When you lose your rule book

It occurred to me a few days ago that I’d become the single girl suddenly following the rule book. Something which I now need to make quite a large point about. I’m not sure who came up with the rules for dating, probably a man. But be sure to know that the rules only apply to us Ladies. Haha! Of course it was a man!!! Watch out lads, give it 10 years and we really will be ruling the world! 

I’ve never been a follower of rules, I’ve always enjoyed doing the opposite, that’ll be the Leo in me. Classic Leo sign to not like being told what to do by others. I was first single as an adult at age 24 and a half! Before that I had never experienced a part of adulthood without having to explain or feel bad or whatever other pressures get put on you when you’re in a long term relationship. So I was quite an oldie to start the whole have fun and enjoy my youth experience. But I decided I was definitely going to take advantage of the young single girl in her twenties and the rule book had been chucked so deep in a box in the loft under lots of dust and antiques that I had no idea what I should and shouldn’t be doing anyway and the best way to find way was to find it myself, not read what I shouldn’t do. But I reckon rule number 1 would most certainly be Don’t stay single for a long period of time. The longer you stay single, the more explaining you have to give to future prospects. They assume you’re a bit psychotic because obviously being a girl you wouldn’t possibly chose to stay on your own for this long. Something must be wrong and the only guess is that you can’t hold a bloke down so what have you been doing wrong? In my case this couldn’t be further from the truth but I don’t even get asked my reasons.. it’s written there in black and white. 

Single for 7 years. Crazy. Do not approach or approach with caution. 

Another example of a popular rule is to Be careful what clothes you chose to wear. I used to wear the more revealing of tops, something with a low neckline or maybe something with a baggy cleavage. I think I was about 2 years in to being single and guys were still not my priority. I had plenty of male friends who used to joke about my boobs and perhaps I should put them away but I saw it as harmless fun. I wasn’t in the slightest bit offended or flattered. But one day I was enjoying a drink with my friend when suddenly some guys came to chat us up. I wasn’t interested so without being rude I turned away and carried on my conversation with my friend. They carried on talking to us and one of them kept calling me sugar tits. I kindly asked him to stop making the comment and his response was “You shouldn’t wear such revealing clothes if you don’t want people to look”. Now maybe this one is debatable but excuse me for wearing a top I really like just in case I lead you on in any way! Piss off grandad!..oh which must lead me to the next..

Don’t swear, and be quiet. I rarely swear anyway, so this isn’t a thing. I completely agree that it’s not nice to hear ladies swear but it doesn’t necessarily mean that they aren’t dateable. One of my best friends swears like a trooper but if I was a guy I’d marry her! She’s one of the best. However, I am loud. Especially with a drink down me and I can most definitely stand up for myself mister so never try and get the better of me. 

There are plenty more things that we have to consider when deciding to date on a more serious level (which is where I am right now). But the most common rule myth, and I’m calling it a myth as I hope one day this will be absolute bullshit and girls will be able to have just as much fun as the boys do without getting a name for themselves. 

Don’t sleep with someone on the first date. Don’t sleep with someone on the second date. Don’t sleep with anyone. Stay a virgin until you are married.. this one frustrates me, can you tell??! Fortunately for me I spent rather a few years really not interested in meeting anyone so this rule was rubbish! Dare uou break this rule if you are looking for something a little more serious though as this will clearly show that you have absolutely no respect for yourselves. You don’t like yourself and you are desperate to be loved. Just some of the opinions I’ve heard. This is the one that has trapped me for quite some time. This is the only rule I followed because these are some of the things I don’t want people to think about me. I don’t want to be known as easy or that I don’t respect myself or I’m the local bike. But that’s some of the things you are willing to be called if you break this rule. Stand your ground and if you truly want to do it for the fun factor then bloody well do it! 

I’ve never slept around. I’ve made mistakes, we all have. I’ve had one night stands, I’ve got drunk and slept with friends that I wouldn’t even think about sleeping with when sober. But none of them have been because I didn’t respect myself. Still I seem to have gathered a little fear of doing anything sexual with anyone because people say I shouldn’t. But that’s not what I wanted. I’m single, let me have the fun I want to have without judgement. Let me do it while I can. Whilst Im sat here worrying about what Society says I should and shouldn’t do, I’ve forgotten how to be myself. I’m concentrating so much on being the good girl that the bad girl that I really want to be sometimes is hiding under a rock wondering if it’s ok to come out and play. I’ll do what I want to do thank you. It doesn’t mean that you have to do the same but it also doesn’t mean that I don’t respect myself. So this weekend that’s exactly what I did! And I bloody loved every second. I let my hair down, I reminded myself how great I was in bed and I enjoyed being single for just a few hours. 

So from now on instead of going in to dates thinking about all of the things I “shouldn’t” be doing, I’ll put that wall down and I’ll remember to be me. That’s the only way I’ll ever find the real love I’m searching for.

Happy shagging! 

C xx

My Spiritual Journey 

When I was 8 I saw a spirit. It wasn’t just a random spirit coming to visit me, it was my nan. I woke up and she was stood next to my bed staring at me. She’d been gone for just under 2 years so I knew what I was seeing was her as a ghost. It frightened me, but not as much as the following 30 seconds would. Once I’d adjusted my eyes to allow my vision to maybe tell me that it was all an optical illusion, my nan changed to form someone else. This is when I became terrified. There is a significant difference in being frightened and being terrified, and I found that out this night. It was only 10 seconds or so before whoever I was seeing in front of me changed again, this time My Grandad was stood there. He stood there enough time for me to realise that everything I’d seen in the previous minute was not an optical illusion. I screamed for my dad so loud that he came bursting into the room instantly, I cried for hours and refused to sleep with the light off for many months after. At that point my grandad was still alive. The following day he passed.

When I was 17 mum believed I was old enough to hear the story behind that crazy night. Mum had also had a visit that night, just before me. My nan was stood at the side of her bed cradling my mums little brother (who died at a sad young age of 2 years old) and holding my grandads hand. Mum told me that she knew my grandads spirit had left even though his body was still working. Nan had come to let her know he was at peace and to warn her of the next 24 hours. As soon as I’d let out that scream she knew that I’d been paid a visit too.

I’d always felt presences whilst in bed. It was the strangest of feelings, like someone was sat on my bed, or someone was moving around. It used to frighten me so I’d squeeze my eyes shut and hold my body still so they’d think I was still asleep. If I played dead then they wouldn’t get me. Back then I’d have given anything to get them away from me, now I’d give anything to feel them again. A few years ago I worked with one of my spiritual masters and together we asked them if they could take a step back. Now they don’t visit me at all.

When I was 22 I was in Toronto, Canada, and I called mum for a catch up. She was excited about a new course she had enrolled in but nervous about what people would say and how serious she would be taken. She was learning about Tarot. Little did we know that she’d become one of the top Tarot Readers in the area  (in my heart anyway) and that this was just the very beginning of an amazing journey for her.

When I was 27 I started becoming more curious about it, mum had always wanted me to follow in her path but would never push me. We started with reiki, and every now and then I’d have a little play with the cards but still up to this day my worry of criticism, judgement and non understanding of others keeps my confidence at too much of a low to practice on the public. I became a reiki 2 and and have since enjoyed learning all about spiritualism and finding my own path. Not long after I’d found reiki my life took a rough path. Somehow I got lost and my body, mind and spirit was not working with me. I lost control of life for a while and very quietly slipped into a path of depression and destruction. I didn’t want to be “the depressed one”. I wanted to be the bubbly one like I always had been, the tough one of the family. But something was stopping me and the more I tried to be happy the more my body didn’t allow me to be. I was putting obstacles in the way of everything so mum sent me off to a friend who preformed “cutting the ties that bind us”. I then had reiki for the next few months and my life, as promised, changed. The course my life took not only helped me to remove the negativity that was blocking my doorway but also send me on a travelling path of self discovery.

Last night  (I’m 31 now), for the first time I meditated and didn’t fall asleep. I meditated without being guided and I did it all by myself. I felt real stuff. I visioned and I manifested. And when my body woke me up naturally, I was buzzing and so excited for 2017 that I fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face.

This was, and still is, my journey. I’m ready. 

C xxxx

Dear 2016

Dearest 2016, 

There are a lot of people in this world that hate you. I’m not sure what you were thinking when you took away so many famous faces, inspirations and iconic legends. Did we upset you or were you sad and just wanted to take all of our favourites to keep you company? Ronnie Corbett, David Bowie, Victoria Wood, Muhammad Ali, Prince, Alan Rickman, you even took Pudseys best friend Terry Wogan. C’mon dude…How could you break Pudseys heart? The list seemed to be endless and then you decide to take another one of the best on Christmas Day.

Me.. I’m still undecided about how I feel about you. You broke my heart. You took me away from a life I had fallen head over heels in love with. Not only a life but a country I had become completely smitten with. You took me away from my new friends, a good job, glorious sunshine and the happiest of lifestyles. But more importantly you took me away from the feeling of being totally free and safe. I had found myself, all of myself. I’d worked so hard from being completely alone 10,000 miles from home to being the most independent version of myself and within an instant you took it away from me. Wow, how you made me cry when I realised that I would not be making Australia my permanent home. You took some of my sunshine away that day and for that I shall never really 100% forgive you. 

It wasn’t long before I’d realised your reasons for doing this. Not only did you make way for more travelling, and to see the sights of the absolutely beautiful New Zealand but you reunited me with my cousin, friend and soul sister. A lady that I thought I would never see again. You took me to meet family I hadn’t ever met. You connected me with an uncle I never got the chance to meet, you showed me his home and his world, his resting place. Something that my dad will never get the chance to do. I did it for him. You gave me another country to tick off with my travelling partner in crime, you gave me new friends, wonderful sights and 1000 plus memories that I will cherish forever. 

You then gave me the strength to make it back home. I may not have been ready to board that flight from NZ to London but you pushed me, you reminded me of everyone who was waiting for me at the other end. The excitement of knowing that I was going to bring joy to some of my favourite people’s lives. When we flew into England, the plane went grey. It was weird and sad and lonely and daunting. But within 48 hours you had provided smiles and happy tears to my friends and family. You gave my dad the best 60th birthday present he could have asked for. You mended one of my best friends hearts and you gave my mum back her smile. 

And how could I forget that you were the start of something big. Alongside 2015, you made plenty of my dreams come true. But what you did all by yourself was reignite the passion I have for therapies and helping people feel good. And not only did you reignite that flame but you gave me the drive and ambition to follow another dream and together we started a business. Established 2016.. that’s you that is! 

2016, you’ve got a lot to answer for. You may not ever compare to 2015 but you’ve been a huge help in saving my soul. And I will always, ALWAYS, remember you. 

Geborgenheit. 

C xxxx

The battle with myself 

I’m adding a new subject to this blog… Weight loss. Getting fit. Being healthy. GAINING CONFIDENCE. 

Its true what they say “No one will love you until you love yourself.” If you don’t love yourself and have a healthy relationship with number one then you will always be searching for someone to help you. You’ll accept any love from any one and this often ends in ‘any one’ being the wrong one. I’ve been there far too many times. I don’t feel good about myself and some jerk offers me a compliment, I accept the compliment because he’s made me feel good. He charms the pants off of me, has his wicked way and leaves me feeling even worse than I did before I met him. This wouldn’t have been his fault, only mine. As I am the only one who can control these inner feelings. Now if I loved myself enough then the Jerk wouldn’t have come within a mile of me. 1) Because I wouldn’t have let him and 2) because he wouldn’t have been able to smell my vulnerability. My confidence would have been a lot stronger than his and I would have won the battle. 

What I’m trying to say is that when you love yourself you don’t need anyone else’s approval, your instinct is so strong that you’d be able to tell the Jerks from the good guys and you’d be an all round winner. It took me a very long time to find some confidence within this soul of mine. And even though I’m no where near where I want to be emotionally, I am way over half way there compared to a few years ago, and I can positively say that even within the small amount of confidence that I’ve gained I can see and feel one heck of a difference in happiness already. 

I’ve always battled with my body. Never being the same as others, too tall, too overweight, not as pretty and petite as my other friends. I’ve been smaller than I am now and my gosh have I been bigger. I’ve had short hair, long hair, dark hair, blonde hair. I’ve never really had an issue with my face, especially if I’m wearing a smile but My weight has always been my struggle. It’s been worse since I lost a few stone as I’ve now become a little obsessed. Constantly worrying about what I’m putting in my mouth but eating it anyway and then complaining and feeling guilty afterwards. I often have flings with chocolate. Binge flings. It’s just been Christmas so it’s been a pretty intense fling this time so I must admit at the moment I’m on a guilt trip and I am giving myself some hefty beating up about it and this is when it all goes wrong. This is where I get annoyed at myself for not having more confidence as I know for the next few weeks I am going to struggle to love myself. 

BUT, I want to end this post on a positive. This is a journey that I shall no doubt be on for the rest of my life. The battle within my soul. Something or maybe even someone caused this battle and being the warrior that I am I have finally found the correct armour to face it. In the last 2 years of my life I have realised that life isn’t about the way you look, or the materialistic life you lead. It isn’t about having the right car or the expensive shoes, or the pretty face and the smallest waist. It’s about love and respect and enjoyment and living the life you can with what you have. Embracing every flaw, everything that makes you different and show the world that actually being different is fun. I’ve realised that it’s actually 500 times better to be different, be quirky, be whatever the fuck you want to be. Because otherwise you will stand in that crowd looking like every other mofo and you will never be noticed. Be crazy and be wild and show the world who you are. Dare to be different. Because if you look closely enough, in a crowd of 99 clones and 1 individual there is only going to be one person who stands out. 


So tonight I’m going to practice my gratitude and give thanks to all that I was given. Hips to keep my babies comfortable, legs to help me reach the top shelf and a wild personality to keep me sane! 

Goodnight world and god bless. 

C xxx

Papa, I do love you, I promise.

“Smile, It’s Christmas!!” If one more person says that to me before the end of next week I may have a Nervous Breakdown (I’m allowed to make fun of Mental Health, It’s in my genes).

This week has been horrendous on my brain. So much so that tonight I sat on the end of my bed, cried and had an argument with the wall. Obviously pretending that the wall was in fact the world. It’s just the wall was easier to reach.
Nothing major has happened to me this week, and to be honest nothing really minor has happened but I’m just about ready to explode over small things so god help anyone who might get in my way between now and Christmas Eve (Xmas Eve you’ll be fine as I’ll be drinking most of the day so do what you wish to me).

I think once I’d taken my frustration out on the wall I realised what the main factor for my breakdown was. My dad. Sometimes he can suffocate me with love and fussing and sometimes I just want to scream at him to leave me alone but I’d break his heart.
I’m a daddies girl, he is my number 1 and he always will be. My absolute hero, I can’t remember when he became this because I don’t ever remember a time that I wasn’t by his side. Maybe it was because he held my family together at a point when mum nearly got taken away. Maybe it’s because he looked after her and stuck by her side whilst making sure me and my brother were kept sane too. Or maybe it’s just because I was lucky enough to have the relationship every daughter should have with their daddy.
But sometimes, just sometimes, he can really do my head in!! Like at the moment for instance. He is grilling me about everything. Here are a few:

  • Where are you going? What time will you be home? Who are you going out with? (I’m going on a date. With a man I’ve never met. And I may stay at his. Wink Wink nudge nudge???)
  • Where have you parked? Is it safe? Are you parked over a driveway? Are you on doubles lines? (No. I’m an idiot and I love getting parking fines!)
  • Do you have any glasses in your room? Do you have any plates in your room? Everything has gone missing, you must have it in your room! (Because, I just must??)

The other night I passed him walking the dog on the way home from work, I didn’t see him but he assures me he waved and that there was someone in my car. I definitely had no one in my car. Either it wasn’t me that he saw or I have a ghost driving around with me. That was 4 days ago and he is still adamant that I’m keeping secrets from him.

Then the latest one tonight (which is what sent me over the edge) was about my car. I’m due to drive 130 miles north this weekend to see my friend from Australia. I have a rear side light out, which is dangerous on the motorway so I did as he asked and I went and bought a bulb so he could fit it in time for me to leave. He goes to fit it tonight and it turned into an episode of Eastenders. I had the wrong bulb, then it wasn’t the bulb it was the fuse and now he’s worrying about me driving all that way. Seriously??? I’ve been around the world, and you are worrying about me driving 130 miles??

It’s not even worth moaning about I’m sure but sometimes one thing reminds you of the last 5 things which have bugged you and it’s kind of like blowing a balloon up. Just one more tiny blow and BANG.. It can’t take anymore and it explodes! I’ve reached this point.

But because I love him so much, even writing this blog just to vent it and get it out of my system tugs on my heart strings a little. He’ll never know I’ve said this because he probably doesn’t even know what a “Blog” is. But I don’t really mean what I say, I’m just angry. Because of these tiny things, I’m on a downer. I’m in a negative little bubble and I cannot get out of it and every little mole hill I am turning into a mountain.

When I first started dating my ex boyfriend he got so jealous, he felt he’d been replaced by a new man. When I moved out he thought I’d never visit him again. 8 years later when I broke down and told my parents how unhappy I was with my boyfriend he cuddled me, brought me tea and chocolates and then hugged me some more, probably relieved that he had me back but obviously trying to mend the heart that was very clearly breaking.
When he got diagnosed with Cancer a few years ago I didn’t know how to behave. I knew he’d be fine, it wasn’t even an aggressive type and an operation cured him so we were a very lucky family to keep him. But I felt guilty for being so calm and not having the emotion I thought I’d have if that day ever came.
I didn’t go travelling sooner incase I never saw him again, sounds mad right?! But I couldn’t bare being away and getting a phonecall to say that I’d missed my goodbye. It happened to my cousin whilst she was over here from NZ, that dreaded phonecall where you almost think someone is playing a sick prank. But it frightened me. That was his brother, his other brother is also gone and both of his parents. He’s the last one left. So he had to sit me down, whilst listening to me sob my heart out and promise me he’d still be here when I got home. He kept his promise.

I love that man. He’s my dad and I know he just wants to look after me and keep me safe. But sometimes I just want to be the 31 year old adult he’s helped me to become and sometimes he doesn’t realize that just sometimes he just doesn’t let me.

Forever, always my number 1 man.

C xx

How confident are we really?

I am the life and soul of every party. I ooze confidence, I’ve been told this by many people. For some reason they wish they could be confident like me. This is a difficult one as I really don’t see myself as confident, I don’t see what others see. But I’m not false, I don’t pretend to be someone different. What you see is definitely what you get.

But do they see what I see when I look in the mirror, do they see the thoughts that occur in my headspace, do they see that sometimes I just want to be like society says and when I say I’m glad I’m a little different can they tell that I’m not overly sure if that’s the truth.

You see, I may be outgoing and talkative and I may be the life and soul of the party and many people may want to be like me but I honestly don’t know why. I enjoy trying to improve my self-esteem, its much higher than it used to be and most days I am happy with whats in front of the mirror but it wasn’t always like this and I can promise you that I do always find a fault with myself. I question daily if that’s why I’ve been single for as long as I have..Am I just a good time girl??

If you’ve read some of my first posts you would already know that I started puberty very early and it happened very fast. Periods and pubic hair by the time I was 9. Boobs, Bum and Hips by the age of 12. I grew at a rapid rate meaning I was scarred by stretch marks since the age of 14 or 15. I was taller than everyone else by what felt like the size of the tallest tree and I don’t even want to start on the fact that I don’t ever remember a day where I was skinny. There’s a photo of when I was about 5 that proved that once upon a time I was but I don’t remember. Oh and to top it all off I smashed my gum when my adult tooth was growing through meaning I’ve gone through life with an ugly marked tooth. So to say that I don’t feel like your standard society girl would be a understatment.

Saying that, I don’t think I am ugly. I don’t think I’m fat and my height has actually grown on me (excuse the pun). I’m average, I’ve got pretty eyes. I’ve got beautiful hair, my curves will rock it for the right man and my personality shines for miles. And 90% of the time I hate society anyway!

But please excuse me if I don’t believe you when you tell me I’m stunning, and when you tell me I don’t look fat and when you tell me my outfit is gorgeous and that I have a pretty smile. I’ll thank you and I’ll take your compliment and I’ll feel good about myself but I’ll never be what society says I should be and sometimes, just sometimes I might want to experience what that feels like.

From the bottom of my heart.
Beautiful C xx

 

Attacked by Panic

Slipping away from the usual chatter. To something quite close to my heart. If you can read through my waffling then you’ll make it to the important bit.

Did you know that we are only born with two fears? The fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. We learn all other fears by the things we have watched throughout our lives. Whether it be caused by something that has happened to us, or something we’ve dreamt etc.
My ex told me this while I was running away from a spider one day. He was always full of interesting useless information. But I can remember stopping and thinking about this one. I thought about the fears I have and how they could have come about.
Wasps – Ugly things. I’ve often wondered if they’re jealous of their fellow buzzing insects and maybe this is why they’re so angry. Let’s face it, Bumble Bee’s are pretty damn cute, and they don’t want to hurt you if they don’t have to. But wasps.. No no, Wasps are out to get us. We’ve upset too many and now they want revenge. I was stung a few times as a child. For anyone who has been stung by a wasp then you’ll understand why I’m so angry at them. They always win a war with me. I hide my eyes (So I can’t see them), I scream and sometimes I even run. But they will always win. Every bloody time.
Spiders – The standard fear. I’m pleased to say that this fear is slowly leaving. After my time in Australia where I was constantly on Spider watch but never actually saw one (surprisingly disappointed), I came to the realisation that if I can live in Australia and survive the spiders then I’m pretty sure I’ll be safe in the UK. This isn’t to say I want to share a bedroom with one though, or a bed for that matter. Anyway, this fear most definitely developed through my childhood whilst watching mum get locked out of a room one day when dad was out. The spider was in control and he sent us to our room until dad returned to save the day!

But my biggest fear.. being around sick people. Whether its a cold or Flu, or sickness bugs, or depression etc. I try so hard, I try to be sympathetic and help in whatever way I can, I can hide how I’m feeling quite well but the anxiety and panic that builds up inside of me is unreal. Sometimes I feel guilty for this and I’m sure no one really understands. I guess I just seem heartless and unsympathetic. Selfish because “it’ll be different when I’m sick”.

I was 7 when my mum first got diagnosed with having a Nervous breakdown. I remember the days leading up to this like it happened yesterday. I can detail every point which screamed “Nervous Breakdown!!” The crazy car journey, the shouting, the panic attacks, the crying. But I was 7. I had no idea what was going on. Mum was behaving weird, mum was crying, mum slept all the time, I wasn’t allowed to see mum because “She’s with the doctor”. I don’t remember the emotions I felt. And I can only really remember the first day. I refused to go to school, probably because I didn’t understand what was happening and why we weren’t allowed to see her that morning. But I do remember that it lasted a long time. I remember the tablets she took for the next 20 years. I remember how ill she looked, and her refusing to answer the phone. Probably all small things to you, but big things to us. But when did mum become so scared of life? I know her story. I know she had to be strong when she was younger.  We talk, we share things. What with her past and then both her parents dying within a small period of time, my dad becoming ill and his diabetes putting him in hospital and then my brother having surgery on his arm for an extremely bad break its no wonder this happened.

If you met her then you’d never guess that she has this. She got better, she controlled it but it’s depression and depression doesn’t just go away.
So, next time when someone close by is panicking because their fear has over taken a second of their life. Don’t laugh, don’t make things worse, don’t tell them not to be so silly. Just remember, you don’t know their story. And maybe your fear is just as silly as theirs is.

Stay calm, and peace out.
C xx