I lost myself 

I haven’t posted for a few months. Actually more than a few months.

Something unfortunate happened to me. It’s still happening to me. But today is a bit of a “wake up” and I found the urge to write it down. For my own sanity more than anything.

I found someone. Someone who opened this heart more than anyone has done for quite some years. I haven’t fallen in love with him, to be honest I’m not even close. But I have developed a crazy amount of feelings for him and somehow have lost all of my power. The unfortunate thing is that.. He has a girlfriend!!!

It was never my intention to get this involved, although I probably should have questioned why I even decided to dive into conversations with him knowing he had a girlfriend. I knew him from school..kinda. I bumped into him in a bar, wanted a photo, sent the photo to myself from his phone and so it began. I laid the law down from the start, I put him back in his box whenever he needed to go back in. I owned the power. But he owned the charm, which is what’s got me into this mess! When you tell someone that something isn’t going to happen, you have to stick to that, don’t fall for any bull shit that leaves their mouth, as much as it makes you feel special. DO NOT GIVE IN! It wasn’t long before he’d convinced me to go for innocent lunch. It was innocent, apart from the fact that I got butterflies and it was probably better than any proper date I’d been on for a while. He told me for the 7000th time that he isn’t usually like this and he doesn’t talk to other girls etc etc. To be honest, my gut told me to believe that part. As much as that sounds ridiculous. My head however questioned the gut and it all got very confusing.

To cut a long story short, we’ve seen each other a few times and they’ve not all been innocent. I’ve told him numerous times that I can’t do this and I can’t hurt her or myself. I mean he’s ok isn’t he, he’ll win whichever way. I’ve lost the power of the situation and he knows this. He no longer tries to charm me (probably because he doesn’t need to anymore) and he is never first to suggest to see me. I understand that he has to be careful but FYI young man.. there is only so much power this girl will let you have. And today, I’m taking it back.

Today I was supposed to see him, again because I asked if I could. But I wanted to see how much he wanted to see me so I passed the ball to him to ask me in a few days. He didn’t. When I reminded him of the plans he said he thought I wasn’t interested as I hadn’t mentioned it again. Anyone else calling bullshit on this?? So I cancelled the later plans and I think it’s pretty obvious to him that I’m done with it. Today I’m pissed off, so it’s easier to gain the control of myself back. But I am concerned that I will lose it again when all is forgiven in a few days.

To him.. I really hope you don’t do this often. More so for all of the trust you’re taking away from people.

To his girlfriend… I’m very sorry. I didn’t try hard enough to keep him away.

To myself… You know the answers to the questions. Find yourself again and remember you’re worth more.

Don’t let a bad guy change a very good soul.

C xx

Advertisements

The battle with myself 

I’m adding a new subject to this blog… Weight loss. Getting fit. Being healthy. GAINING CONFIDENCE. 

Its true what they say “No one will love you until you love yourself.” If you don’t love yourself and have a healthy relationship with number one then you will always be searching for someone to help you. You’ll accept any love from any one and this often ends in ‘any one’ being the wrong one. I’ve been there far too many times. I don’t feel good about myself and some jerk offers me a compliment, I accept the compliment because he’s made me feel good. He charms the pants off of me, has his wicked way and leaves me feeling even worse than I did before I met him. This wouldn’t have been his fault, only mine. As I am the only one who can control these inner feelings. Now if I loved myself enough then the Jerk wouldn’t have come within a mile of me. 1) Because I wouldn’t have let him and 2) because he wouldn’t have been able to smell my vulnerability. My confidence would have been a lot stronger than his and I would have won the battle. 

What I’m trying to say is that when you love yourself you don’t need anyone else’s approval, your instinct is so strong that you’d be able to tell the Jerks from the good guys and you’d be an all round winner. It took me a very long time to find some confidence within this soul of mine. And even though I’m no where near where I want to be emotionally, I am way over half way there compared to a few years ago, and I can positively say that even within the small amount of confidence that I’ve gained I can see and feel one heck of a difference in happiness already. 

I’ve always battled with my body. Never being the same as others, too tall, too overweight, not as pretty and petite as my other friends. I’ve been smaller than I am now and my gosh have I been bigger. I’ve had short hair, long hair, dark hair, blonde hair. I’ve never really had an issue with my face, especially if I’m wearing a smile but My weight has always been my struggle. It’s been worse since I lost a few stone as I’ve now become a little obsessed. Constantly worrying about what I’m putting in my mouth but eating it anyway and then complaining and feeling guilty afterwards. I often have flings with chocolate. Binge flings. It’s just been Christmas so it’s been a pretty intense fling this time so I must admit at the moment I’m on a guilt trip and I am giving myself some hefty beating up about it and this is when it all goes wrong. This is where I get annoyed at myself for not having more confidence as I know for the next few weeks I am going to struggle to love myself. 

BUT, I want to end this post on a positive. This is a journey that I shall no doubt be on for the rest of my life. The battle within my soul. Something or maybe even someone caused this battle and being the warrior that I am I have finally found the correct armour to face it. In the last 2 years of my life I have realised that life isn’t about the way you look, or the materialistic life you lead. It isn’t about having the right car or the expensive shoes, or the pretty face and the smallest waist. It’s about love and respect and enjoyment and living the life you can with what you have. Embracing every flaw, everything that makes you different and show the world that actually being different is fun. I’ve realised that it’s actually 500 times better to be different, be quirky, be whatever the fuck you want to be. Because otherwise you will stand in that crowd looking like every other mofo and you will never be noticed. Be crazy and be wild and show the world who you are. Dare to be different. Because if you look closely enough, in a crowd of 99 clones and 1 individual there is only going to be one person who stands out. 


So tonight I’m going to practice my gratitude and give thanks to all that I was given. Hips to keep my babies comfortable, legs to help me reach the top shelf and a wild personality to keep me sane! 

Goodnight world and god bless. 

C xxx

When something is missing…

I’ve just completed Date 4 with Pokemon (I’m not sure why I’m calling him Pokemon anymore but we’ll carry on with that one).
So yeh..Date 4!!!! To be honest it feels more like Date 20 as it feels like I never didn’t know him. I stayed last night but the deed still wasn’t done. I used the excuse of a lack of waxing, which wasn’t really an excuse. It is getting a bit foresty down there (The joys of working in a  busy salon – there is never enough time to fit your own appointments in) and I just wouldn’t put him through that. But I don’t think I could do it with him anyway. No offence to him.. keep reading and you’ll understand why.

I hear you ask how did I get to date 4? Last time I posted I’d maybe only just completed date 1? So we went for dinner for date 2 and whilst out for dinner we discussed Longleat safari park which is about an hour away from home but I’d never been, so he offered to take me. And there we have it..Date 3; A week later, we went for a day out at a safari park. It was so much fun, his company is on point, his banter is perfect. He made me a bacon sandwich for the trip there, that is most certainly a way in to this girls heart. He’s very touchy feely (which I’d probably love if it was the right person), he’s not at all clingy which scores him massive points, but something is missing and this makes me sad. If you were to ask me if I liked him then I’d say Definitely. If you asked me if I wanted to be with him then I’d say No.
I can’t quite get a grip onto what it is that’s missing, or if it is just that I’m not attracted to him. Maybe it’s his weight (or lack of), maybe it’s his height (again, or lack of). I don’t know but I know it’s maybe time to let him know how I’m feeling 😦

I was going to tell him before date 3 but I really wanted to spend the day with him. Then I was going to tell him after date 3 but I realized one night that I really wanted to see him so I guessed maybe there were more feelings and maybe I needed to just go with the flow, its only date 3 after all. But now we’re heading on to date 5, I’ve stayed the night, we’ve discussed personal stuff. I want to stay friends but I’m sure he doesn’t need anymore friends.
So this week is the week to break the silence and discuss how I’m feeling. Wish me luck :-/

C xxx

 

It’s been a while

A quick update into what’s been going on in my world since I last posted properly.

Works been sucky. I’ve been yucky. I can’t stop eating. My waistline won’t stop growing. And if I could lock myself away in a retreat with just myself for a week then my god I’d be there in a second.
On a more positive note I’ve been on a date with someone new and I’ve got another lined up for tomorrow (again with someone new). So it’s not all bad.
Everything I’m asking for recently is being sent to me by the Universe (so I’m going to repeat the retreat wish *hands forming praying position*) My belief in Law of Attraction is growing and once you start believing then they say that’s when it all starts. But I’ll move on to that on another day.

Mr Interview is off the scene. Well he was for about 3 weeks anyway. When I told myself that if he was even the slightest bit interested then I would have heard from him so why bother. But then that was until I drank rum, and sambuca and maybe also the odd glass of whisky which even after 5 hours sleep gave me some fierce confidence when I woke up the next morning and decided to send an 8.30am drunk text. Good thing was that he would never have guessed I was drunk (but maybe it would have been better if he had). Anyway, I basically asked if he was ever taking me out. He apologized, said he was busy and then asked me if I was after a date or sex. After I said date I never got a reply.
But another thing that’s happened over the last few weeks of being AWOL on here is that I realized I don’t want a FWB like I said I did. I may be horny as fuck (excuse the language but I needed to emphasize the issue as it’s been a while since I was even close), but I don’t want to try something that will make me feel rubbish for days after. I guess it’ll be even more amazing if I’m sexually frustrated and then do it with someone I’m genuinely into on a different level than just physical attraction. Let’s see if I can stick to my words…

Ok, new guy. FIT guy. 6ft 6.. Big arms, big chest, tattoo’s, full head of hair, good pictures, good text conversation, good job, good phone voice.. see where I’m going here?…
WRONG!!!! If there was anything that this date taught me it was to not take anything on face value because this man may have been lovely to look at but he was not good company.
It wasn’t a date, it was coffee to see if we got on and if we did then there would be a date. 10 minutes before we were due to meet he asks if we could go to the pub instead as his football team were winning and he wanted to watch it on the telly. Bare in mind that we live a few streets apart but I know the area so much better than him and the pub he’d suggested would have been bottom of my list. I said no, we’ll just meet after the match. He said no, lets go back to original venue. I said no, lets watch football. See you in 10 minutes! He arrived, but coincidentally needed the loo as soon as we’d got to the bar so I bought the drinks. Valuable points lost in half an hour.
We chatted, he kept touching my arm, asked me lots of questions about myself and if I’m honest he genuinely seemed interested. Football finished, he insisted on taking me for the coffee he’d promised me. And he paid.. Good boy! We had a laugh but something about him wasn’t right. He just seemed odd, so laid back he was almost horizontal and actually quite negative about every subject we spoke about. He did give me an amazing hug when we said goodbye and I got a text later that day to say Thanks for a good afternoon etc but I think he’d lost me by now and my responses weren’t as enthusiastic as prior to meeting him. It’s a shame as I could definitely imagine laying naked in a bed with him.

So tomorrow is another day and another date. This one will be named Pokemon. He’s a Tinder guy. Shorter than I’d like but persistent enough to impress me and good humor too so we’ll give it a go.

C xxxx

Quote Challenge Day 1 – “Good Karma”

Many thanks to Patricia Cox (Click here for her wonderful blog) for nominating me with this challenge. I’m new to writing and blogging so it’s always a confidence boost when other bloggers notice and give lovely feedback.

Day 1’s Quote is about  Karma and I am whole heartedly focusing on only the good kinds of karma.
The reason I’ve chosen to focus on this subject is because this world (and 2016) need a bit of a positive boost, people need some encouragement to be nice and basically just because good people make me happy!
A few days ago I had an expensive order shipped to me twice, I didn’t pay for it twice it was just a mess up at the office and I ended up with 2 of the same order. Too many people were pressuring me into keeping quiet and selling it on to make some money. Obviously I didn’t listen. Instead, I called the company, let them know what had happened and they arranged for one of the items to be collected the following morning. They were so very grateful that I’d done this and complimented me on my honesty as “You don’t find many like me anymore”. I didn’t expect them to behave with such shock but the fact they were so grateful made me feel great about myself. A few hours later I received an email from the young lady I’d spoken to. I’d explained when I spoke to her on the phone that I couldn’t be dishonest as I believe in karma and I have a friendship with the universe etc. The company had decided that as a thank you and to prove that my theory of good karma exists, they were sending me a box full of fantastic goodies. At the bottom of the email read…

karma2

You see the universe works like this.. What you send out, you get back. What you sow, you reap. What you give, you get. What you see in others, exists in you. Radiate and give love and it will come straight back to you.

So I’m going to nominate the following to join in on this challenge. Chosen because their blogs radiate good vibes and they’re part of the Universe’s tribe.

https://serpentguide.wordpress.com/ – I couldn’t stop reading this blog. It was like a book I couldn’t put down. 🙂

https://lizzygracewrites.com/ – Especially and the universe smiles post. It really did make me smile.

https://dailyinspirationandgratitude.com/ – Because he can teach you how to have a better day.

lots of love,
C xx

Dare to share

Today’s daily prompt is either a coincidence or a sign. Being the spiritual believer that I am, I’m taking it as a sign. Although most people will say it’s just a coincidence.

You’ve all learnt about Mr Interview, he’s a FWB kind of guy and I should never get into this situation thinking anything different. I’ve been meaning to share more about this man for a few days but I’ll admit.. I’ve been scared of people’s opinions and judgement. I know I’m anonymous but I grew up believing people should respect themselves and not be so easy to catch etc etc. It’s never got me anywhere and we all have needs don’t we? And I need this man. Hang on let me rephrase that, I don’t need a man but this man… I asked for him, they sent me him and now I have to make the most of the gift I’ve been given before it gets taken away. It’s called spiritual awareness.

So I’m braving it and I’m Daring to enter his world and also Daring to share it with this world.

We’ll start from the next chapter.. When the photo’s started. For a while it’s just been him sharing. He shares and he asks for my opinion always. Sometimes on what I think of him, sometimes on what I think of his hair, sometimes what I think of his body. But he’s always looking for compliments. Maybe he isn’t as confident as he makes out.
I finally played along and returned the favour, yet mine were more classy. Skin on show but nothing too personal. He complimented me but I didn’t need complimenting, maybe I’m more confident than I make out as I wouldn’t have sent the pic if I didnt think it looked good! Since then I’ve sent a few more discreet ones, then the last few have been more intimate and the other day I bared all (Excluding the face). He excites me, he keeps me on my toes and he’s so beautiful my ovaries hurt (A phrase my best friend uses all of time but I’ve never experienced the feeling until now. We’ve almost met on 3 occasions but each time something has got in the way, I’m starting to think he is all talk. By meet I mean, I’ll go to his, we’ll do the deed and then I’ll leave. I can’t emotionally engage with him, once oxytocin has released in my brain I need to scuttle because I do not need oxytocin to engage with this man in any way shape or form.

He’s also asked me my thoughts on open relationships and would I be willing to embark on something like this. My answer was No.. If I am in a relationship I don’t want to share him and so I asked him if he wouldn’t be atall worried that I’d catch feelings for the other guy.. His response was “You wouldn’t have time, I’d allow you to sleep with someone else if you found them attractive but you’d be straight back here to engage with me on an emotional level afterwards”. Mr Grey eat your heart out??!!

You can all cast your judgement on me, but we are living in a generation of fun-loving youngsters where behaviour that your grandparents would turn in their graves over has become acceptable. The girls are behaving like the guys, which to me isn’t a bad thing but the girls are still being scrutinised for this and the guys are still being high-fived for the same behaviour. Things need to change. Life has changed and as much as I want respect I also want to be given the chance to respect them back. It’s called balance. As long as we set the boundaries and the rules at the beginning then the level of respect towards each other is equal.

C xx

People watching 

One of my favourite pastimes is people watching. Whether it’s sitting in a coffee shop (which is where I am now), or sitting in traffic or in a crowded park. There is just something fascinating about watching other people. I like to make up stories in my head about their lives and what they’re doing. Are they on a date? Are they work colleagues? Are they having a affair and he’s meeting his Mrs Jones for their thing that they got going on (one of my favourite songs ever by the way).

I’m currently sharing this coffee shop moment with the following (and remember this is head thoughts so please don’t be spreading rumours) :-

Ronda and Keith – Husband and wife.. Married for centuries. He’s just found technology, she’s just found peace and quiet. Wouldn’t know what to do without each other but have ran out of conversation.

Danny and his Mother and Daughter – It’s a daddy and daughter day. I reckon he’s a single father. He’s got a coffee date with his mother so she can still keep in contact with her precious granddaughter that her ex daughter in law doesn’t want her to see.

Emma and Sean – They are definitely on a date!! Instinct is kicking in here. Maybe a 2nd or 3rd date as they seem to know each other a little already. She’s brought her baby with her, he’s trying to pretend he isn’t scared of it (I can’t work out if its a boy or a girl sorry). They don’t suit in the slightest. He’s a handsome mixed race sporty guy and she’s a plain Jane kind of girl but he’s definitely into her. I like this love story.

The corporate team meeting – These are actually sat on the table next to me so I’m enjoying earwigging. I’m a woman, I can multitask. So there is 1 man (he’s the boss), and 2 women. The women are complaining about another female member of the team. It all sounds silly to me so god knows what it sounds like to him. He’s looking at me more than he’s listening to them anyway. It might be because I look great today but it could also be that he knows he’s my inspiration today.

There’s many more people to watch here, out of control children being chased by their frustrated mothers, friends complaining about their husbands and workmen reading the latest newspapers but I’m pretty sure page 3 doesn’t take that long to read. Lastly their is a girl in the corner, with a latte ( just like me), and a laptop and she’s scanning the place. She’s definitely another one of me, thinking the same as me and writing the same as me. She’s just grinned … She knows that she is the same as me. I nod my head to let her know I acknowledge this and we happily go back to writing about the world and the people as we see it.

Have a good day. Make it what you will.

C xx