I’m not sure I’m ready to get off..

Amble, a slow walk. Taking your time to smell the flowers, feel the leaves, hear nature, smell the fresh air. Don’t rush. Enjoy life. Because if you think about it, life itself goes by quite fast, so why do we rush it forward even more?! (I started writing this blog yesterday..when the daily prompt was Amble). But the sentence fits so I’m keeping it. 

I met Mr Interview the other evening. I know…a year in the making! I thought it was about time I just bit the bullet and went for it. I hadn’t spoken to him in maybe 4 months and just like that he reappeared. Everywhere. In my head, on the phone and then in the street. His chat had changed this time, it was different, still mainly sex but speaking of holidays, the day, ourselves. He’s that good that he knew I wouldn’t have responded much if he hadn’t have changed his game. Silly me!! I knew exactly what would happen, why do you think I hadn’t met him. I’m not a strong person when it comes to relationships, casual or serious ones. I’m still trying to understand why I’m not strong and how I can be stronger. I put on a front but hey who am I fooling? Just myself. I’ve spent numerous hours, days and weeks working on liking myself, accepting my body and realising that my personality really outshines my flaws but something is obviously not fixed and I still need to realise what that is. 

So I went to his, we chatted and then we did the deed. I got right into it but maybe I didn’t put my all into it, which I should have done. Now at the time I thought I was shining, I’m always quite confident in bed, I like the lights on, I don’t worry about my body and I get involved. But something is telling me that something wasn’t right. This should spell out that maybe there was no spark but to me this spells out that he didn’t like my body, I wasn’t good enough in bed and he didn’t find me attractive. I’m worrying that he faked his orgasm, I’m worrying that he’s wishing he never wasted his time. My demons are running wild with me. Which is really fucking annoying as I know none of this is actually what’s happening in the real world. He walked me home after which probably didn’t help with the effect his charm and great looks has had on. There isn’t many men who would offer to walk you home safe..is there?? 

I think I expected too much even though I knew this is what would happen. I thought if we’d been talking for all this time then it would take a little more than an hour or so to chose to never speak to me again. (I say never again, he’s been polite enough to answer my texts). 

I’ve been on this Carousel now for well over a year, I was really enjoying it but now I’m starting to feel dizzy, I think I should get off but if I’m honest I don’t really want to. But do carousels do anything else but go round in circles and does this mean I’m ready to upgrade to the rollercoaster now instead..

Words of advice, kindness and feedback will help massively today. Comments on a postcard please xxx

Thanks pressers 

C xxx

I lost myself 

I haven’t posted for a few months. Actually more than a few months.

Something unfortunate happened to me. It’s still happening to me. But today is a bit of a “wake up” and I found the urge to write it down. For my own sanity more than anything.

I found someone. Someone who opened this heart more than anyone has done for quite some years. I haven’t fallen in love with him, to be honest I’m not even close. But I have developed a crazy amount of feelings for him and somehow have lost all of my power. The unfortunate thing is that.. He has a girlfriend!!!

It was never my intention to get this involved, although I probably should have questioned why I even decided to dive into conversations with him knowing he had a girlfriend. I knew him from school..kinda. I bumped into him in a bar, wanted a photo, sent the photo to myself from his phone and so it began. I laid the law down from the start, I put him back in his box whenever he needed to go back in. I owned the power. But he owned the charm, which is what’s got me into this mess! When you tell someone that something isn’t going to happen, you have to stick to that, don’t fall for any bull shit that leaves their mouth, as much as it makes you feel special. DO NOT GIVE IN! It wasn’t long before he’d convinced me to go for innocent lunch. It was innocent, apart from the fact that I got butterflies and it was probably better than any proper date I’d been on for a while. He told me for the 7000th time that he isn’t usually like this and he doesn’t talk to other girls etc etc. To be honest, my gut told me to believe that part. As much as that sounds ridiculous. My head however questioned the gut and it all got very confusing.

To cut a long story short, we’ve seen each other a few times and they’ve not all been innocent. I’ve told him numerous times that I can’t do this and I can’t hurt her or myself. I mean he’s ok isn’t he, he’ll win whichever way. I’ve lost the power of the situation and he knows this. He no longer tries to charm me (probably because he doesn’t need to anymore) and he is never first to suggest to see me. I understand that he has to be careful but FYI young man.. there is only so much power this girl will let you have. And today, I’m taking it back.

Today I was supposed to see him, again because I asked if I could. But I wanted to see how much he wanted to see me so I passed the ball to him to ask me in a few days. He didn’t. When I reminded him of the plans he said he thought I wasn’t interested as I hadn’t mentioned it again. Anyone else calling bullshit on this?? So I cancelled the later plans and I think it’s pretty obvious to him that I’m done with it. Today I’m pissed off, so it’s easier to gain the control of myself back. But I am concerned that I will lose it again when all is forgiven in a few days.

To him.. I really hope you don’t do this often. More so for all of the trust you’re taking away from people.

To his girlfriend… I’m very sorry. I didn’t try hard enough to keep him away.

To myself… You know the answers to the questions. Find yourself again and remember you’re worth more.

Don’t let a bad guy change a very good soul.

C xx

Dear 2016

Dearest 2016, 

There are a lot of people in this world that hate you. I’m not sure what you were thinking when you took away so many famous faces, inspirations and iconic legends. Did we upset you or were you sad and just wanted to take all of our favourites to keep you company? Ronnie Corbett, David Bowie, Victoria Wood, Muhammad Ali, Prince, Alan Rickman, you even took Pudseys best friend Terry Wogan. C’mon dude…How could you break Pudseys heart? The list seemed to be endless and then you decide to take another one of the best on Christmas Day.

Me.. I’m still undecided about how I feel about you. You broke my heart. You took me away from a life I had fallen head over heels in love with. Not only a life but a country I had become completely smitten with. You took me away from my new friends, a good job, glorious sunshine and the happiest of lifestyles. But more importantly you took me away from the feeling of being totally free and safe. I had found myself, all of myself. I’d worked so hard from being completely alone 10,000 miles from home to being the most independent version of myself and within an instant you took it away from me. Wow, how you made me cry when I realised that I would not be making Australia my permanent home. You took some of my sunshine away that day and for that I shall never really 100% forgive you. 

It wasn’t long before I’d realised your reasons for doing this. Not only did you make way for more travelling, and to see the sights of the absolutely beautiful New Zealand but you reunited me with my cousin, friend and soul sister. A lady that I thought I would never see again. You took me to meet family I hadn’t ever met. You connected me with an uncle I never got the chance to meet, you showed me his home and his world, his resting place. Something that my dad will never get the chance to do. I did it for him. You gave me another country to tick off with my travelling partner in crime, you gave me new friends, wonderful sights and 1000 plus memories that I will cherish forever. 

You then gave me the strength to make it back home. I may not have been ready to board that flight from NZ to London but you pushed me, you reminded me of everyone who was waiting for me at the other end. The excitement of knowing that I was going to bring joy to some of my favourite people’s lives. When we flew into England, the plane went grey. It was weird and sad and lonely and daunting. But within 48 hours you had provided smiles and happy tears to my friends and family. You gave my dad the best 60th birthday present he could have asked for. You mended one of my best friends hearts and you gave my mum back her smile. 

And how could I forget that you were the start of something big. Alongside 2015, you made plenty of my dreams come true. But what you did all by yourself was reignite the passion I have for therapies and helping people feel good. And not only did you reignite that flame but you gave me the drive and ambition to follow another dream and together we started a business. Established 2016.. that’s you that is! 

2016, you’ve got a lot to answer for. You may not ever compare to 2015 but you’ve been a huge help in saving my soul. And I will always, ALWAYS, remember you. 

Geborgenheit. 

C xxxx

Papa, I do love you, I promise.

“Smile, It’s Christmas!!” If one more person says that to me before the end of next week I may have a Nervous Breakdown (I’m allowed to make fun of Mental Health, It’s in my genes).

This week has been horrendous on my brain. So much so that tonight I sat on the end of my bed, cried and had an argument with the wall. Obviously pretending that the wall was in fact the world. It’s just the wall was easier to reach.
Nothing major has happened to me this week, and to be honest nothing really minor has happened but I’m just about ready to explode over small things so god help anyone who might get in my way between now and Christmas Eve (Xmas Eve you’ll be fine as I’ll be drinking most of the day so do what you wish to me).

I think once I’d taken my frustration out on the wall I realised what the main factor for my breakdown was. My dad. Sometimes he can suffocate me with love and fussing and sometimes I just want to scream at him to leave me alone but I’d break his heart.
I’m a daddies girl, he is my number 1 and he always will be. My absolute hero, I can’t remember when he became this because I don’t ever remember a time that I wasn’t by his side. Maybe it was because he held my family together at a point when mum nearly got taken away. Maybe it’s because he looked after her and stuck by her side whilst making sure me and my brother were kept sane too. Or maybe it’s just because I was lucky enough to have the relationship every daughter should have with their daddy.
But sometimes, just sometimes, he can really do my head in!! Like at the moment for instance. He is grilling me about everything. Here are a few:

  • Where are you going? What time will you be home? Who are you going out with? (I’m going on a date. With a man I’ve never met. And I may stay at his. Wink Wink nudge nudge???)
  • Where have you parked? Is it safe? Are you parked over a driveway? Are you on doubles lines? (No. I’m an idiot and I love getting parking fines!)
  • Do you have any glasses in your room? Do you have any plates in your room? Everything has gone missing, you must have it in your room! (Because, I just must??)

The other night I passed him walking the dog on the way home from work, I didn’t see him but he assures me he waved and that there was someone in my car. I definitely had no one in my car. Either it wasn’t me that he saw or I have a ghost driving around with me. That was 4 days ago and he is still adamant that I’m keeping secrets from him.

Then the latest one tonight (which is what sent me over the edge) was about my car. I’m due to drive 130 miles north this weekend to see my friend from Australia. I have a rear side light out, which is dangerous on the motorway so I did as he asked and I went and bought a bulb so he could fit it in time for me to leave. He goes to fit it tonight and it turned into an episode of Eastenders. I had the wrong bulb, then it wasn’t the bulb it was the fuse and now he’s worrying about me driving all that way. Seriously??? I’ve been around the world, and you are worrying about me driving 130 miles??

It’s not even worth moaning about I’m sure but sometimes one thing reminds you of the last 5 things which have bugged you and it’s kind of like blowing a balloon up. Just one more tiny blow and BANG.. It can’t take anymore and it explodes! I’ve reached this point.

But because I love him so much, even writing this blog just to vent it and get it out of my system tugs on my heart strings a little. He’ll never know I’ve said this because he probably doesn’t even know what a “Blog” is. But I don’t really mean what I say, I’m just angry. Because of these tiny things, I’m on a downer. I’m in a negative little bubble and I cannot get out of it and every little mole hill I am turning into a mountain.

When I first started dating my ex boyfriend he got so jealous, he felt he’d been replaced by a new man. When I moved out he thought I’d never visit him again. 8 years later when I broke down and told my parents how unhappy I was with my boyfriend he cuddled me, brought me tea and chocolates and then hugged me some more, probably relieved that he had me back but obviously trying to mend the heart that was very clearly breaking.
When he got diagnosed with Cancer a few years ago I didn’t know how to behave. I knew he’d be fine, it wasn’t even an aggressive type and an operation cured him so we were a very lucky family to keep him. But I felt guilty for being so calm and not having the emotion I thought I’d have if that day ever came.
I didn’t go travelling sooner incase I never saw him again, sounds mad right?! But I couldn’t bare being away and getting a phonecall to say that I’d missed my goodbye. It happened to my cousin whilst she was over here from NZ, that dreaded phonecall where you almost think someone is playing a sick prank. But it frightened me. That was his brother, his other brother is also gone and both of his parents. He’s the last one left. So he had to sit me down, whilst listening to me sob my heart out and promise me he’d still be here when I got home. He kept his promise.

I love that man. He’s my dad and I know he just wants to look after me and keep me safe. But sometimes I just want to be the 31 year old adult he’s helped me to become and sometimes he doesn’t realize that just sometimes he just doesn’t let me.

Forever, always my number 1 man.

C xx

Those times when you feel f*@cking amazing!!

It was Christmas Party night last night. I work in a small salon self-employed but its one of my best friends shops so her and her husband paid for us all. A lovely evening of comedy, pies and dancing.
I love dressing up and feeling great, but I don’t do it very often anymore as now I’m a girl in her 30’s I much prefer the local pubs. Dressing up for those nights is a bit of mascara and a spritz of perfume. So to say I was excited to get the sparkly outfits and the jewellery out was an understatement. However, being the most unorganised female I think ever existed I didn’t really think about looking for a new dress until a few days before, then bought about 10 and didn’t like any of them. I finally opted for a beautiful green top and sequin skirt (we won’t even go into the skirt situation!!).

So. All dressed up, hair and make up looking fab. Mini skirt showing off the length of my extraordinary long legs, and top showing just about the right amount of skin but hiding the terrible tan mark I left on my arm (again, because I’m so unorganised I decided to tan at 1.30am the morning before). I was feeling really really beautiful and good about myself.

I’ve been thinking about Mr Interview quite a bit this week, thinking that its Christmas Party weekend and that maybe I’ll eventually bump into him some place. It’d be good to see him in real life. Please bare in mind that I haven’t spoken to this guy in about 6 weeks now so why I was manifesting this in my head I have no idea. Anyway, they say if you think about something enough then it attracts the scenario. And as we have realised previously the universe is giving me a hand lately.
I’m enjoying some comedy and who appears on my phone??! Only MR BLOODY INTERVIEW! Like, seriously world. What are you doing to me. It was only a plain and simple “Hey”. And clearly that shouts Booty Call but I couldn’t resist.. I sent a cheeky couple of texts back. Not cheeky as in flirty. More the casual “Hey” back. And then a bit of “Yeh, out” and maybe a bit of “Xmas Party” when he asked where I was. Thankfully my phone battery died not long after as I did not want to show him that he could have me just like that thankyou very much (although, he definitely maybe probably could!).

Going back to how good I felt, before Mr Interview rudely interrupted. Everywhere I went last night I was star of the show. You’ve got your pretty, skinny little things that look gorgeous but you often wonder what they wake up looking like once the make up has been removed. But last night, I was the woman with the legs, and the hips, and the amazing hair, and the big green eyes (because even though they’re hazel some days they appear much more greener). At one point I had to turn to my friend and ask if my skirt had ridden up my backside and was everything hanging out as I had a half-moon shape circle form around me of guys just giving me the eye. I had a few guys try to chat me up (no chance mate), I even had one guy (who would have had a chance) watching me from across the dance floor and finally come across to, I thought, speak to me and then my beauty must have made him so nervous he walked back away and just studied me from the distance all night. Men are strange creatures.

This may make you believe that I have a huge ego and that I love attention (Who doesn’t) but here’s the thing.
I don’t like attention. I don’t enjoy dancing with a load of men circling and ogling at me. I don’t like men trying to get with me in bars and clubs. And I most certainly don’t want them trying to dance or touch me.
But what I do like is feeling confident, I see the looks on the guys faces and they’re not ones of a threatening manner, they’re looks of “That girl is fine, but she ain’t gonna come home with me so I’ll just enjoy the view and when she smiles, I’ll smile back”. Men tell me I’m beautiful all the time. But sometimes, saying it to yourself and believing it gives you more of an ego boost than when the fit guy that everyone wants says it to you whilst smacking your bum. And that’s when you know you’re on the right track in your quest to love yourself. I’m proud that I don’t need a man to tell me this, and I’m proud that when I say it to myself, I bloody well believe it!

When life gets busy 

I’ve been really poor at posting on here lately. It started off well but then I hit a never ending road in my daily life that caused mayhem in my thoughts and I would never have been able to cram them into words.

I’ve met a few guys in these last few weeks and I’ve made more of an effort in the dating game so lots to update you on.

Will be back soon

C xx

Change

Today is going to be a day of change.. update coming later.

But I need some opinions.. At the moment this blog is anonymous. It’s anonymous because there are things I write about that some people in my life probably wouldn’t appreciate (like the sex talk etc). I’m also new to this and I don’t yet have my flow (if you can put it that way).

I’ve always really wanted to write about a journey, usually Health and fitness or diet or how to love yourself etc. Something that would benefit others. So I’m thinking.. and I need your thoughts and opinions etc.. of showing myself.

I joined the gym today. I want to get fit, I want to blog about it and have inspiration to keep me at it. I want feedback and advice and whatever anyone else wants to give me. I want to share pictures and goals. I want you all to join me on this and I can’t do that if anonymous.

So, do I just keep this anonymous and create a new blog or shall I be brave and show myself?

Help ….

C xx