Papa, I do love you, I promise.

“Smile, It’s Christmas!!” If one more person says that to me before the end of next week I may have a Nervous Breakdown (I’m allowed to make fun of Mental Health, It’s in my genes).

This week has been horrendous on my brain. So much so that tonight I sat on the end of my bed, cried and had an argument with the wall. Obviously pretending that the wall was in fact the world. It’s just the wall was easier to reach.
Nothing major has happened to me this week, and to be honest nothing really minor has happened but I’m just about ready to explode over small things so god help anyone who might get in my way between now and Christmas Eve (Xmas Eve you’ll be fine as I’ll be drinking most of the day so do what you wish to me).

I think once I’d taken my frustration out on the wall I realised what the main factor for my breakdown was. My dad. Sometimes he can suffocate me with love and fussing and sometimes I just want to scream at him to leave me alone but I’d break his heart.
I’m a daddies girl, he is my number 1 and he always will be. My absolute hero, I can’t remember when he became this because I don’t ever remember a time that I wasn’t by his side. Maybe it was because he held my family together at a point when mum nearly got taken away. Maybe it’s because he looked after her and stuck by her side whilst making sure me and my brother were kept sane too. Or maybe it’s just because I was lucky enough to have the relationship every daughter should have with their daddy.
But sometimes, just sometimes, he can really do my head in!! Like at the moment for instance. He is grilling me about everything. Here are a few:

  • Where are you going? What time will you be home? Who are you going out with? (I’m going on a date. With a man I’ve never met. And I may stay at his. Wink Wink nudge nudge???)
  • Where have you parked? Is it safe? Are you parked over a driveway? Are you on doubles lines? (No. I’m an idiot and I love getting parking fines!)
  • Do you have any glasses in your room? Do you have any plates in your room? Everything has gone missing, you must have it in your room! (Because, I just must??)

The other night I passed him walking the dog on the way home from work, I didn’t see him but he assures me he waved and that there was someone in my car. I definitely had no one in my car. Either it wasn’t me that he saw or I have a ghost driving around with me. That was 4 days ago and he is still adamant that I’m keeping secrets from him.

Then the latest one tonight (which is what sent me over the edge) was about my car. I’m due to drive 130 miles north this weekend to see my friend from Australia. I have a rear side light out, which is dangerous on the motorway so I did as he asked and I went and bought a bulb so he could fit it in time for me to leave. He goes to fit it tonight and it turned into an episode of Eastenders. I had the wrong bulb, then it wasn’t the bulb it was the fuse and now he’s worrying about me driving all that way. Seriously??? I’ve been around the world, and you are worrying about me driving 130 miles??

It’s not even worth moaning about I’m sure but sometimes one thing reminds you of the last 5 things which have bugged you and it’s kind of like blowing a balloon up. Just one more tiny blow and BANG.. It can’t take anymore and it explodes! I’ve reached this point.

But because I love him so much, even writing this blog just to vent it and get it out of my system tugs on my heart strings a little. He’ll never know I’ve said this because he probably doesn’t even know what a “Blog” is. But I don’t really mean what I say, I’m just angry. Because of these tiny things, I’m on a downer. I’m in a negative little bubble and I cannot get out of it and every little mole hill I am turning into a mountain.

When I first started dating my ex boyfriend he got so jealous, he felt he’d been replaced by a new man. When I moved out he thought I’d never visit him again. 8 years later when I broke down and told my parents how unhappy I was with my boyfriend he cuddled me, brought me tea and chocolates and then hugged me some more, probably relieved that he had me back but obviously trying to mend the heart that was very clearly breaking.
When he got diagnosed with Cancer a few years ago I didn’t know how to behave. I knew he’d be fine, it wasn’t even an aggressive type and an operation cured him so we were a very lucky family to keep him. But I felt guilty for being so calm and not having the emotion I thought I’d have if that day ever came.
I didn’t go travelling sooner incase I never saw him again, sounds mad right?! But I couldn’t bare being away and getting a phonecall to say that I’d missed my goodbye. It happened to my cousin whilst she was over here from NZ, that dreaded phonecall where you almost think someone is playing a sick prank. But it frightened me. That was his brother, his other brother is also gone and both of his parents. He’s the last one left. So he had to sit me down, whilst listening to me sob my heart out and promise me he’d still be here when I got home. He kept his promise.

I love that man. He’s my dad and I know he just wants to look after me and keep me safe. But sometimes I just want to be the 31 year old adult he’s helped me to become and sometimes he doesn’t realize that just sometimes he just doesn’t let me.

Forever, always my number 1 man.

C xx

Those times when you feel f*@cking amazing!!

It was Christmas Party night last night. I work in a small salon self-employed but its one of my best friends shops so her and her husband paid for us all. A lovely evening of comedy, pies and dancing.
I love dressing up and feeling great, but I don’t do it very often anymore as now I’m a girl in her 30’s I much prefer the local pubs. Dressing up for those nights is a bit of mascara and a spritz of perfume. So to say I was excited to get the sparkly outfits and the jewellery out was an understatement. However, being the most unorganised female I think ever existed I didn’t really think about looking for a new dress until a few days before, then bought about 10 and didn’t like any of them. I finally opted for a beautiful green top and sequin skirt (we won’t even go into the skirt situation!!).

So. All dressed up, hair and make up looking fab. Mini skirt showing off the length of my extraordinary long legs, and top showing just about the right amount of skin but hiding the terrible tan mark I left on my arm (again, because I’m so unorganised I decided to tan at 1.30am the morning before). I was feeling really really beautiful and good about myself.

I’ve been thinking about Mr Interview quite a bit this week, thinking that its Christmas Party weekend and that maybe I’ll eventually bump into him some place. It’d be good to see him in real life. Please bare in mind that I haven’t spoken to this guy in about 6 weeks now so why I was manifesting this in my head I have no idea. Anyway, they say if you think about something enough then it attracts the scenario. And as we have realised previously the universe is giving me a hand lately.
I’m enjoying some comedy and who appears on my phone??! Only MR BLOODY INTERVIEW! Like, seriously world. What are you doing to me. It was only a plain and simple “Hey”. And clearly that shouts Booty Call but I couldn’t resist.. I sent a cheeky couple of texts back. Not cheeky as in flirty. More the casual “Hey” back. And then a bit of “Yeh, out” and maybe a bit of “Xmas Party” when he asked where I was. Thankfully my phone battery died not long after as I did not want to show him that he could have me just like that thankyou very much (although, he definitely maybe probably could!).

Going back to how good I felt, before Mr Interview rudely interrupted. Everywhere I went last night I was star of the show. You’ve got your pretty, skinny little things that look gorgeous but you often wonder what they wake up looking like once the make up has been removed. But last night, I was the woman with the legs, and the hips, and the amazing hair, and the big green eyes (because even though they’re hazel some days they appear much more greener). At one point I had to turn to my friend and ask if my skirt had ridden up my backside and was everything hanging out as I had a half-moon shape circle form around me of guys just giving me the eye. I had a few guys try to chat me up (no chance mate), I even had one guy (who would have had a chance) watching me from across the dance floor and finally come across to, I thought, speak to me and then my beauty must have made him so nervous he walked back away and just studied me from the distance all night. Men are strange creatures.

This may make you believe that I have a huge ego and that I love attention (Who doesn’t) but here’s the thing.
I don’t like attention. I don’t enjoy dancing with a load of men circling and ogling at me. I don’t like men trying to get with me in bars and clubs. And I most certainly don’t want them trying to dance or touch me.
But what I do like is feeling confident, I see the looks on the guys faces and they’re not ones of a threatening manner, they’re looks of “That girl is fine, but she ain’t gonna come home with me so I’ll just enjoy the view and when she smiles, I’ll smile back”. Men tell me I’m beautiful all the time. But sometimes, saying it to yourself and believing it gives you more of an ego boost than when the fit guy that everyone wants says it to you whilst smacking your bum. And that’s when you know you’re on the right track in your quest to love yourself. I’m proud that I don’t need a man to tell me this, and I’m proud that when I say it to myself, I bloody well believe it!

When something is missing…

I’ve just completed Date 4 with Pokemon (I’m not sure why I’m calling him Pokemon anymore but we’ll carry on with that one).
So yeh..Date 4!!!! To be honest it feels more like Date 20 as it feels like I never didn’t know him. I stayed last night but the deed still wasn’t done. I used the excuse of a lack of waxing, which wasn’t really an excuse. It is getting a bit foresty down there (The joys of working in a  busy salon – there is never enough time to fit your own appointments in) and I just wouldn’t put him through that. But I don’t think I could do it with him anyway. No offence to him.. keep reading and you’ll understand why.

I hear you ask how did I get to date 4? Last time I posted I’d maybe only just completed date 1? So we went for dinner for date 2 and whilst out for dinner we discussed Longleat safari park which is about an hour away from home but I’d never been, so he offered to take me. And there we have it..Date 3; A week later, we went for a day out at a safari park. It was so much fun, his company is on point, his banter is perfect. He made me a bacon sandwich for the trip there, that is most certainly a way in to this girls heart. He’s very touchy feely (which I’d probably love if it was the right person), he’s not at all clingy which scores him massive points, but something is missing and this makes me sad. If you were to ask me if I liked him then I’d say Definitely. If you asked me if I wanted to be with him then I’d say No.
I can’t quite get a grip onto what it is that’s missing, or if it is just that I’m not attracted to him. Maybe it’s his weight (or lack of), maybe it’s his height (again, or lack of). I don’t know but I know it’s maybe time to let him know how I’m feeling 😦

I was going to tell him before date 3 but I really wanted to spend the day with him. Then I was going to tell him after date 3 but I realized one night that I really wanted to see him so I guessed maybe there were more feelings and maybe I needed to just go with the flow, its only date 3 after all. But now we’re heading on to date 5, I’ve stayed the night, we’ve discussed personal stuff. I want to stay friends but I’m sure he doesn’t need anymore friends.
So this week is the week to break the silence and discuss how I’m feeling. Wish me luck :-/

C xxx