Dear 2016

Dearest 2016, 

There are a lot of people in this world that hate you. I’m not sure what you were thinking when you took away so many famous faces, inspirations and iconic legends. Did we upset you or were you sad and just wanted to take all of our favourites to keep you company? Ronnie Corbett, David Bowie, Victoria Wood, Muhammad Ali, Prince, Alan Rickman, you even took Pudseys best friend Terry Wogan. C’mon dude…How could you break Pudseys heart? The list seemed to be endless and then you decide to take another one of the best on Christmas Day.

Me.. I’m still undecided about how I feel about you. You broke my heart. You took me away from a life I had fallen head over heels in love with. Not only a life but a country I had become completely smitten with. You took me away from my new friends, a good job, glorious sunshine and the happiest of lifestyles. But more importantly you took me away from the feeling of being totally free and safe. I had found myself, all of myself. I’d worked so hard from being completely alone 10,000 miles from home to being the most independent version of myself and within an instant you took it away from me. Wow, how you made me cry when I realised that I would not be making Australia my permanent home. You took some of my sunshine away that day and for that I shall never really 100% forgive you. 

It wasn’t long before I’d realised your reasons for doing this. Not only did you make way for more travelling, and to see the sights of the absolutely beautiful New Zealand but you reunited me with my cousin, friend and soul sister. A lady that I thought I would never see again. You took me to meet family I hadn’t ever met. You connected me with an uncle I never got the chance to meet, you showed me his home and his world, his resting place. Something that my dad will never get the chance to do. I did it for him. You gave me another country to tick off with my travelling partner in crime, you gave me new friends, wonderful sights and 1000 plus memories that I will cherish forever. 

You then gave me the strength to make it back home. I may not have been ready to board that flight from NZ to London but you pushed me, you reminded me of everyone who was waiting for me at the other end. The excitement of knowing that I was going to bring joy to some of my favourite people’s lives. When we flew into England, the plane went grey. It was weird and sad and lonely and daunting. But within 48 hours you had provided smiles and happy tears to my friends and family. You gave my dad the best 60th birthday present he could have asked for. You mended one of my best friends hearts and you gave my mum back her smile. 

And how could I forget that you were the start of something big. Alongside 2015, you made plenty of my dreams come true. But what you did all by yourself was reignite the passion I have for therapies and helping people feel good. And not only did you reignite that flame but you gave me the drive and ambition to follow another dream and together we started a business. Established 2016.. that’s you that is! 

2016, you’ve got a lot to answer for. You may not ever compare to 2015 but you’ve been a huge help in saving my soul. And I will always, ALWAYS, remember you. 

Geborgenheit. 

C xxxx

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The battle with myself 

I’m adding a new subject to this blog… Weight loss. Getting fit. Being healthy. GAINING CONFIDENCE. 

Its true what they say “No one will love you until you love yourself.” If you don’t love yourself and have a healthy relationship with number one then you will always be searching for someone to help you. You’ll accept any love from any one and this often ends in ‘any one’ being the wrong one. I’ve been there far too many times. I don’t feel good about myself and some jerk offers me a compliment, I accept the compliment because he’s made me feel good. He charms the pants off of me, has his wicked way and leaves me feeling even worse than I did before I met him. This wouldn’t have been his fault, only mine. As I am the only one who can control these inner feelings. Now if I loved myself enough then the Jerk wouldn’t have come within a mile of me. 1) Because I wouldn’t have let him and 2) because he wouldn’t have been able to smell my vulnerability. My confidence would have been a lot stronger than his and I would have won the battle. 

What I’m trying to say is that when you love yourself you don’t need anyone else’s approval, your instinct is so strong that you’d be able to tell the Jerks from the good guys and you’d be an all round winner. It took me a very long time to find some confidence within this soul of mine. And even though I’m no where near where I want to be emotionally, I am way over half way there compared to a few years ago, and I can positively say that even within the small amount of confidence that I’ve gained I can see and feel one heck of a difference in happiness already. 

I’ve always battled with my body. Never being the same as others, too tall, too overweight, not as pretty and petite as my other friends. I’ve been smaller than I am now and my gosh have I been bigger. I’ve had short hair, long hair, dark hair, blonde hair. I’ve never really had an issue with my face, especially if I’m wearing a smile but My weight has always been my struggle. It’s been worse since I lost a few stone as I’ve now become a little obsessed. Constantly worrying about what I’m putting in my mouth but eating it anyway and then complaining and feeling guilty afterwards. I often have flings with chocolate. Binge flings. It’s just been Christmas so it’s been a pretty intense fling this time so I must admit at the moment I’m on a guilt trip and I am giving myself some hefty beating up about it and this is when it all goes wrong. This is where I get annoyed at myself for not having more confidence as I know for the next few weeks I am going to struggle to love myself. 

BUT, I want to end this post on a positive. This is a journey that I shall no doubt be on for the rest of my life. The battle within my soul. Something or maybe even someone caused this battle and being the warrior that I am I have finally found the correct armour to face it. In the last 2 years of my life I have realised that life isn’t about the way you look, or the materialistic life you lead. It isn’t about having the right car or the expensive shoes, or the pretty face and the smallest waist. It’s about love and respect and enjoyment and living the life you can with what you have. Embracing every flaw, everything that makes you different and show the world that actually being different is fun. I’ve realised that it’s actually 500 times better to be different, be quirky, be whatever the fuck you want to be. Because otherwise you will stand in that crowd looking like every other mofo and you will never be noticed. Be crazy and be wild and show the world who you are. Dare to be different. Because if you look closely enough, in a crowd of 99 clones and 1 individual there is only going to be one person who stands out. 


So tonight I’m going to practice my gratitude and give thanks to all that I was given. Hips to keep my babies comfortable, legs to help me reach the top shelf and a wild personality to keep me sane! 

Goodnight world and god bless. 

C xxx

The return of Mr Interview 

God Damn this guy! I’ve tried the whole “don’t reply to his texts”, He came back. So then I tried the whole “Be really full on”, He came back. I could try the “Please never contact me again” text but then he definitely wouldn’t come back. And I’m not sure I want that. 

If you’ve read my previous post then you’ll know that NYE I was in bed but with another guy. Mr Interview doesn’t get a thought unless he bothers to send a message. But he always seems to send them at the wrong time. Like before I head to the bedroom with Pokemon. The text message said “What are you doing right now?”. So now I could be having sex with him, why even put that thought into my head before I’m about to jump into bed with someone else. It’s just not fair. I can reassure you all I didn’t spend my first time with Pokemon thinking about Interview… that would have been a wreckage!! I did think afterwards what a very different situation I would have been in if I’d have chosen a different after party location. 

I waited until the morning to reply with “I was having sex. Happy New Year”.. now that’s either the worst or best thing I could have done. He seemed jealous, but with a little bit of enquisitive behaviour too. The dude has no idea the fantasies I have about him. He’s Christian Grey. The man is Christian bloody Grey. I just need to be his Anastasia Steel. 

And so the fantasy lives on… 

Happy Dreaming

C xxx

A naked New Year 

Dates 5 & 6 with Pokemon have happened. I can’t believe I’ve gone through that many dates with the same guy. What an achievement. I suppose I get to write about him as a regular now instead of just another date. Maybe that’s because at 2.30am on New Years Day we were sharing a bed, naked. Yes. It happened! 

So date 5 was just another night out. I should have saw him in the daytime but unfortunately I had a few turn of events which stopped this happening. Due to these unfortunate events, a very large glass of wine was needed which then led to a few double rums which then led to me talking very openly about sex. We had a very intimate conversation in the middle of a bar about why I hadn’t yet slept with him and him admitting he thought something was wrong. Date 5 really isn’t that late to be getting intimate though is it?? We left it at that as the time had ran away from me but I discovered that night what I liked about him. We didn’t just talk about sex, we also talked about how he puts no pressure on me with anything (including reply straight away or arranging anther date so quick) and about why I’ve ended up seeing him more than I thought I would. It was a very tell tale sign that maybe I like him more than I make out. It’s hard, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and I’m worried that at the moment I like him but in a few weeks he’d have fallen for me then I’m going to change my mind and hurt him. I don’t think he’s my forever man. I just don’t get the butterflies I want to get for someone I’m falling for and I definitely don’t want to be leading him on. 

The deed was then done at a rough estimate of 2.30am New Years Day. I’m going to remember this as I did question if I should be starting the New Year like this. Start as you mean to go on etc. But I enjoyed it. Not in a Passionate, take me now kind of way. More of a I’m glad I waited kind of way. I’m going to do it again, and probably again but I can’t say at the moment if I’ll still be writing about this guy in 6 months time. And if I am, then it’ll no doubt be because he’s become a bloody good friend. 

Happy New Year to you all. I hope 2017 is filled with Love. 

C xx

Papa, I do love you, I promise.

“Smile, It’s Christmas!!” If one more person says that to me before the end of next week I may have a Nervous Breakdown (I’m allowed to make fun of Mental Health, It’s in my genes).

This week has been horrendous on my brain. So much so that tonight I sat on the end of my bed, cried and had an argument with the wall. Obviously pretending that the wall was in fact the world. It’s just the wall was easier to reach.
Nothing major has happened to me this week, and to be honest nothing really minor has happened but I’m just about ready to explode over small things so god help anyone who might get in my way between now and Christmas Eve (Xmas Eve you’ll be fine as I’ll be drinking most of the day so do what you wish to me).

I think once I’d taken my frustration out on the wall I realised what the main factor for my breakdown was. My dad. Sometimes he can suffocate me with love and fussing and sometimes I just want to scream at him to leave me alone but I’d break his heart.
I’m a daddies girl, he is my number 1 and he always will be. My absolute hero, I can’t remember when he became this because I don’t ever remember a time that I wasn’t by his side. Maybe it was because he held my family together at a point when mum nearly got taken away. Maybe it’s because he looked after her and stuck by her side whilst making sure me and my brother were kept sane too. Or maybe it’s just because I was lucky enough to have the relationship every daughter should have with their daddy.
But sometimes, just sometimes, he can really do my head in!! Like at the moment for instance. He is grilling me about everything. Here are a few:

  • Where are you going? What time will you be home? Who are you going out with? (I’m going on a date. With a man I’ve never met. And I may stay at his. Wink Wink nudge nudge???)
  • Where have you parked? Is it safe? Are you parked over a driveway? Are you on doubles lines? (No. I’m an idiot and I love getting parking fines!)
  • Do you have any glasses in your room? Do you have any plates in your room? Everything has gone missing, you must have it in your room! (Because, I just must??)

The other night I passed him walking the dog on the way home from work, I didn’t see him but he assures me he waved and that there was someone in my car. I definitely had no one in my car. Either it wasn’t me that he saw or I have a ghost driving around with me. That was 4 days ago and he is still adamant that I’m keeping secrets from him.

Then the latest one tonight (which is what sent me over the edge) was about my car. I’m due to drive 130 miles north this weekend to see my friend from Australia. I have a rear side light out, which is dangerous on the motorway so I did as he asked and I went and bought a bulb so he could fit it in time for me to leave. He goes to fit it tonight and it turned into an episode of Eastenders. I had the wrong bulb, then it wasn’t the bulb it was the fuse and now he’s worrying about me driving all that way. Seriously??? I’ve been around the world, and you are worrying about me driving 130 miles??

It’s not even worth moaning about I’m sure but sometimes one thing reminds you of the last 5 things which have bugged you and it’s kind of like blowing a balloon up. Just one more tiny blow and BANG.. It can’t take anymore and it explodes! I’ve reached this point.

But because I love him so much, even writing this blog just to vent it and get it out of my system tugs on my heart strings a little. He’ll never know I’ve said this because he probably doesn’t even know what a “Blog” is. But I don’t really mean what I say, I’m just angry. Because of these tiny things, I’m on a downer. I’m in a negative little bubble and I cannot get out of it and every little mole hill I am turning into a mountain.

When I first started dating my ex boyfriend he got so jealous, he felt he’d been replaced by a new man. When I moved out he thought I’d never visit him again. 8 years later when I broke down and told my parents how unhappy I was with my boyfriend he cuddled me, brought me tea and chocolates and then hugged me some more, probably relieved that he had me back but obviously trying to mend the heart that was very clearly breaking.
When he got diagnosed with Cancer a few years ago I didn’t know how to behave. I knew he’d be fine, it wasn’t even an aggressive type and an operation cured him so we were a very lucky family to keep him. But I felt guilty for being so calm and not having the emotion I thought I’d have if that day ever came.
I didn’t go travelling sooner incase I never saw him again, sounds mad right?! But I couldn’t bare being away and getting a phonecall to say that I’d missed my goodbye. It happened to my cousin whilst she was over here from NZ, that dreaded phonecall where you almost think someone is playing a sick prank. But it frightened me. That was his brother, his other brother is also gone and both of his parents. He’s the last one left. So he had to sit me down, whilst listening to me sob my heart out and promise me he’d still be here when I got home. He kept his promise.

I love that man. He’s my dad and I know he just wants to look after me and keep me safe. But sometimes I just want to be the 31 year old adult he’s helped me to become and sometimes he doesn’t realize that just sometimes he just doesn’t let me.

Forever, always my number 1 man.

C xx

Those times when you feel f*@cking amazing!!

It was Christmas Party night last night. I work in a small salon self-employed but its one of my best friends shops so her and her husband paid for us all. A lovely evening of comedy, pies and dancing.
I love dressing up and feeling great, but I don’t do it very often anymore as now I’m a girl in her 30’s I much prefer the local pubs. Dressing up for those nights is a bit of mascara and a spritz of perfume. So to say I was excited to get the sparkly outfits and the jewellery out was an understatement. However, being the most unorganised female I think ever existed I didn’t really think about looking for a new dress until a few days before, then bought about 10 and didn’t like any of them. I finally opted for a beautiful green top and sequin skirt (we won’t even go into the skirt situation!!).

So. All dressed up, hair and make up looking fab. Mini skirt showing off the length of my extraordinary long legs, and top showing just about the right amount of skin but hiding the terrible tan mark I left on my arm (again, because I’m so unorganised I decided to tan at 1.30am the morning before). I was feeling really really beautiful and good about myself.

I’ve been thinking about Mr Interview quite a bit this week, thinking that its Christmas Party weekend and that maybe I’ll eventually bump into him some place. It’d be good to see him in real life. Please bare in mind that I haven’t spoken to this guy in about 6 weeks now so why I was manifesting this in my head I have no idea. Anyway, they say if you think about something enough then it attracts the scenario. And as we have realised previously the universe is giving me a hand lately.
I’m enjoying some comedy and who appears on my phone??! Only MR BLOODY INTERVIEW! Like, seriously world. What are you doing to me. It was only a plain and simple “Hey”. And clearly that shouts Booty Call but I couldn’t resist.. I sent a cheeky couple of texts back. Not cheeky as in flirty. More the casual “Hey” back. And then a bit of “Yeh, out” and maybe a bit of “Xmas Party” when he asked where I was. Thankfully my phone battery died not long after as I did not want to show him that he could have me just like that thankyou very much (although, he definitely maybe probably could!).

Going back to how good I felt, before Mr Interview rudely interrupted. Everywhere I went last night I was star of the show. You’ve got your pretty, skinny little things that look gorgeous but you often wonder what they wake up looking like once the make up has been removed. But last night, I was the woman with the legs, and the hips, and the amazing hair, and the big green eyes (because even though they’re hazel some days they appear much more greener). At one point I had to turn to my friend and ask if my skirt had ridden up my backside and was everything hanging out as I had a half-moon shape circle form around me of guys just giving me the eye. I had a few guys try to chat me up (no chance mate), I even had one guy (who would have had a chance) watching me from across the dance floor and finally come across to, I thought, speak to me and then my beauty must have made him so nervous he walked back away and just studied me from the distance all night. Men are strange creatures.

This may make you believe that I have a huge ego and that I love attention (Who doesn’t) but here’s the thing.
I don’t like attention. I don’t enjoy dancing with a load of men circling and ogling at me. I don’t like men trying to get with me in bars and clubs. And I most certainly don’t want them trying to dance or touch me.
But what I do like is feeling confident, I see the looks on the guys faces and they’re not ones of a threatening manner, they’re looks of “That girl is fine, but she ain’t gonna come home with me so I’ll just enjoy the view and when she smiles, I’ll smile back”. Men tell me I’m beautiful all the time. But sometimes, saying it to yourself and believing it gives you more of an ego boost than when the fit guy that everyone wants says it to you whilst smacking your bum. And that’s when you know you’re on the right track in your quest to love yourself. I’m proud that I don’t need a man to tell me this, and I’m proud that when I say it to myself, I bloody well believe it!

When something is missing…

I’ve just completed Date 4 with Pokemon (I’m not sure why I’m calling him Pokemon anymore but we’ll carry on with that one).
So yeh..Date 4!!!! To be honest it feels more like Date 20 as it feels like I never didn’t know him. I stayed last night but the deed still wasn’t done. I used the excuse of a lack of waxing, which wasn’t really an excuse. It is getting a bit foresty down there (The joys of working in a  busy salon – there is never enough time to fit your own appointments in) and I just wouldn’t put him through that. But I don’t think I could do it with him anyway. No offence to him.. keep reading and you’ll understand why.

I hear you ask how did I get to date 4? Last time I posted I’d maybe only just completed date 1? So we went for dinner for date 2 and whilst out for dinner we discussed Longleat safari park which is about an hour away from home but I’d never been, so he offered to take me. And there we have it..Date 3; A week later, we went for a day out at a safari park. It was so much fun, his company is on point, his banter is perfect. He made me a bacon sandwich for the trip there, that is most certainly a way in to this girls heart. He’s very touchy feely (which I’d probably love if it was the right person), he’s not at all clingy which scores him massive points, but something is missing and this makes me sad. If you were to ask me if I liked him then I’d say Definitely. If you asked me if I wanted to be with him then I’d say No.
I can’t quite get a grip onto what it is that’s missing, or if it is just that I’m not attracted to him. Maybe it’s his weight (or lack of), maybe it’s his height (again, or lack of). I don’t know but I know it’s maybe time to let him know how I’m feeling 😦

I was going to tell him before date 3 but I really wanted to spend the day with him. Then I was going to tell him after date 3 but I realized one night that I really wanted to see him so I guessed maybe there were more feelings and maybe I needed to just go with the flow, its only date 3 after all. But now we’re heading on to date 5, I’ve stayed the night, we’ve discussed personal stuff. I want to stay friends but I’m sure he doesn’t need anymore friends.
So this week is the week to break the silence and discuss how I’m feeling. Wish me luck :-/

C xxx