I’m not sure I’m ready to get off..

Amble, a slow walk. Taking your time to smell the flowers, feel the leaves, hear nature, smell the fresh air. Don’t rush. Enjoy life. Because if you think about it, life itself goes by quite fast, so why do we rush it forward even more?! (I started writing this blog yesterday..when the daily prompt was Amble). But the sentence fits so I’m keeping it. 

I met Mr Interview the other evening. I know…a year in the making! I thought it was about time I just bit the bullet and went for it. I hadn’t spoken to him in maybe 4 months and just like that he reappeared. Everywhere. In my head, on the phone and then in the street. His chat had changed this time, it was different, still mainly sex but speaking of holidays, the day, ourselves. He’s that good that he knew I wouldn’t have responded much if he hadn’t have changed his game. Silly me!! I knew exactly what would happen, why do you think I hadn’t met him. I’m not a strong person when it comes to relationships, casual or serious ones. I’m still trying to understand why I’m not strong and how I can be stronger. I put on a front but hey who am I fooling? Just myself. I’ve spent numerous hours, days and weeks working on liking myself, accepting my body and realising that my personality really outshines my flaws but something is obviously not fixed and I still need to realise what that is. 

So I went to his, we chatted and then we did the deed. I got right into it but maybe I didn’t put my all into it, which I should have done. Now at the time I thought I was shining, I’m always quite confident in bed, I like the lights on, I don’t worry about my body and I get involved. But something is telling me that something wasn’t right. This should spell out that maybe there was no spark but to me this spells out that he didn’t like my body, I wasn’t good enough in bed and he didn’t find me attractive. I’m worrying that he faked his orgasm, I’m worrying that he’s wishing he never wasted his time. My demons are running wild with me. Which is really fucking annoying as I know none of this is actually what’s happening in the real world. He walked me home after which probably didn’t help with the effect his charm and great looks has had on. There isn’t many men who would offer to walk you home safe..is there?? 

I think I expected too much even though I knew this is what would happen. I thought if we’d been talking for all this time then it would take a little more than an hour or so to chose to never speak to me again. (I say never again, he’s been polite enough to answer my texts). 

I’ve been on this Carousel now for well over a year, I was really enjoying it but now I’m starting to feel dizzy, I think I should get off but if I’m honest I don’t really want to. But do carousels do anything else but go round in circles and does this mean I’m ready to upgrade to the rollercoaster now instead..

Words of advice, kindness and feedback will help massively today. Comments on a postcard please xxx

Thanks pressers 

C xxx

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Dare to share

Today’s daily prompt is either a coincidence or a sign. Being the spiritual believer that I am, I’m taking it as a sign. Although most people will say it’s just a coincidence.

You’ve all learnt about Mr Interview, he’s a FWB kind of guy and I should never get into this situation thinking anything different. I’ve been meaning to share more about this man for a few days but I’ll admit.. I’ve been scared of people’s opinions and judgement. I know I’m anonymous but I grew up believing people should respect themselves and not be so easy to catch etc etc. It’s never got me anywhere and we all have needs don’t we? And I need this man. Hang on let me rephrase that, I don’t need a man but this man… I asked for him, they sent me him and now I have to make the most of the gift I’ve been given before it gets taken away. It’s called spiritual awareness.

So I’m braving it and I’m Daring to enter his world and also Daring to share it with this world.

We’ll start from the next chapter.. When the photo’s started. For a while it’s just been him sharing. He shares and he asks for my opinion always. Sometimes on what I think of him, sometimes on what I think of his hair, sometimes what I think of his body. But he’s always looking for compliments. Maybe he isn’t as confident as he makes out.
I finally played along and returned the favour, yet mine were more classy. Skin on show but nothing too personal. He complimented me but I didn’t need complimenting, maybe I’m more confident than I make out as I wouldn’t have sent the pic if I didnt think it looked good! Since then I’ve sent a few more discreet ones, then the last few have been more intimate and the other day I bared all (Excluding the face). He excites me, he keeps me on my toes and he’s so beautiful my ovaries hurt (A phrase my best friend uses all of time but I’ve never experienced the feeling until now. We’ve almost met on 3 occasions but each time something has got in the way, I’m starting to think he is all talk. By meet I mean, I’ll go to his, we’ll do the deed and then I’ll leave. I can’t emotionally engage with him, once oxytocin has released in my brain I need to scuttle because I do not need oxytocin to engage with this man in any way shape or form.

He’s also asked me my thoughts on open relationships and would I be willing to embark on something like this. My answer was No.. If I am in a relationship I don’t want to share him and so I asked him if he wouldn’t be atall worried that I’d catch feelings for the other guy.. His response was “You wouldn’t have time, I’d allow you to sleep with someone else if you found them attractive but you’d be straight back here to engage with me on an emotional level afterwards”. Mr Grey eat your heart out??!!

You can all cast your judgement on me, but we are living in a generation of fun-loving youngsters where behaviour that your grandparents would turn in their graves over has become acceptable. The girls are behaving like the guys, which to me isn’t a bad thing but the girls are still being scrutinised for this and the guys are still being high-fived for the same behaviour. Things need to change. Life has changed and as much as I want respect I also want to be given the chance to respect them back. It’s called balance. As long as we set the boundaries and the rules at the beginning then the level of respect towards each other is equal.

C xx

Just not that into you

It’s been 3 days since the date with Richie. We messaged briefly when we got home and also the following evening. He said he’d had a nice time and what had I thought of the night and also him. He also asked me what I’d told my friends etc. From those questions you’d think I was on to a winner. Unfortunately not. Tonight’s message was .. “You’re gorgeous, lots of fun and I had a great time but there wasn’t enough spark”. Basically he’s just not that into me. I feel better now that I know and I’m not just left hanging but don’t you just hate it when they have to tell you some positives before the big “Sorry but..”. It’s almost like they’re making themselves feel better by saying something nice and then they won’t feel as guilty about letting us down. It really annoys me. But on a more positive note..because he said those words I was instantly not disappointed. Surprisingly less disappointed about the whole situation as I thought I’d be. Plus.. Do I really want to date a workaholic??

At the end of the day I had a great night out, with a good guy and he paid for my dinner. Am I going to complain?? Not really.

But now I’ve had time to sit and think about this I see things more as positive. I have been taught by my wise mother that life is a test. We can be handed gifts from the universe as tests of appreciation and we can also be handed rubbish as tests of strength. If we pass the test we are handed better gifts, but if we fail we get handed another test. If we keep failing then we never get the gift.  I’ve come to live by this rule, as I’m sure you will learn in future writing.

So this, my fellow bloggers, was just a test. A test to show me that disappointment may arise within this big old dating world. But it’s just making way for the right one (because I know he is out there) to come along. It taught me that it’s exciting to meet guys and it’s ok to have butterflies and that I can open my heart if I really try.

But what it’s mainly taught me is that I know what I’m looking for and I’m ready for.

Bring on the boys..

Cxx

A Date with a Wealthy Giant. Pt 1.

I’ve got a date tonight. I haven’t yet introduced Richie Rich to you so I need to do this before I run home later and tell you about my evening with him.

Yes, he’s another app man, I think all my men are going to be app men if I’m honest so should I bother telling you that bit from now on?? This time Tinder. Even though I very rarely “like” anyone on these apps, I can definitely say I’m less obliged to swipe right on Tinder. I’ve not had the best of luck with this app, the usual messages I get are “Hi”, “U ok?” and I even got asked if I wanted to sit on someones face once. He let himself down there though as he didn’t even tell me his name. Bad move.

All I needed to see on Richie’s profile was 6ft 6 and my finger uncontrollably swiped right without my brain having a conversation with my eyes. It then went one step further and took it upon itself to write a message full of banter and pressing send (As you can see I’m not afraid of sending the first message). He replied within what seemed like 30 seconds. Not sure if that’s being too keen or what?? Our conversation was ok and within a few days he asked me out for a drink. At this point I usually would have panicked but luckily for me I’m challenging myself this month to just drinking water so I had a brilliant excuse to say “Sorry, I can’t”. So, then he offers that we go for a walk somewhere nice. Hmm, Should I go for walks with strangers?? (Do you see what I do.. two brilliant excuses already). Do I just want a text relationship, would that suffice do you think?? We’ll just get married over the phone y’know, easy. Isn’t that what happens on Catfish??
Anyway, back to the subject. I actually found it quite charming that he would think of something different to do so we don’t have to sit in a pub and drink water. Points awarded to you Richie. A few weeks go by and our schedules just haven’t allowed us to meet for this walk and so he texts and tells me he’s taking me to dinner so I need to pick a day and a venue.

Richie is quite clearly very tall. He’s a tradesman, works within the family business (which he’ll soon be fully taking over) blowing up buildings or something like that. He also saves the occassional family of bats which live in the roofs of the houses he demolishes and he likes circuits (Where you run around a room or a field doing different exercises for an hour or so). He’s got a garden the size of my street and his brother has just moved to Australia which he is very upset about (Me too! But mines more jealousy) so he’s shown he’s quite sensitive too (not a trait I’m overly keen on being shown before we’ve met) but he has interesting conversation which I’m very much a fan of.

Here is my dilemma, because we’ve taken so long to meet, this has given me ample opportunity to ninja stalk the guy. I’ve now worked out that I’m not overly attracted to him (in his photo’s anyway), he’s got a big nose, a receding hairline and it looks as though he only broke up from a long-term loving relationship last month!!! Oh, and he’s wealthy, quite wealthy from what I can tell and now I’m going out for dinner with him. To a standard italian restaurant and I can only drink water. Nothing else to calm the nerves, not a glass of wine or a shot of Vodka or anything.
I haven’t got the worst bristolian accent but it’s there, I have manners but absolutely no etiquette and what if I drop sauce all over me (because that always happens). He wants to meet me somewhere for a drink before but I can’t really go in to a bar and ask for “tap water please”. I’m trying not to think about all of these little things, the nerves will pass after 5 seconds of meeting him and I’ve done this before. It’s easy! Eeeeh, Perhaps it’s not nerves, perhaps I’m actually sick. I mean I couldn’t possibly pass it on to him, should I cancel??

No C, You can do this. It’s easy.

Wish me luck,
Ciao,
C xx

 

How confident are we really?

I am the life and soul of every party. I ooze confidence, I’ve been told this by many people. For some reason they wish they could be confident like me. This is a difficult one as I really don’t see myself as confident, I don’t see what others see. But I’m not false, I don’t pretend to be someone different. What you see is definitely what you get.

But do they see what I see when I look in the mirror, do they see the thoughts that occur in my headspace, do they see that sometimes I just want to be like society says and when I say I’m glad I’m a little different can they tell that I’m not overly sure if that’s the truth.

You see, I may be outgoing and talkative and I may be the life and soul of the party and many people may want to be like me but I honestly don’t know why. I enjoy trying to improve my self-esteem, its much higher than it used to be and most days I am happy with whats in front of the mirror but it wasn’t always like this and I can promise you that I do always find a fault with myself. I question daily if that’s why I’ve been single for as long as I have..Am I just a good time girl??

If you’ve read some of my first posts you would already know that I started puberty very early and it happened very fast. Periods and pubic hair by the time I was 9. Boobs, Bum and Hips by the age of 12. I grew at a rapid rate meaning I was scarred by stretch marks since the age of 14 or 15. I was taller than everyone else by what felt like the size of the tallest tree and I don’t even want to start on the fact that I don’t ever remember a day where I was skinny. There’s a photo of when I was about 5 that proved that once upon a time I was but I don’t remember. Oh and to top it all off I smashed my gum when my adult tooth was growing through meaning I’ve gone through life with an ugly marked tooth. So to say that I don’t feel like your standard society girl would be a understatment.

Saying that, I don’t think I am ugly. I don’t think I’m fat and my height has actually grown on me (excuse the pun). I’m average, I’ve got pretty eyes. I’ve got beautiful hair, my curves will rock it for the right man and my personality shines for miles. And 90% of the time I hate society anyway!

But please excuse me if I don’t believe you when you tell me I’m stunning, and when you tell me I don’t look fat and when you tell me my outfit is gorgeous and that I have a pretty smile. I’ll thank you and I’ll take your compliment and I’ll feel good about myself but I’ll never be what society says I should be and sometimes, just sometimes I might want to experience what that feels like.

From the bottom of my heart.
Beautiful C xx

 

Attacked by Panic

Slipping away from the usual chatter. To something quite close to my heart. If you can read through my waffling then you’ll make it to the important bit.

Did you know that we are only born with two fears? The fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. We learn all other fears by the things we have watched throughout our lives. Whether it be caused by something that has happened to us, or something we’ve dreamt etc.
My ex told me this while I was running away from a spider one day. He was always full of interesting useless information. But I can remember stopping and thinking about this one. I thought about the fears I have and how they could have come about.
Wasps – Ugly things. I’ve often wondered if they’re jealous of their fellow buzzing insects and maybe this is why they’re so angry. Let’s face it, Bumble Bee’s are pretty damn cute, and they don’t want to hurt you if they don’t have to. But wasps.. No no, Wasps are out to get us. We’ve upset too many and now they want revenge. I was stung a few times as a child. For anyone who has been stung by a wasp then you’ll understand why I’m so angry at them. They always win a war with me. I hide my eyes (So I can’t see them), I scream and sometimes I even run. But they will always win. Every bloody time.
Spiders – The standard fear. I’m pleased to say that this fear is slowly leaving. After my time in Australia where I was constantly on Spider watch but never actually saw one (surprisingly disappointed), I came to the realisation that if I can live in Australia and survive the spiders then I’m pretty sure I’ll be safe in the UK. This isn’t to say I want to share a bedroom with one though, or a bed for that matter. Anyway, this fear most definitely developed through my childhood whilst watching mum get locked out of a room one day when dad was out. The spider was in control and he sent us to our room until dad returned to save the day!

But my biggest fear.. being around sick people. Whether its a cold or Flu, or sickness bugs, or depression etc. I try so hard, I try to be sympathetic and help in whatever way I can, I can hide how I’m feeling quite well but the anxiety and panic that builds up inside of me is unreal. Sometimes I feel guilty for this and I’m sure no one really understands. I guess I just seem heartless and unsympathetic. Selfish because “it’ll be different when I’m sick”.

I was 7 when my mum first got diagnosed with having a Nervous breakdown. I remember the days leading up to this like it happened yesterday. I can detail every point which screamed “Nervous Breakdown!!” The crazy car journey, the shouting, the panic attacks, the crying. But I was 7. I had no idea what was going on. Mum was behaving weird, mum was crying, mum slept all the time, I wasn’t allowed to see mum because “She’s with the doctor”. I don’t remember the emotions I felt. And I can only really remember the first day. I refused to go to school, probably because I didn’t understand what was happening and why we weren’t allowed to see her that morning. But I do remember that it lasted a long time. I remember the tablets she took for the next 20 years. I remember how ill she looked, and her refusing to answer the phone. Probably all small things to you, but big things to us. But when did mum become so scared of life? I know her story. I know she had to be strong when she was younger.  We talk, we share things. What with her past and then both her parents dying within a small period of time, my dad becoming ill and his diabetes putting him in hospital and then my brother having surgery on his arm for an extremely bad break its no wonder this happened.

If you met her then you’d never guess that she has this. She got better, she controlled it but it’s depression and depression doesn’t just go away.
So, next time when someone close by is panicking because their fear has over taken a second of their life. Don’t laugh, don’t make things worse, don’t tell them not to be so silly. Just remember, you don’t know their story. And maybe your fear is just as silly as theirs is.

Stay calm, and peace out.
C xx