Papa, I do love you, I promise.

“Smile, It’s Christmas!!” If one more person says that to me before the end of next week I may have a Nervous Breakdown (I’m allowed to make fun of Mental Health, It’s in my genes).

This week has been horrendous on my brain. So much so that tonight I sat on the end of my bed, cried and had an argument with the wall. Obviously pretending that the wall was in fact the world. It’s just the wall was easier to reach.
Nothing major has happened to me this week, and to be honest nothing really minor has happened but I’m just about ready to explode over small things so god help anyone who might get in my way between now and Christmas Eve (Xmas Eve you’ll be fine as I’ll be drinking most of the day so do what you wish to me).

I think once I’d taken my frustration out on the wall I realised what the main factor for my breakdown was. My dad. Sometimes he can suffocate me with love and fussing and sometimes I just want to scream at him to leave me alone but I’d break his heart.
I’m a daddies girl, he is my number 1 and he always will be. My absolute hero, I can’t remember when he became this because I don’t ever remember a time that I wasn’t by his side. Maybe it was because he held my family together at a point when mum nearly got taken away. Maybe it’s because he looked after her and stuck by her side whilst making sure me and my brother were kept sane too. Or maybe it’s just because I was lucky enough to have the relationship every daughter should have with their daddy.
But sometimes, just sometimes, he can really do my head in!! Like at the moment for instance. He is grilling me about everything. Here are a few:

  • Where are you going? What time will you be home? Who are you going out with? (I’m going on a date. With a man I’ve never met. And I may stay at his. Wink Wink nudge nudge???)
  • Where have you parked? Is it safe? Are you parked over a driveway? Are you on doubles lines? (No. I’m an idiot and I love getting parking fines!)
  • Do you have any glasses in your room? Do you have any plates in your room? Everything has gone missing, you must have it in your room! (Because, I just must??)

The other night I passed him walking the dog on the way home from work, I didn’t see him but he assures me he waved and that there was someone in my car. I definitely had no one in my car. Either it wasn’t me that he saw or I have a ghost driving around with me. That was 4 days ago and he is still adamant that I’m keeping secrets from him.

Then the latest one tonight (which is what sent me over the edge) was about my car. I’m due to drive 130 miles north this weekend to see my friend from Australia. I have a rear side light out, which is dangerous on the motorway so I did as he asked and I went and bought a bulb so he could fit it in time for me to leave. He goes to fit it tonight and it turned into an episode of Eastenders. I had the wrong bulb, then it wasn’t the bulb it was the fuse and now he’s worrying about me driving all that way. Seriously??? I’ve been around the world, and you are worrying about me driving 130 miles??

It’s not even worth moaning about I’m sure but sometimes one thing reminds you of the last 5 things which have bugged you and it’s kind of like blowing a balloon up. Just one more tiny blow and BANG.. It can’t take anymore and it explodes! I’ve reached this point.

But because I love him so much, even writing this blog just to vent it and get it out of my system tugs on my heart strings a little. He’ll never know I’ve said this because he probably doesn’t even know what a “Blog” is. But I don’t really mean what I say, I’m just angry. Because of these tiny things, I’m on a downer. I’m in a negative little bubble and I cannot get out of it and every little mole hill I am turning into a mountain.

When I first started dating my ex boyfriend he got so jealous, he felt he’d been replaced by a new man. When I moved out he thought I’d never visit him again. 8 years later when I broke down and told my parents how unhappy I was with my boyfriend he cuddled me, brought me tea and chocolates and then hugged me some more, probably relieved that he had me back but obviously trying to mend the heart that was very clearly breaking.
When he got diagnosed with Cancer a few years ago I didn’t know how to behave. I knew he’d be fine, it wasn’t even an aggressive type and an operation cured him so we were a very lucky family to keep him. But I felt guilty for being so calm and not having the emotion I thought I’d have if that day ever came.
I didn’t go travelling sooner incase I never saw him again, sounds mad right?! But I couldn’t bare being away and getting a phonecall to say that I’d missed my goodbye. It happened to my cousin whilst she was over here from NZ, that dreaded phonecall where you almost think someone is playing a sick prank. But it frightened me. That was his brother, his other brother is also gone and both of his parents. He’s the last one left. So he had to sit me down, whilst listening to me sob my heart out and promise me he’d still be here when I got home. He kept his promise.

I love that man. He’s my dad and I know he just wants to look after me and keep me safe. But sometimes I just want to be the 31 year old adult he’s helped me to become and sometimes he doesn’t realize that just sometimes he just doesn’t let me.

Forever, always my number 1 man.

C xx

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