I’m not sure I’m ready to get off..

Amble, a slow walk. Taking your time to smell the flowers, feel the leaves, hear nature, smell the fresh air. Don’t rush. Enjoy life. Because if you think about it, life itself goes by quite fast, so why do we rush it forward even more?! (I started writing this blog yesterday..when the daily prompt was Amble). But the sentence fits so I’m keeping it. 

I met Mr Interview the other evening. I know…a year in the making! I thought it was about time I just bit the bullet and went for it. I hadn’t spoken to him in maybe 4 months and just like that he reappeared. Everywhere. In my head, on the phone and then in the street. His chat had changed this time, it was different, still mainly sex but speaking of holidays, the day, ourselves. He’s that good that he knew I wouldn’t have responded much if he hadn’t have changed his game. Silly me!! I knew exactly what would happen, why do you think I hadn’t met him. I’m not a strong person when it comes to relationships, casual or serious ones. I’m still trying to understand why I’m not strong and how I can be stronger. I put on a front but hey who am I fooling? Just myself. I’ve spent numerous hours, days and weeks working on liking myself, accepting my body and realising that my personality really outshines my flaws but something is obviously not fixed and I still need to realise what that is. 

So I went to his, we chatted and then we did the deed. I got right into it but maybe I didn’t put my all into it, which I should have done. Now at the time I thought I was shining, I’m always quite confident in bed, I like the lights on, I don’t worry about my body and I get involved. But something is telling me that something wasn’t right. This should spell out that maybe there was no spark but to me this spells out that he didn’t like my body, I wasn’t good enough in bed and he didn’t find me attractive. I’m worrying that he faked his orgasm, I’m worrying that he’s wishing he never wasted his time. My demons are running wild with me. Which is really fucking annoying as I know none of this is actually what’s happening in the real world. He walked me home after which probably didn’t help with the effect his charm and great looks has had on. There isn’t many men who would offer to walk you home safe..is there?? 

I think I expected too much even though I knew this is what would happen. I thought if we’d been talking for all this time then it would take a little more than an hour or so to chose to never speak to me again. (I say never again, he’s been polite enough to answer my texts). 

I’ve been on this Carousel now for well over a year, I was really enjoying it but now I’m starting to feel dizzy, I think I should get off but if I’m honest I don’t really want to. But do carousels do anything else but go round in circles and does this mean I’m ready to upgrade to the rollercoaster now instead..

Words of advice, kindness and feedback will help massively today. Comments on a postcard please xxx

Thanks pressers 

C xxx

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The return of Mr Interview 

God Damn this guy! I’ve tried the whole “don’t reply to his texts”, He came back. So then I tried the whole “Be really full on”, He came back. I could try the “Please never contact me again” text but then he definitely wouldn’t come back. And I’m not sure I want that. 

If you’ve read my previous post then you’ll know that NYE I was in bed but with another guy. Mr Interview doesn’t get a thought unless he bothers to send a message. But he always seems to send them at the wrong time. Like before I head to the bedroom with Pokemon. The text message said “What are you doing right now?”. So now I could be having sex with him, why even put that thought into my head before I’m about to jump into bed with someone else. It’s just not fair. I can reassure you all I didn’t spend my first time with Pokemon thinking about Interview… that would have been a wreckage!! I did think afterwards what a very different situation I would have been in if I’d have chosen a different after party location. 

I waited until the morning to reply with “I was having sex. Happy New Year”.. now that’s either the worst or best thing I could have done. He seemed jealous, but with a little bit of enquisitive behaviour too. The dude has no idea the fantasies I have about him. He’s Christian Grey. The man is Christian bloody Grey. I just need to be his Anastasia Steel. 

And so the fantasy lives on… 

Happy Dreaming

C xxx

A naked New Year 

Dates 5 & 6 with Pokemon have happened. I can’t believe I’ve gone through that many dates with the same guy. What an achievement. I suppose I get to write about him as a regular now instead of just another date. Maybe that’s because at 2.30am on New Years Day we were sharing a bed, naked. Yes. It happened! 

So date 5 was just another night out. I should have saw him in the daytime but unfortunately I had a few turn of events which stopped this happening. Due to these unfortunate events, a very large glass of wine was needed which then led to a few double rums which then led to me talking very openly about sex. We had a very intimate conversation in the middle of a bar about why I hadn’t yet slept with him and him admitting he thought something was wrong. Date 5 really isn’t that late to be getting intimate though is it?? We left it at that as the time had ran away from me but I discovered that night what I liked about him. We didn’t just talk about sex, we also talked about how he puts no pressure on me with anything (including reply straight away or arranging anther date so quick) and about why I’ve ended up seeing him more than I thought I would. It was a very tell tale sign that maybe I like him more than I make out. It’s hard, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and I’m worried that at the moment I like him but in a few weeks he’d have fallen for me then I’m going to change my mind and hurt him. I don’t think he’s my forever man. I just don’t get the butterflies I want to get for someone I’m falling for and I definitely don’t want to be leading him on. 

The deed was then done at a rough estimate of 2.30am New Years Day. I’m going to remember this as I did question if I should be starting the New Year like this. Start as you mean to go on etc. But I enjoyed it. Not in a Passionate, take me now kind of way. More of a I’m glad I waited kind of way. I’m going to do it again, and probably again but I can’t say at the moment if I’ll still be writing about this guy in 6 months time. And if I am, then it’ll no doubt be because he’s become a bloody good friend. 

Happy New Year to you all. I hope 2017 is filled with Love. 

C xx

When something is missing…

I’ve just completed Date 4 with Pokemon (I’m not sure why I’m calling him Pokemon anymore but we’ll carry on with that one).
So yeh..Date 4!!!! To be honest it feels more like Date 20 as it feels like I never didn’t know him. I stayed last night but the deed still wasn’t done. I used the excuse of a lack of waxing, which wasn’t really an excuse. It is getting a bit foresty down there (The joys of working in a  busy salon – there is never enough time to fit your own appointments in) and I just wouldn’t put him through that. But I don’t think I could do it with him anyway. No offence to him.. keep reading and you’ll understand why.

I hear you ask how did I get to date 4? Last time I posted I’d maybe only just completed date 1? So we went for dinner for date 2 and whilst out for dinner we discussed Longleat safari park which is about an hour away from home but I’d never been, so he offered to take me. And there we have it..Date 3; A week later, we went for a day out at a safari park. It was so much fun, his company is on point, his banter is perfect. He made me a bacon sandwich for the trip there, that is most certainly a way in to this girls heart. He’s very touchy feely (which I’d probably love if it was the right person), he’s not at all clingy which scores him massive points, but something is missing and this makes me sad. If you were to ask me if I liked him then I’d say Definitely. If you asked me if I wanted to be with him then I’d say No.
I can’t quite get a grip onto what it is that’s missing, or if it is just that I’m not attracted to him. Maybe it’s his weight (or lack of), maybe it’s his height (again, or lack of). I don’t know but I know it’s maybe time to let him know how I’m feeling 😦

I was going to tell him before date 3 but I really wanted to spend the day with him. Then I was going to tell him after date 3 but I realized one night that I really wanted to see him so I guessed maybe there were more feelings and maybe I needed to just go with the flow, its only date 3 after all. But now we’re heading on to date 5, I’ve stayed the night, we’ve discussed personal stuff. I want to stay friends but I’m sure he doesn’t need anymore friends.
So this week is the week to break the silence and discuss how I’m feeling. Wish me luck :-/

C xxx

 

Date 2 day

Its D2 day today with Pokemon. Date 1 was really good so I’m actually really looking forward to seeing him but I’m not quite sure I’ll agree to a 3rd date.

Tuesday was fun, we went for a drink but I was actually finding the conversation more difficult than usual. Not sure why as I’m usually pretty good at asking questions and getting a conversation started but this time it was really hard. He was good though and it didn’t go silent for too long.
It didn’t take us long to realize that there was a speed dating event going on above us and as the walls in this bar were glass it was easy to watch and laugh at the situations. At one point we were even considering joining for an extra laugh. Dave and Sheila were loving each other, if they didn’t tick each others boxes at the end of the night then I’ve lost faith in what “Fireworks” is!

Some interesting facts about Pokemon:
1. He organised and produced Guy Richie’s wedding.. Like Whaaa??? I had to try to pretend I wasn’t completely amazed by this. Keep cool etc. “Did you just say David Beckham attended.. Like the real David Beckham??? Oh right, okay, cool.”
2. He snowboards (and I think he’s pretty good at it)
3. He spent a season in the Alps (I think he said Alps). Which means he likes to explore and travel. Points earned.

A few hours later we moved on to another bar. Or I should say ran to another bar. The guy doesn’t know what casual stroll means. England were playing footie so we sat and watched that. Which is when he started cuddling me, I wasn’t sure if he was drunk at this point or just too touchy feely but as I’m trying new things I accepted it. I think maybe deep down he knew I wasn’t overly comfortable. I’m not a clingy person and sometimes I can feel a bit suffocated if it’s too much too soon.
We started playing the staring game, maybe  this was his way of seeing if he could kiss me (that’s still to come). I lost every time, which gave him more excuses to laugh and cuddle me tighter.
We decided to head home, his arm around me the whole walk back to the car. I didn’t remove it (again, trying the new thing). Seeing as it was raining and I felt comfortable enough around him I offered him a lift. This is when he kissed me. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t the best kiss. In fact it wasn’t really a kiss I’d ask for again. But again, trying something new and all that. It was only a few hours until I received a text asking if he could see me again.

Today we’re going for a Mexican and I’m trying to just go and enjoy myself rather than reading too much into it. It’s just a 2nd date, it doesn’t matter if I already know he isn’t the one.. does it??!

But FYI – I am kind of excited.

C xxx

I think my Heart Chakra is fixed :)

As I’ve mentioned in numerous previous posts I’m quite a spiritual being. Mum is a very spiritual being and apparently I’m much like her and maybe even more powerful but I don’t believe I’ll ever be as powerful as her. But I believe in reiki and I know it worked for me and still does work for me when I need it. But each time I’ve been told that my heart chakra is closed, and each time I’ve had it re-opened. Sometimes, I’ll return a few days later and it’s already closed back up. It’s a bit like a swing door. Open, close, open, close but always eventually closes completely.
When I returned home I thought I was doing really well and that my heart chakra was open and shining and ready for love.. but then I went for some reiki and my master told me it was closed. I was so angry at myself! I thought I’d jumped over a massive fence by allowing people in and then I find out that I wasn’t! But she worked her magic and opened me up again.. Well last night’s date proved this.

He was lovely. The date was lovely. He made me laugh ALOT. He made me feel at ease. He put his arm around me. He even held my hand at one point. He kissed me. I kissed back. I didn’t get butterflies.
I’m not sure he’s my Mr Right but he’s worth a second date and he’s getting one on Sunday!

To be Cont….

C xx

New date. New attitude

I’m feeling very different towards today’s date than usual. It’s a mixture of excitement and curious with maybe a slight twinge of nervous chucked in the mix. Everything about tonight is different. Mainly because I’ve built up no perception on this guy or the date AT ALL. Which coming from me is quite a big, exciting and new experience.

I usually go in to a date almost knowing how I’m going to feel. If I’m going to like them and if it’s going to be a good date. The last few have also been “new” as such as I haven’t been in the dating game long. But I feel I’m a little more experienced now, I’ve had a few good guys, a couple of good dates and thankfully no weirdo’s so I’m feeling like I can do this.

I’ve also not really got any idea what this guy is going to look like, his pictures aren’t the clearest so I don’t have any pre-date opinions on looks, style, height etc. This is going to be new from the first hello.
We’ve not even really spoken too much. He messaged a decent message first, I replied a few times and then didn’t think I wanted to take the conversation further. A few weeks later he messaged again and tried a little harder and again only a few messages were passed back and forth and then the 3rd time lucky for him he sent a good message which made me laugh and won him a date.

So, for the first time in a long time. I’m open. I’m ready to meet someone new, even if it’s just to spend a lovely evening having a laugh and talking about rubbish. I will no longer shut out the universe and the messages and things they are sending me and I will accept any fun or love that wants to be sent my way.

Here I am world. Come and get me 🙂

C xxx