

Laters,
C xx

 

Attacked by Panic

Slipping away from the usual chatter. To something quite close to my heart. If you can read through my waffling then you’ll make it to the important bit.

Did you know that we are only born with two fears? The fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. We learn all other fears by the things we have watched throughout our lives. Whether it be caused by something that has happened to us, or something we’ve dreamt etc.
My ex told me this while I was running away from a spider one day. He was always full of interesting useless information. But I can remember stopping and thinking about this one. I thought about the fears I have and how they could have come about.
Wasps – Ugly things. I’ve often wondered if they’re jealous of their fellow buzzing insects and maybe this is why they’re so angry. Let’s face it, Bumble Bee’s are pretty damn cute, and they don’t want to hurt you if they don’t have to. But wasps.. No no, Wasps are out to get us. We’ve upset too many and now they want revenge. I was stung a few times as a child. For anyone who has been stung by a wasp then you’ll understand why I’m so angry at them. They always win a war with me. I hide my eyes (So I can’t see them), I scream and sometimes I even run. But they will always win. Every bloody time.
Spiders – The standard fear. I’m pleased to say that this fear is slowly leaving. After my time in Australia where I was constantly on Spider watch but never actually saw one (surprisingly disappointed), I came to the realisation that if I can live in Australia and survive the spiders then I’m pretty sure I’ll be safe in the UK. This isn’t to say I want to share a bedroom with one though, or a bed for that matter. Anyway, this fear most definitely developed through my childhood whilst watching mum get locked out of a room one day when dad was out. The spider was in control and he sent us to our room until dad returned to save the day!

But my biggest fear.. being around sick people. Whether its a cold or Flu, or sickness bugs, or depression etc. I try so hard, I try to be sympathetic and help in whatever way I can, I can hide how I’m feeling quite well but the anxiety and panic that builds up inside of me is unreal. Sometimes I feel guilty for this and I’m sure no one really understands. I guess I just seem heartless and unsympathetic. Selfish because “it’ll be different when I’m sick”.

I was 7 when my mum first got diagnosed with having a Nervous breakdown. I remember the days leading up to this like it happened yesterday. I can detail every point which screamed “Nervous Breakdown!!” The crazy car journey, the shouting, the panic attacks, the crying. But I was 7. I had no idea what was going on. Mum was behaving weird, mum was crying, mum slept all the time, I wasn’t allowed to see mum because “She’s with the doctor”. I don’t remember the emotions I felt. And I can only really remember the first day. I refused to go to school, probably because I didn’t understand what was happening and why we weren’t allowed to see her that morning. But I do remember that it lasted a long time. I remember the tablets she took for the next 20 years. I remember how ill she looked, and her refusing to answer the phone. Probably all small things to you, but big things to us. But when did mum become so scared of life? I know her story. I know she had to be strong when she was younger.  We talk, we share things. What with her past and then both her parents dying within a small period of time, my dad becoming ill and his diabetes putting him in hospital and then my brother having surgery on his arm for an extremely bad break its no wonder this happened.

If you met her then you’d never guess that she has this. She got better, she controlled it but it’s depression and depression doesn’t just go away.
So, next time when someone close by is panicking because their fear has over taken a second of their life. Don’t laugh, don’t make things worse, don’t tell them not to be so silly. Just remember, you don’t know their story. And maybe your fear is just as silly as theirs is.

Stay calm, and peace out.
C xx

Aside

Introducing D

We’re not going to talk about this one much more (if ever) after this post. But if you are going to follow my adventures in the dating game then I feel you should be told about anyone who I welcomed into my life after my return home from the other side of the world. So, unfortunately this means hearing all about Man number 1.

Before I start, I need to make you all very aware that I do not usually let men into my heart. I don’t know why, and I can’t explain why my brain sends these messages to my heart. All I know is that if I can find a problem to help me avoid this situation then I shall find it. Even if it’s that they don’t tie their shoelaces correctly! However, I came back with a fresh heart and a fresh head and I’m putting myself through the struggle of forgetting the issues and just going for it :-/

Okay.. D.. This was an odd one. I downloaded this cool app that lets you match with people who you’ve passed and if you like each other then you can chat.
I was on my way home from a friends one night when I found myself stopping in the middle of the road because an old fragile man had fallen outside of a shop and no one was helping him. It took me a while to register that he was the local drunk and clearly all the help in the world wouldn’t help him. I was brought out of this frenzy by a giant red truck beeping its horn and asking me to move along. The giant red truck was of course a fire engine so in a fluster I moved along and at the following traffic lights I had a few flirty smiles and a wave (oh wait, the wave was me).
I got home checked the app and low and behold in front of me was what seemed like a fireman. We’d crossed paths at the traffic lights where I’d been eye flirting with 5 or more men in uniforms. So, of course.. he must be one of them right?? I clicked like, we matched, he messaged, we chatted non stop for weeks.

I find out he wasn’t one of the firemen. I often wonder if I’d have clicked the button if I’d have known this, but then we wouldn’t have this story to tell either.

A few weeks down the line, we’re getting on great. Still haven’t met but its inevitable that it’s going to happen. I’m having a few drinks out with a friend one night and he lets me know he is in the bar next door. Would have been rude to not say hello. So off we trot. My first initial reaction was that he wasn’t my type. He was skinny, I didn’t particularly like his attire and he was so embarrassed that I then started feeling uncomfortable. The bar was rammed, couldn’t move and couldn’t even get a drink so we all decide to head somewhere else. 4 hours later we’ve all had a little too much to drink, we’re dancing in a nightclub and we’re all thinking its time to go home.
Next day we talk about headaches and how we’re too old to be behaving like that and agree we should meet properly, without the alcohol. A week or so passes and we do. His personality was just spot on. I would never fault that and I think that was the reason I was starting to find him quite attractive. We went for coffee, then for a drink, we laughed all afternoon and he then asked if he could see me again the next day.. Winner!

Facebook says he lost his phone. Which I believe. But he never got back to me about the next day. Later the next day I bump into him at one of night spots of Bristol. He used the word stalker I’m guessing about 8 or 9 times. First 3 were funny, then not so funny, then really actually quite irritating so I left him to fall out of the door drunk a few hours later whilst I was enjoying my time on the dance floor with my friend.

4 or 5 days passed and I’m questioning what happened but learning to deal with another one biting the dust. Then, out of the blue appears a message apologizing for his behavior, letting me know everything went wrong and that he’d message me properly after work.

I never got the follow up. He definitely got deleted though and we will never know what happened.

Why did I tell you this?? Well.. this is my life. I question whether I don’t put in enough effort, or if I put in too much effort. I’m not so upset about the rejection. What bothers me is the follow ups. No message means I get the message. So why message to confuse the message? Females are constantly told they read in to everything. If you didn’t give us anything to read then you’d make your lives a whole lot easier.
Confused?? I am!

Here’s to the next..
C xx