I’m not sure I’m ready to get off..

Amble, a slow walk. Taking your time to smell the flowers, feel the leaves, hear nature, smell the fresh air. Don’t rush. Enjoy life. Because if you think about it, life itself goes by quite fast, so why do we rush it forward even more?! (I started writing this blog yesterday..when the daily prompt was Amble). But the sentence fits so I’m keeping it. 

I met Mr Interview the other evening. I know…a year in the making! I thought it was about time I just bit the bullet and went for it. I hadn’t spoken to him in maybe 4 months and just like that he reappeared. Everywhere. In my head, on the phone and then in the street. His chat had changed this time, it was different, still mainly sex but speaking of holidays, the day, ourselves. He’s that good that he knew I wouldn’t have responded much if he hadn’t have changed his game. Silly me!! I knew exactly what would happen, why do you think I hadn’t met him. I’m not a strong person when it comes to relationships, casual or serious ones. I’m still trying to understand why I’m not strong and how I can be stronger. I put on a front but hey who am I fooling? Just myself. I’ve spent numerous hours, days and weeks working on liking myself, accepting my body and realising that my personality really outshines my flaws but something is obviously not fixed and I still need to realise what that is. 

So I went to his, we chatted and then we did the deed. I got right into it but maybe I didn’t put my all into it, which I should have done. Now at the time I thought I was shining, I’m always quite confident in bed, I like the lights on, I don’t worry about my body and I get involved. But something is telling me that something wasn’t right. This should spell out that maybe there was no spark but to me this spells out that he didn’t like my body, I wasn’t good enough in bed and he didn’t find me attractive. I’m worrying that he faked his orgasm, I’m worrying that he’s wishing he never wasted his time. My demons are running wild with me. Which is really fucking annoying as I know none of this is actually what’s happening in the real world. He walked me home after which probably didn’t help with the effect his charm and great looks has had on. There isn’t many men who would offer to walk you home safe..is there?? 

I think I expected too much even though I knew this is what would happen. I thought if we’d been talking for all this time then it would take a little more than an hour or so to chose to never speak to me again. (I say never again, he’s been polite enough to answer my texts). 

I’ve been on this Carousel now for well over a year, I was really enjoying it but now I’m starting to feel dizzy, I think I should get off but if I’m honest I don’t really want to. But do carousels do anything else but go round in circles and does this mean I’m ready to upgrade to the rollercoaster now instead..

Words of advice, kindness and feedback will help massively today. Comments on a postcard please xxx

Thanks pressers 

C xxx

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A letter to the girl behind the mask 

Dear Charlee, 

I wish sometimes you’d be more honest with yourself. It’s so easy to smile and get on with life but if you ever just stopped and looked around you’d see that all those things you try to hide from everyone isn’t actually hidden at all. People can see the vulnerable little girl that’s so desperate to get out and say so much, to love someone, to have someone love you. It isn’t a bad thing to be vulnerable y’know. It’s quite normal, everyone at some point in their lives will experience it and you should be proud that you’re able to experience such emotion. No one will think any less of you, if anything they’ll think much more of you. For being strong when for so long you’ve actually been incredibly weak. 

A lot of people love you. You know this. You are an exceptionally good human being with such a beautiful heart. You feel so strongly for those who are hurting and you will always put others first. So why is it so wrong for you to feel the same emotions as these people you are so keen to help. Do you judge those? No. So why judge yourself??

I hate it when you look in the mirror and tell yourself you aren’t worth it. You’re beautiful. I know you think everyone just says that to make you feel better but you really are. You’ve got a beautiful soul and it shines through out of your eyes. It’s hard to hide when you’re feeling down. Your eyes show it. Your eyes are showing it now. You aren’t yourself but you won’t be beaten and it’s so frustrating to watch you beat yourself up. 

You know that the universe is waiting to give you real love, you know how much the universe loves you and it’s not just going to send you any old piece of crap. You need the real thing, that unconditional feeling that not everyone gets to experience. You will, and you know he’s on his way. Just believe in yourself, you want a man who is going to look after you but who is going to put you in line when you need to be. He can’t do that whilst you are busy beating yourself up. He needs you at your best. 

Stop going back to the past. It was never always your fault. Life is full of ups and downs, lessons, teaching. Shit happens. You aren’t the only one it’s happened to and you sure as hell are lucky compared to some of the break ups and heart breaks I’ve seen. 

Darling, put yourself out there. Don’t be shy, or scared, or pretend to be that person you aren’t. Someone is going to fall so hard in love with you that you’ll understand why it took so long. He’s going to make you realise how amazing you are and he’s going to help you finally love yourself. It’s going to be wonderful. 


Get out there, swallow that pride and don’t give one hoot about what anyone thinks of you, anyone who looks down on you or who judges you. You give advice every day of your life so start following that advice yourself and practice what you preach. 

I love you. Forever. 

C xx

I lost myself 

I haven’t posted for a few months. Actually more than a few months.

Something unfortunate happened to me. It’s still happening to me. But today is a bit of a “wake up” and I found the urge to write it down. For my own sanity more than anything.

I found someone. Someone who opened this heart more than anyone has done for quite some years. I haven’t fallen in love with him, to be honest I’m not even close. But I have developed a crazy amount of feelings for him and somehow have lost all of my power. The unfortunate thing is that.. He has a girlfriend!!!

It was never my intention to get this involved, although I probably should have questioned why I even decided to dive into conversations with him knowing he had a girlfriend. I knew him from school..kinda. I bumped into him in a bar, wanted a photo, sent the photo to myself from his phone and so it began. I laid the law down from the start, I put him back in his box whenever he needed to go back in. I owned the power. But he owned the charm, which is what’s got me into this mess! When you tell someone that something isn’t going to happen, you have to stick to that, don’t fall for any bull shit that leaves their mouth, as much as it makes you feel special. DO NOT GIVE IN! It wasn’t long before he’d convinced me to go for innocent lunch. It was innocent, apart from the fact that I got butterflies and it was probably better than any proper date I’d been on for a while. He told me for the 7000th time that he isn’t usually like this and he doesn’t talk to other girls etc etc. To be honest, my gut told me to believe that part. As much as that sounds ridiculous. My head however questioned the gut and it all got very confusing.

To cut a long story short, we’ve seen each other a few times and they’ve not all been innocent. I’ve told him numerous times that I can’t do this and I can’t hurt her or myself. I mean he’s ok isn’t he, he’ll win whichever way. I’ve lost the power of the situation and he knows this. He no longer tries to charm me (probably because he doesn’t need to anymore) and he is never first to suggest to see me. I understand that he has to be careful but FYI young man.. there is only so much power this girl will let you have. And today, I’m taking it back.

Today I was supposed to see him, again because I asked if I could. But I wanted to see how much he wanted to see me so I passed the ball to him to ask me in a few days. He didn’t. When I reminded him of the plans he said he thought I wasn’t interested as I hadn’t mentioned it again. Anyone else calling bullshit on this?? So I cancelled the later plans and I think it’s pretty obvious to him that I’m done with it. Today I’m pissed off, so it’s easier to gain the control of myself back. But I am concerned that I will lose it again when all is forgiven in a few days.

To him.. I really hope you don’t do this often. More so for all of the trust you’re taking away from people.

To his girlfriend… I’m very sorry. I didn’t try hard enough to keep him away.

To myself… You know the answers to the questions. Find yourself again and remember you’re worth more.

Don’t let a bad guy change a very good soul.

C xx

When you lose your rule book

It occurred to me a few days ago that I’d become the single girl suddenly following the rule book. Something which I now need to make quite a large point about. I’m not sure who came up with the rules for dating, probably a man. But be sure to know that the rules only apply to us Ladies. Haha! Of course it was a man!!! Watch out lads, give it 10 years and we really will be ruling the world! 

I’ve never been a follower of rules, I’ve always enjoyed doing the opposite, that’ll be the Leo in me. Classic Leo sign to not like being told what to do by others. I was first single as an adult at age 24 and a half! Before that I had never experienced a part of adulthood without having to explain or feel bad or whatever other pressures get put on you when you’re in a long term relationship. So I was quite an oldie to start the whole have fun and enjoy my youth experience. But I decided I was definitely going to take advantage of the young single girl in her twenties and the rule book had been chucked so deep in a box in the loft under lots of dust and antiques that I had no idea what I should and shouldn’t be doing anyway and the best way to find way was to find it myself, not read what I shouldn’t do. But I reckon rule number 1 would most certainly be Don’t stay single for a long period of time. The longer you stay single, the more explaining you have to give to future prospects. They assume you’re a bit psychotic because obviously being a girl you wouldn’t possibly chose to stay on your own for this long. Something must be wrong and the only guess is that you can’t hold a bloke down so what have you been doing wrong? In my case this couldn’t be further from the truth but I don’t even get asked my reasons.. it’s written there in black and white. 

Single for 7 years. Crazy. Do not approach or approach with caution. 

Another example of a popular rule is to Be careful what clothes you chose to wear. I used to wear the more revealing of tops, something with a low neckline or maybe something with a baggy cleavage. I think I was about 2 years in to being single and guys were still not my priority. I had plenty of male friends who used to joke about my boobs and perhaps I should put them away but I saw it as harmless fun. I wasn’t in the slightest bit offended or flattered. But one day I was enjoying a drink with my friend when suddenly some guys came to chat us up. I wasn’t interested so without being rude I turned away and carried on my conversation with my friend. They carried on talking to us and one of them kept calling me sugar tits. I kindly asked him to stop making the comment and his response was “You shouldn’t wear such revealing clothes if you don’t want people to look”. Now maybe this one is debatable but excuse me for wearing a top I really like just in case I lead you on in any way! Piss off grandad!..oh which must lead me to the next..

Don’t swear, and be quiet. I rarely swear anyway, so this isn’t a thing. I completely agree that it’s not nice to hear ladies swear but it doesn’t necessarily mean that they aren’t dateable. One of my best friends swears like a trooper but if I was a guy I’d marry her! She’s one of the best. However, I am loud. Especially with a drink down me and I can most definitely stand up for myself mister so never try and get the better of me. 

There are plenty more things that we have to consider when deciding to date on a more serious level (which is where I am right now). But the most common rule myth, and I’m calling it a myth as I hope one day this will be absolute bullshit and girls will be able to have just as much fun as the boys do without getting a name for themselves. 

Don’t sleep with someone on the first date. Don’t sleep with someone on the second date. Don’t sleep with anyone. Stay a virgin until you are married.. this one frustrates me, can you tell??! Fortunately for me I spent rather a few years really not interested in meeting anyone so this rule was rubbish! Dare uou break this rule if you are looking for something a little more serious though as this will clearly show that you have absolutely no respect for yourselves. You don’t like yourself and you are desperate to be loved. Just some of the opinions I’ve heard. This is the one that has trapped me for quite some time. This is the only rule I followed because these are some of the things I don’t want people to think about me. I don’t want to be known as easy or that I don’t respect myself or I’m the local bike. But that’s some of the things you are willing to be called if you break this rule. Stand your ground and if you truly want to do it for the fun factor then bloody well do it! 

I’ve never slept around. I’ve made mistakes, we all have. I’ve had one night stands, I’ve got drunk and slept with friends that I wouldn’t even think about sleeping with when sober. But none of them have been because I didn’t respect myself. Still I seem to have gathered a little fear of doing anything sexual with anyone because people say I shouldn’t. But that’s not what I wanted. I’m single, let me have the fun I want to have without judgement. Let me do it while I can. Whilst Im sat here worrying about what Society says I should and shouldn’t do, I’ve forgotten how to be myself. I’m concentrating so much on being the good girl that the bad girl that I really want to be sometimes is hiding under a rock wondering if it’s ok to come out and play. I’ll do what I want to do thank you. It doesn’t mean that you have to do the same but it also doesn’t mean that I don’t respect myself. So this weekend that’s exactly what I did! And I bloody loved every second. I let my hair down, I reminded myself how great I was in bed and I enjoyed being single for just a few hours. 

So from now on instead of going in to dates thinking about all of the things I “shouldn’t” be doing, I’ll put that wall down and I’ll remember to be me. That’s the only way I’ll ever find the real love I’m searching for.

Happy shagging! 

C xx

My Spiritual Journey 

When I was 8 I saw a spirit. It wasn’t just a random spirit coming to visit me, it was my nan. I woke up and she was stood next to my bed staring at me. She’d been gone for just under 2 years so I knew what I was seeing was her as a ghost. It frightened me, but not as much as the following 30 seconds would. Once I’d adjusted my eyes to allow my vision to maybe tell me that it was all an optical illusion, my nan changed to form someone else. This is when I became terrified. There is a significant difference in being frightened and being terrified, and I found that out this night. It was only 10 seconds or so before whoever I was seeing in front of me changed again, this time My Grandad was stood there. He stood there enough time for me to realise that everything I’d seen in the previous minute was not an optical illusion. I screamed for my dad so loud that he came bursting into the room instantly, I cried for hours and refused to sleep with the light off for many months after. At that point my grandad was still alive. The following day he passed.

When I was 17 mum believed I was old enough to hear the story behind that crazy night. Mum had also had a visit that night, just before me. My nan was stood at the side of her bed cradling my mums little brother (who died at a sad young age of 2 years old) and holding my grandads hand. Mum told me that she knew my grandads spirit had left even though his body was still working. Nan had come to let her know he was at peace and to warn her of the next 24 hours. As soon as I’d let out that scream she knew that I’d been paid a visit too.

I’d always felt presences whilst in bed. It was the strangest of feelings, like someone was sat on my bed, or someone was moving around. It used to frighten me so I’d squeeze my eyes shut and hold my body still so they’d think I was still asleep. If I played dead then they wouldn’t get me. Back then I’d have given anything to get them away from me, now I’d give anything to feel them again. A few years ago I worked with one of my spiritual masters and together we asked them if they could take a step back. Now they don’t visit me at all.

When I was 22 I was in Toronto, Canada, and I called mum for a catch up. She was excited about a new course she had enrolled in but nervous about what people would say and how serious she would be taken. She was learning about Tarot. Little did we know that she’d become one of the top Tarot Readers in the area  (in my heart anyway) and that this was just the very beginning of an amazing journey for her.

When I was 27 I started becoming more curious about it, mum had always wanted me to follow in her path but would never push me. We started with reiki, and every now and then I’d have a little play with the cards but still up to this day my worry of criticism, judgement and non understanding of others keeps my confidence at too much of a low to practice on the public. I became a reiki 2 and and have since enjoyed learning all about spiritualism and finding my own path. Not long after I’d found reiki my life took a rough path. Somehow I got lost and my body, mind and spirit was not working with me. I lost control of life for a while and very quietly slipped into a path of depression and destruction. I didn’t want to be “the depressed one”. I wanted to be the bubbly one like I always had been, the tough one of the family. But something was stopping me and the more I tried to be happy the more my body didn’t allow me to be. I was putting obstacles in the way of everything so mum sent me off to a friend who preformed “cutting the ties that bind us”. I then had reiki for the next few months and my life, as promised, changed. The course my life took not only helped me to remove the negativity that was blocking my doorway but also send me on a travelling path of self discovery.

Last night  (I’m 31 now), for the first time I meditated and didn’t fall asleep. I meditated without being guided and I did it all by myself. I felt real stuff. I visioned and I manifested. And when my body woke me up naturally, I was buzzing and so excited for 2017 that I fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face.

This was, and still is, my journey. I’m ready. 

C xxxx

Dear 2016

Dearest 2016, 

There are a lot of people in this world that hate you. I’m not sure what you were thinking when you took away so many famous faces, inspirations and iconic legends. Did we upset you or were you sad and just wanted to take all of our favourites to keep you company? Ronnie Corbett, David Bowie, Victoria Wood, Muhammad Ali, Prince, Alan Rickman, you even took Pudseys best friend Terry Wogan. C’mon dude…How could you break Pudseys heart? The list seemed to be endless and then you decide to take another one of the best on Christmas Day.

Me.. I’m still undecided about how I feel about you. You broke my heart. You took me away from a life I had fallen head over heels in love with. Not only a life but a country I had become completely smitten with. You took me away from my new friends, a good job, glorious sunshine and the happiest of lifestyles. But more importantly you took me away from the feeling of being totally free and safe. I had found myself, all of myself. I’d worked so hard from being completely alone 10,000 miles from home to being the most independent version of myself and within an instant you took it away from me. Wow, how you made me cry when I realised that I would not be making Australia my permanent home. You took some of my sunshine away that day and for that I shall never really 100% forgive you. 

It wasn’t long before I’d realised your reasons for doing this. Not only did you make way for more travelling, and to see the sights of the absolutely beautiful New Zealand but you reunited me with my cousin, friend and soul sister. A lady that I thought I would never see again. You took me to meet family I hadn’t ever met. You connected me with an uncle I never got the chance to meet, you showed me his home and his world, his resting place. Something that my dad will never get the chance to do. I did it for him. You gave me another country to tick off with my travelling partner in crime, you gave me new friends, wonderful sights and 1000 plus memories that I will cherish forever. 

You then gave me the strength to make it back home. I may not have been ready to board that flight from NZ to London but you pushed me, you reminded me of everyone who was waiting for me at the other end. The excitement of knowing that I was going to bring joy to some of my favourite people’s lives. When we flew into England, the plane went grey. It was weird and sad and lonely and daunting. But within 48 hours you had provided smiles and happy tears to my friends and family. You gave my dad the best 60th birthday present he could have asked for. You mended one of my best friends hearts and you gave my mum back her smile. 

And how could I forget that you were the start of something big. Alongside 2015, you made plenty of my dreams come true. But what you did all by yourself was reignite the passion I have for therapies and helping people feel good. And not only did you reignite that flame but you gave me the drive and ambition to follow another dream and together we started a business. Established 2016.. that’s you that is! 

2016, you’ve got a lot to answer for. You may not ever compare to 2015 but you’ve been a huge help in saving my soul. And I will always, ALWAYS, remember you. 

Geborgenheit. 

C xxxx

The battle with myself 

I’m adding a new subject to this blog… Weight loss. Getting fit. Being healthy. GAINING CONFIDENCE. 

Its true what they say “No one will love you until you love yourself.” If you don’t love yourself and have a healthy relationship with number one then you will always be searching for someone to help you. You’ll accept any love from any one and this often ends in ‘any one’ being the wrong one. I’ve been there far too many times. I don’t feel good about myself and some jerk offers me a compliment, I accept the compliment because he’s made me feel good. He charms the pants off of me, has his wicked way and leaves me feeling even worse than I did before I met him. This wouldn’t have been his fault, only mine. As I am the only one who can control these inner feelings. Now if I loved myself enough then the Jerk wouldn’t have come within a mile of me. 1) Because I wouldn’t have let him and 2) because he wouldn’t have been able to smell my vulnerability. My confidence would have been a lot stronger than his and I would have won the battle. 

What I’m trying to say is that when you love yourself you don’t need anyone else’s approval, your instinct is so strong that you’d be able to tell the Jerks from the good guys and you’d be an all round winner. It took me a very long time to find some confidence within this soul of mine. And even though I’m no where near where I want to be emotionally, I am way over half way there compared to a few years ago, and I can positively say that even within the small amount of confidence that I’ve gained I can see and feel one heck of a difference in happiness already. 

I’ve always battled with my body. Never being the same as others, too tall, too overweight, not as pretty and petite as my other friends. I’ve been smaller than I am now and my gosh have I been bigger. I’ve had short hair, long hair, dark hair, blonde hair. I’ve never really had an issue with my face, especially if I’m wearing a smile but My weight has always been my struggle. It’s been worse since I lost a few stone as I’ve now become a little obsessed. Constantly worrying about what I’m putting in my mouth but eating it anyway and then complaining and feeling guilty afterwards. I often have flings with chocolate. Binge flings. It’s just been Christmas so it’s been a pretty intense fling this time so I must admit at the moment I’m on a guilt trip and I am giving myself some hefty beating up about it and this is when it all goes wrong. This is where I get annoyed at myself for not having more confidence as I know for the next few weeks I am going to struggle to love myself. 

BUT, I want to end this post on a positive. This is a journey that I shall no doubt be on for the rest of my life. The battle within my soul. Something or maybe even someone caused this battle and being the warrior that I am I have finally found the correct armour to face it. In the last 2 years of my life I have realised that life isn’t about the way you look, or the materialistic life you lead. It isn’t about having the right car or the expensive shoes, or the pretty face and the smallest waist. It’s about love and respect and enjoyment and living the life you can with what you have. Embracing every flaw, everything that makes you different and show the world that actually being different is fun. I’ve realised that it’s actually 500 times better to be different, be quirky, be whatever the fuck you want to be. Because otherwise you will stand in that crowd looking like every other mofo and you will never be noticed. Be crazy and be wild and show the world who you are. Dare to be different. Because if you look closely enough, in a crowd of 99 clones and 1 individual there is only going to be one person who stands out. 


So tonight I’m going to practice my gratitude and give thanks to all that I was given. Hips to keep my babies comfortable, legs to help me reach the top shelf and a wild personality to keep me sane! 

Goodnight world and god bless. 

C xxx