How confident are we really?

I am the life and soul of every party. I ooze confidence, I’ve been told this by many people. For some reason they wish they could be confident like me. This is a difficult one as I really don’t see myself as confident, I don’t see what others see. But I’m not false, I don’t pretend to be someone different. What you see is definitely what you get.

But do they see what I see when I look in the mirror, do they see the thoughts that occur in my headspace, do they see that sometimes I just want to be like society says and when I say I’m glad I’m a little different can they tell that I’m not overly sure if that’s the truth.

You see, I may be outgoing and talkative and I may be the life and soul of the party and many people may want to be like me but I honestly don’t know why. I enjoy trying to improve my self-esteem, its much higher than it used to be and most days I am happy with whats in front of the mirror but it wasn’t always like this and I can promise you that I do always find a fault with myself. I question daily if that’s why I’ve been single for as long as I have..Am I just a good time girl??

If you’ve read some of my first posts you would already know that I started puberty very early and it happened very fast. Periods and pubic hair by the time I was 9. Boobs, Bum and Hips by the age of 12. I grew at a rapid rate meaning I was scarred by stretch marks since the age of 14 or 15. I was taller than everyone else by what felt like the size of the tallest tree and I don’t even want to start on the fact that I don’t ever remember a day where I was skinny. There’s a photo of when I was about 5 that proved that once upon a time I was but I don’t remember. Oh and to top it all off I smashed my gum when my adult tooth was growing through meaning I’ve gone through life with an ugly marked tooth. So to say that I don’t feel like your standard society girl would be a understatment.

Saying that, I don’t think I am ugly. I don’t think I’m fat and my height has actually grown on me (excuse the pun). I’m average, I’ve got pretty eyes. I’ve got beautiful hair, my curves will rock it for the right man and my personality shines for miles. And 90% of the time I hate society anyway!

But please excuse me if I don’t believe you when you tell me I’m stunning, and when you tell me I don’t look fat and when you tell me my outfit is gorgeous and that I have a pretty smile. I’ll thank you and I’ll take your compliment and I’ll feel good about myself but I’ll never be what society says I should be and sometimes, just sometimes I might want to experience what that feels like.

From the bottom of my heart.
Beautiful C xx

 

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