Facing the insecurities

There comes a time in life when you have to face your insecurities and fears. How you deal with that is completely your own responsibility. You can ask the world and it’s son for advice and feedback but you are the only one who will feel the feelings that you’re feeling so you’re the only one who can answer your questions.

I’m at that point. You could say that I’m a confident wise woman but when faced with an emotion that scares me so much it’s like every inch of confidence leaves my body and I’m a little girl again.

After I started falling in love and feeling a way I’d not felt in such a long time (so long in fact, that I can’t actually remember when I last felt like it), I found out that the man that I was giving my heart to had failed to tell me that he had a very young baby. I can’t dive into his past too much as it’s not my story to tell but the bond between that babies mother and him is something I will probably never get from him. After much laying in my bed crying like a teenager I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and take on his life. This meant accepting the past and what has happened and accepting the future as it will be. Not just me and him, but me and him and her and her. I will never ever make judgement of a lady I’ve never met and I will never make comments about an ex that I’ve never met even if the stories I’m being fed aren’t the nicest. Until I meet her I will not judge and criticise.

However, it’s brought up insecurities I never even knew I had. Insecurities that make me feel second best and I don’t know how long I will feel like this. I’m trying to work on myself to understand why and where these have come from but I know I shouldn’t let an insecurity ruin such an amazing feeling right now. They say things get easier with time, but will time truly make me feel like I will ever have the same bond with the man I love as he does with the woman he used to love. I’m not sure. Do I chose love and settle for second place. Do I accept he’s never felt this way about anyone before and accept that maybe that puts me at number one. And why am I concentrating so much on being number one when I could just sit and enjoy every second with him without that being a care.

Time will tell. I’ve asked the universe for help in answering my questions and I shall enjoy the only moment we might possibly have. NOW.

Love.

Cxx

Advertisements

I’m not sure I’m ready to get off..

Amble, a slow walk. Taking your time to smell the flowers, feel the leaves, hear nature, smell the fresh air. Don’t rush. Enjoy life. Because if you think about it, life itself goes by quite fast, so why do we rush it forward even more?! (I started writing this blog yesterday..when the daily prompt was Amble). But the sentence fits so I’m keeping it. 

I met Mr Interview the other evening. I know…a year in the making! I thought it was about time I just bit the bullet and went for it. I hadn’t spoken to him in maybe 4 months and just like that he reappeared. Everywhere. In my head, on the phone and then in the street. His chat had changed this time, it was different, still mainly sex but speaking of holidays, the day, ourselves. He’s that good that he knew I wouldn’t have responded much if he hadn’t have changed his game. Silly me!! I knew exactly what would happen, why do you think I hadn’t met him. I’m not a strong person when it comes to relationships, casual or serious ones. I’m still trying to understand why I’m not strong and how I can be stronger. I put on a front but hey who am I fooling? Just myself. I’ve spent numerous hours, days and weeks working on liking myself, accepting my body and realising that my personality really outshines my flaws but something is obviously not fixed and I still need to realise what that is. 

So I went to his, we chatted and then we did the deed. I got right into it but maybe I didn’t put my all into it, which I should have done. Now at the time I thought I was shining, I’m always quite confident in bed, I like the lights on, I don’t worry about my body and I get involved. But something is telling me that something wasn’t right. This should spell out that maybe there was no spark but to me this spells out that he didn’t like my body, I wasn’t good enough in bed and he didn’t find me attractive. I’m worrying that he faked his orgasm, I’m worrying that he’s wishing he never wasted his time. My demons are running wild with me. Which is really fucking annoying as I know none of this is actually what’s happening in the real world. He walked me home after which probably didn’t help with the effect his charm and great looks has had on. There isn’t many men who would offer to walk you home safe..is there?? 

I think I expected too much even though I knew this is what would happen. I thought if we’d been talking for all this time then it would take a little more than an hour or so to chose to never speak to me again. (I say never again, he’s been polite enough to answer my texts). 

I’ve been on this Carousel now for well over a year, I was really enjoying it but now I’m starting to feel dizzy, I think I should get off but if I’m honest I don’t really want to. But do carousels do anything else but go round in circles and does this mean I’m ready to upgrade to the rollercoaster now instead..

Words of advice, kindness and feedback will help massively today. Comments on a postcard please xxx

Thanks pressers 

C xxx

C’s Story

Who am I? Something you may never find out but everything I will write in these blogs are true to my life. The names may be changed for identity protection but I will only speak of true occurances and behaviours etc.

I’m a 31 year old female who has had a pretty decent life. It wasn’t easy, but I think thats what makes a life decent. Tales, stories and challenges. Moments which made you who you are today.

Mum had a nervous breakdown when I was 7, only felt like it happened yesterday. You’d never guess she was that same person. Taught me to stand on my feet but also taught me to run away from emotions. Although she’d be heartbroken if she knew I’d said that out loud.

I went through school as your average behaved teenage girl who hit puberty atleast 5 years prior to everyone else. School was not my main subject, Men were. I told you.. I hit puberty young. Hormones were shot (Still are). I was a woman when my friends were still girls. When you are 14 this isn’t something you get excited about. I had boobs, hips, a bum. Glorious blonde hair and I looked atleast 17! My first boyfriend believed I was 16 when really I was 14. He was 18 and was soon to be 19. Oh my how I thought he was wonderful.

Moving on a few years later, I met the man who would take me through some very important stages of young adult life. I met him at 16, we broke up when I was 24. To this day, it was one of the hardest days of my life.
I’ve been single ever since. There was one guy who moved into my heart for a few years but he didn’t want it. He just wanted to play with it. That held up another few years.

Other than this I didn’t want, or need love. It caused too much heartache and what if I met the wrong person again? What if I hurt him? What if he hurt me? But deep down I knew I was really thinking “Don’t be silly, he’s not going to fancy me!!”

Then it happened. The travel feet came out and I moved myself across the world through Asia and in to Australia where I made myself a new life. I made friends, a special little family, I met a guy. It was only home for 10 months but it could have been forever. My life changed. I returned to the UK a completely different person and this is how I’ll stay.