Attacked by Panic

Slipping away from the usual chatter. To something quite close to my heart. If you can read through my waffling then you’ll make it to the important bit.

Did you know that we are only born with two fears? The fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. We learn all other fears by the things we have watched throughout our lives. Whether it be caused by something that has happened to us, or something we’ve dreamt etc.
My ex told me this while I was running away from a spider one day. He was always full of interesting useless information. But I can remember stopping and thinking about this one. I thought about the fears I have and how they could have come about.
Wasps – Ugly things. I’ve often wondered if they’re jealous of their fellow buzzing insects and maybe this is why they’re so angry. Let’s face it, Bumble Bee’s are pretty damn cute, and they don’t want to hurt you if they don’t have to. But wasps.. No no, Wasps are out to get us. We’ve upset too many and now they want revenge. I was stung a few times as a child. For anyone who has been stung by a wasp then you’ll understand why I’m so angry at them. They always win a war with me. I hide my eyes (So I can’t see them), I scream and sometimes I even run. But they will always win. Every bloody time.
Spiders – The standard fear. I’m pleased to say that this fear is slowly leaving. After my time in Australia where I was constantly on Spider watch but never actually saw one (surprisingly disappointed), I came to the realisation that if I can live in Australia and survive the spiders then I’m pretty sure I’ll be safe in the UK. This isn’t to say I want to share a bedroom with one though, or a bed for that matter. Anyway, this fear most definitely developed through my childhood whilst watching mum get locked out of a room one day when dad was out. The spider was in control and he sent us to our room until dad returned to save the day!

But my biggest fear.. being around sick people. Whether its a cold or Flu, or sickness bugs, or depression etc. I try so hard, I try to be sympathetic and help in whatever way I can, I can hide how I’m feeling quite well but the anxiety and panic that builds up inside of me is unreal. Sometimes I feel guilty for this and I’m sure no one really understands. I guess I just seem heartless and unsympathetic. Selfish because “it’ll be different when I’m sick”.

I was 7 when my mum first got diagnosed with having a Nervous breakdown. I remember the days leading up to this like it happened yesterday. I can detail every point which screamed “Nervous Breakdown!!” The crazy car journey, the shouting, the panic attacks, the crying. But I was 7. I had no idea what was going on. Mum was behaving weird, mum was crying, mum slept all the time, I wasn’t allowed to see mum because “She’s with the doctor”. I don’t remember the emotions I felt. And I can only really remember the first day. I refused to go to school, probably because I didn’t understand what was happening and why we weren’t allowed to see her that morning. But I do remember that it lasted a long time. I remember the tablets she took for the next 20 years. I remember how ill she looked, and her refusing to answer the phone. Probably all small things to you, but big things to us. But when did mum become so scared of life? I know her story. I know she had to be strong when she was younger.  We talk, we share things. What with her past and then both her parents dying within a small period of time, my dad becoming ill and his diabetes putting him in hospital and then my brother having surgery on his arm for an extremely bad break its no wonder this happened.

If you met her then you’d never guess that she has this. She got better, she controlled it but it’s depression and depression doesn’t just go away.
So, next time when someone close by is panicking because their fear has over taken a second of their life. Don’t laugh, don’t make things worse, don’t tell them not to be so silly. Just remember, you don’t know their story. And maybe your fear is just as silly as theirs is.

Stay calm, and peace out.
C xx

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