I’m not sure I’m ready to get off..

Amble, a slow walk. Taking your time to smell the flowers, feel the leaves, hear nature, smell the fresh air. Don’t rush. Enjoy life. Because if you think about it, life itself goes by quite fast, so why do we rush it forward even more?! (I started writing this blog yesterday..when the daily prompt was Amble). But the sentence fits so I’m keeping it. 

I met Mr Interview the other evening. I know…a year in the making! I thought it was about time I just bit the bullet and went for it. I hadn’t spoken to him in maybe 4 months and just like that he reappeared. Everywhere. In my head, on the phone and then in the street. His chat had changed this time, it was different, still mainly sex but speaking of holidays, the day, ourselves. He’s that good that he knew I wouldn’t have responded much if he hadn’t have changed his game. Silly me!! I knew exactly what would happen, why do you think I hadn’t met him. I’m not a strong person when it comes to relationships, casual or serious ones. I’m still trying to understand why I’m not strong and how I can be stronger. I put on a front but hey who am I fooling? Just myself. I’ve spent numerous hours, days and weeks working on liking myself, accepting my body and realising that my personality really outshines my flaws but something is obviously not fixed and I still need to realise what that is. 

So I went to his, we chatted and then we did the deed. I got right into it but maybe I didn’t put my all into it, which I should have done. Now at the time I thought I was shining, I’m always quite confident in bed, I like the lights on, I don’t worry about my body and I get involved. But something is telling me that something wasn’t right. This should spell out that maybe there was no spark but to me this spells out that he didn’t like my body, I wasn’t good enough in bed and he didn’t find me attractive. I’m worrying that he faked his orgasm, I’m worrying that he’s wishing he never wasted his time. My demons are running wild with me. Which is really fucking annoying as I know none of this is actually what’s happening in the real world. He walked me home after which probably didn’t help with the effect his charm and great looks has had on. There isn’t many men who would offer to walk you home safe..is there?? 

I think I expected too much even though I knew this is what would happen. I thought if we’d been talking for all this time then it would take a little more than an hour or so to chose to never speak to me again. (I say never again, he’s been polite enough to answer my texts). 

I’ve been on this Carousel now for well over a year, I was really enjoying it but now I’m starting to feel dizzy, I think I should get off but if I’m honest I don’t really want to. But do carousels do anything else but go round in circles and does this mean I’m ready to upgrade to the rollercoaster now instead..

Words of advice, kindness and feedback will help massively today. Comments on a postcard please xxx

Thanks pressers 

C xxx

The battle with myself 

I’m adding a new subject to this blog… Weight loss. Getting fit. Being healthy. GAINING CONFIDENCE. 

Its true what they say “No one will love you until you love yourself.” If you don’t love yourself and have a healthy relationship with number one then you will always be searching for someone to help you. You’ll accept any love from any one and this often ends in ‘any one’ being the wrong one. I’ve been there far too many times. I don’t feel good about myself and some jerk offers me a compliment, I accept the compliment because he’s made me feel good. He charms the pants off of me, has his wicked way and leaves me feeling even worse than I did before I met him. This wouldn’t have been his fault, only mine. As I am the only one who can control these inner feelings. Now if I loved myself enough then the Jerk wouldn’t have come within a mile of me. 1) Because I wouldn’t have let him and 2) because he wouldn’t have been able to smell my vulnerability. My confidence would have been a lot stronger than his and I would have won the battle. 

What I’m trying to say is that when you love yourself you don’t need anyone else’s approval, your instinct is so strong that you’d be able to tell the Jerks from the good guys and you’d be an all round winner. It took me a very long time to find some confidence within this soul of mine. And even though I’m no where near where I want to be emotionally, I am way over half way there compared to a few years ago, and I can positively say that even within the small amount of confidence that I’ve gained I can see and feel one heck of a difference in happiness already. 

I’ve always battled with my body. Never being the same as others, too tall, too overweight, not as pretty and petite as my other friends. I’ve been smaller than I am now and my gosh have I been bigger. I’ve had short hair, long hair, dark hair, blonde hair. I’ve never really had an issue with my face, especially if I’m wearing a smile but My weight has always been my struggle. It’s been worse since I lost a few stone as I’ve now become a little obsessed. Constantly worrying about what I’m putting in my mouth but eating it anyway and then complaining and feeling guilty afterwards. I often have flings with chocolate. Binge flings. It’s just been Christmas so it’s been a pretty intense fling this time so I must admit at the moment I’m on a guilt trip and I am giving myself some hefty beating up about it and this is when it all goes wrong. This is where I get annoyed at myself for not having more confidence as I know for the next few weeks I am going to struggle to love myself. 

BUT, I want to end this post on a positive. This is a journey that I shall no doubt be on for the rest of my life. The battle within my soul. Something or maybe even someone caused this battle and being the warrior that I am I have finally found the correct armour to face it. In the last 2 years of my life I have realised that life isn’t about the way you look, or the materialistic life you lead. It isn’t about having the right car or the expensive shoes, or the pretty face and the smallest waist. It’s about love and respect and enjoyment and living the life you can with what you have. Embracing every flaw, everything that makes you different and show the world that actually being different is fun. I’ve realised that it’s actually 500 times better to be different, be quirky, be whatever the fuck you want to be. Because otherwise you will stand in that crowd looking like every other mofo and you will never be noticed. Be crazy and be wild and show the world who you are. Dare to be different. Because if you look closely enough, in a crowd of 99 clones and 1 individual there is only going to be one person who stands out. 


So tonight I’m going to practice my gratitude and give thanks to all that I was given. Hips to keep my babies comfortable, legs to help me reach the top shelf and a wild personality to keep me sane! 

Goodnight world and god bless. 

C xxx