I’m not sure I’m ready to get off..

Amble, a slow walk. Taking your time to smell the flowers, feel the leaves, hear nature, smell the fresh air. Don’t rush. Enjoy life. Because if you think about it, life itself goes by quite fast, so why do we rush it forward even more?! (I started writing this blog yesterday..when the daily prompt was Amble). But the sentence fits so I’m keeping it. 

I met Mr Interview the other evening. I know…a year in the making! I thought it was about time I just bit the bullet and went for it. I hadn’t spoken to him in maybe 4 months and just like that he reappeared. Everywhere. In my head, on the phone and then in the street. His chat had changed this time, it was different, still mainly sex but speaking of holidays, the day, ourselves. He’s that good that he knew I wouldn’t have responded much if he hadn’t have changed his game. Silly me!! I knew exactly what would happen, why do you think I hadn’t met him. I’m not a strong person when it comes to relationships, casual or serious ones. I’m still trying to understand why I’m not strong and how I can be stronger. I put on a front but hey who am I fooling? Just myself. I’ve spent numerous hours, days and weeks working on liking myself, accepting my body and realising that my personality really outshines my flaws but something is obviously not fixed and I still need to realise what that is. 

So I went to his, we chatted and then we did the deed. I got right into it but maybe I didn’t put my all into it, which I should have done. Now at the time I thought I was shining, I’m always quite confident in bed, I like the lights on, I don’t worry about my body and I get involved. But something is telling me that something wasn’t right. This should spell out that maybe there was no spark but to me this spells out that he didn’t like my body, I wasn’t good enough in bed and he didn’t find me attractive. I’m worrying that he faked his orgasm, I’m worrying that he’s wishing he never wasted his time. My demons are running wild with me. Which is really fucking annoying as I know none of this is actually what’s happening in the real world. He walked me home after which probably didn’t help with the effect his charm and great looks has had on. There isn’t many men who would offer to walk you home safe..is there?? 

I think I expected too much even though I knew this is what would happen. I thought if we’d been talking for all this time then it would take a little more than an hour or so to chose to never speak to me again. (I say never again, he’s been polite enough to answer my texts). 

I’ve been on this Carousel now for well over a year, I was really enjoying it but now I’m starting to feel dizzy, I think I should get off but if I’m honest I don’t really want to. But do carousels do anything else but go round in circles and does this mean I’m ready to upgrade to the rollercoaster now instead..

Words of advice, kindness and feedback will help massively today. Comments on a postcard please xxx

Thanks pressers 

C xxx

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I lost myself 

I haven’t posted for a few months. Actually more than a few months.

Something unfortunate happened to me. It’s still happening to me. But today is a bit of a “wake up” and I found the urge to write it down. For my own sanity more than anything.

I found someone. Someone who opened this heart more than anyone has done for quite some years. I haven’t fallen in love with him, to be honest I’m not even close. But I have developed a crazy amount of feelings for him and somehow have lost all of my power. The unfortunate thing is that.. He has a girlfriend!!!

It was never my intention to get this involved, although I probably should have questioned why I even decided to dive into conversations with him knowing he had a girlfriend. I knew him from school..kinda. I bumped into him in a bar, wanted a photo, sent the photo to myself from his phone and so it began. I laid the law down from the start, I put him back in his box whenever he needed to go back in. I owned the power. But he owned the charm, which is what’s got me into this mess! When you tell someone that something isn’t going to happen, you have to stick to that, don’t fall for any bull shit that leaves their mouth, as much as it makes you feel special. DO NOT GIVE IN! It wasn’t long before he’d convinced me to go for innocent lunch. It was innocent, apart from the fact that I got butterflies and it was probably better than any proper date I’d been on for a while. He told me for the 7000th time that he isn’t usually like this and he doesn’t talk to other girls etc etc. To be honest, my gut told me to believe that part. As much as that sounds ridiculous. My head however questioned the gut and it all got very confusing.

To cut a long story short, we’ve seen each other a few times and they’ve not all been innocent. I’ve told him numerous times that I can’t do this and I can’t hurt her or myself. I mean he’s ok isn’t he, he’ll win whichever way. I’ve lost the power of the situation and he knows this. He no longer tries to charm me (probably because he doesn’t need to anymore) and he is never first to suggest to see me. I understand that he has to be careful but FYI young man.. there is only so much power this girl will let you have. And today, I’m taking it back.

Today I was supposed to see him, again because I asked if I could. But I wanted to see how much he wanted to see me so I passed the ball to him to ask me in a few days. He didn’t. When I reminded him of the plans he said he thought I wasn’t interested as I hadn’t mentioned it again. Anyone else calling bullshit on this?? So I cancelled the later plans and I think it’s pretty obvious to him that I’m done with it. Today I’m pissed off, so it’s easier to gain the control of myself back. But I am concerned that I will lose it again when all is forgiven in a few days.

To him.. I really hope you don’t do this often. More so for all of the trust you’re taking away from people.

To his girlfriend… I’m very sorry. I didn’t try hard enough to keep him away.

To myself… You know the answers to the questions. Find yourself again and remember you’re worth more.

Don’t let a bad guy change a very good soul.

C xx

When you lose your rule book

It occurred to me a few days ago that I’d become the single girl suddenly following the rule book. Something which I now need to make quite a large point about. I’m not sure who came up with the rules for dating, probably a man. But be sure to know that the rules only apply to us Ladies. Haha! Of course it was a man!!! Watch out lads, give it 10 years and we really will be ruling the world! 

I’ve never been a follower of rules, I’ve always enjoyed doing the opposite, that’ll be the Leo in me. Classic Leo sign to not like being told what to do by others. I was first single as an adult at age 24 and a half! Before that I had never experienced a part of adulthood without having to explain or feel bad or whatever other pressures get put on you when you’re in a long term relationship. So I was quite an oldie to start the whole have fun and enjoy my youth experience. But I decided I was definitely going to take advantage of the young single girl in her twenties and the rule book had been chucked so deep in a box in the loft under lots of dust and antiques that I had no idea what I should and shouldn’t be doing anyway and the best way to find way was to find it myself, not read what I shouldn’t do. But I reckon rule number 1 would most certainly be Don’t stay single for a long period of time. The longer you stay single, the more explaining you have to give to future prospects. They assume you’re a bit psychotic because obviously being a girl you wouldn’t possibly chose to stay on your own for this long. Something must be wrong and the only guess is that you can’t hold a bloke down so what have you been doing wrong? In my case this couldn’t be further from the truth but I don’t even get asked my reasons.. it’s written there in black and white. 

Single for 7 years. Crazy. Do not approach or approach with caution. 

Another example of a popular rule is to Be careful what clothes you chose to wear. I used to wear the more revealing of tops, something with a low neckline or maybe something with a baggy cleavage. I think I was about 2 years in to being single and guys were still not my priority. I had plenty of male friends who used to joke about my boobs and perhaps I should put them away but I saw it as harmless fun. I wasn’t in the slightest bit offended or flattered. But one day I was enjoying a drink with my friend when suddenly some guys came to chat us up. I wasn’t interested so without being rude I turned away and carried on my conversation with my friend. They carried on talking to us and one of them kept calling me sugar tits. I kindly asked him to stop making the comment and his response was “You shouldn’t wear such revealing clothes if you don’t want people to look”. Now maybe this one is debatable but excuse me for wearing a top I really like just in case I lead you on in any way! Piss off grandad!..oh which must lead me to the next..

Don’t swear, and be quiet. I rarely swear anyway, so this isn’t a thing. I completely agree that it’s not nice to hear ladies swear but it doesn’t necessarily mean that they aren’t dateable. One of my best friends swears like a trooper but if I was a guy I’d marry her! She’s one of the best. However, I am loud. Especially with a drink down me and I can most definitely stand up for myself mister so never try and get the better of me. 

There are plenty more things that we have to consider when deciding to date on a more serious level (which is where I am right now). But the most common rule myth, and I’m calling it a myth as I hope one day this will be absolute bullshit and girls will be able to have just as much fun as the boys do without getting a name for themselves. 

Don’t sleep with someone on the first date. Don’t sleep with someone on the second date. Don’t sleep with anyone. Stay a virgin until you are married.. this one frustrates me, can you tell??! Fortunately for me I spent rather a few years really not interested in meeting anyone so this rule was rubbish! Dare uou break this rule if you are looking for something a little more serious though as this will clearly show that you have absolutely no respect for yourselves. You don’t like yourself and you are desperate to be loved. Just some of the opinions I’ve heard. This is the one that has trapped me for quite some time. This is the only rule I followed because these are some of the things I don’t want people to think about me. I don’t want to be known as easy or that I don’t respect myself or I’m the local bike. But that’s some of the things you are willing to be called if you break this rule. Stand your ground and if you truly want to do it for the fun factor then bloody well do it! 

I’ve never slept around. I’ve made mistakes, we all have. I’ve had one night stands, I’ve got drunk and slept with friends that I wouldn’t even think about sleeping with when sober. But none of them have been because I didn’t respect myself. Still I seem to have gathered a little fear of doing anything sexual with anyone because people say I shouldn’t. But that’s not what I wanted. I’m single, let me have the fun I want to have without judgement. Let me do it while I can. Whilst Im sat here worrying about what Society says I should and shouldn’t do, I’ve forgotten how to be myself. I’m concentrating so much on being the good girl that the bad girl that I really want to be sometimes is hiding under a rock wondering if it’s ok to come out and play. I’ll do what I want to do thank you. It doesn’t mean that you have to do the same but it also doesn’t mean that I don’t respect myself. So this weekend that’s exactly what I did! And I bloody loved every second. I let my hair down, I reminded myself how great I was in bed and I enjoyed being single for just a few hours. 

So from now on instead of going in to dates thinking about all of the things I “shouldn’t” be doing, I’ll put that wall down and I’ll remember to be me. That’s the only way I’ll ever find the real love I’m searching for.

Happy shagging! 

C xx

A naked New Year 

Dates 5 & 6 with Pokemon have happened. I can’t believe I’ve gone through that many dates with the same guy. What an achievement. I suppose I get to write about him as a regular now instead of just another date. Maybe that’s because at 2.30am on New Years Day we were sharing a bed, naked. Yes. It happened! 

So date 5 was just another night out. I should have saw him in the daytime but unfortunately I had a few turn of events which stopped this happening. Due to these unfortunate events, a very large glass of wine was needed which then led to a few double rums which then led to me talking very openly about sex. We had a very intimate conversation in the middle of a bar about why I hadn’t yet slept with him and him admitting he thought something was wrong. Date 5 really isn’t that late to be getting intimate though is it?? We left it at that as the time had ran away from me but I discovered that night what I liked about him. We didn’t just talk about sex, we also talked about how he puts no pressure on me with anything (including reply straight away or arranging anther date so quick) and about why I’ve ended up seeing him more than I thought I would. It was a very tell tale sign that maybe I like him more than I make out. It’s hard, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and I’m worried that at the moment I like him but in a few weeks he’d have fallen for me then I’m going to change my mind and hurt him. I don’t think he’s my forever man. I just don’t get the butterflies I want to get for someone I’m falling for and I definitely don’t want to be leading him on. 

The deed was then done at a rough estimate of 2.30am New Years Day. I’m going to remember this as I did question if I should be starting the New Year like this. Start as you mean to go on etc. But I enjoyed it. Not in a Passionate, take me now kind of way. More of a I’m glad I waited kind of way. I’m going to do it again, and probably again but I can’t say at the moment if I’ll still be writing about this guy in 6 months time. And if I am, then it’ll no doubt be because he’s become a bloody good friend. 

Happy New Year to you all. I hope 2017 is filled with Love. 

C xx

When something is missing…

I’ve just completed Date 4 with Pokemon (I’m not sure why I’m calling him Pokemon anymore but we’ll carry on with that one).
So yeh..Date 4!!!! To be honest it feels more like Date 20 as it feels like I never didn’t know him. I stayed last night but the deed still wasn’t done. I used the excuse of a lack of waxing, which wasn’t really an excuse. It is getting a bit foresty down there (The joys of working in a  busy salon – there is never enough time to fit your own appointments in) and I just wouldn’t put him through that. But I don’t think I could do it with him anyway. No offence to him.. keep reading and you’ll understand why.

I hear you ask how did I get to date 4? Last time I posted I’d maybe only just completed date 1? So we went for dinner for date 2 and whilst out for dinner we discussed Longleat safari park which is about an hour away from home but I’d never been, so he offered to take me. And there we have it..Date 3; A week later, we went for a day out at a safari park. It was so much fun, his company is on point, his banter is perfect. He made me a bacon sandwich for the trip there, that is most certainly a way in to this girls heart. He’s very touchy feely (which I’d probably love if it was the right person), he’s not at all clingy which scores him massive points, but something is missing and this makes me sad. If you were to ask me if I liked him then I’d say Definitely. If you asked me if I wanted to be with him then I’d say No.
I can’t quite get a grip onto what it is that’s missing, or if it is just that I’m not attracted to him. Maybe it’s his weight (or lack of), maybe it’s his height (again, or lack of). I don’t know but I know it’s maybe time to let him know how I’m feeling 😦

I was going to tell him before date 3 but I really wanted to spend the day with him. Then I was going to tell him after date 3 but I realized one night that I really wanted to see him so I guessed maybe there were more feelings and maybe I needed to just go with the flow, its only date 3 after all. But now we’re heading on to date 5, I’ve stayed the night, we’ve discussed personal stuff. I want to stay friends but I’m sure he doesn’t need anymore friends.
So this week is the week to break the silence and discuss how I’m feeling. Wish me luck :-/

C xxx

 

Date 2 day

Its D2 day today with Pokemon. Date 1 was really good so I’m actually really looking forward to seeing him but I’m not quite sure I’ll agree to a 3rd date.

Tuesday was fun, we went for a drink but I was actually finding the conversation more difficult than usual. Not sure why as I’m usually pretty good at asking questions and getting a conversation started but this time it was really hard. He was good though and it didn’t go silent for too long.
It didn’t take us long to realize that there was a speed dating event going on above us and as the walls in this bar were glass it was easy to watch and laugh at the situations. At one point we were even considering joining for an extra laugh. Dave and Sheila were loving each other, if they didn’t tick each others boxes at the end of the night then I’ve lost faith in what “Fireworks” is!

Some interesting facts about Pokemon:
1. He organised and produced Guy Richie’s wedding.. Like Whaaa??? I had to try to pretend I wasn’t completely amazed by this. Keep cool etc. “Did you just say David Beckham attended.. Like the real David Beckham??? Oh right, okay, cool.”
2. He snowboards (and I think he’s pretty good at it)
3. He spent a season in the Alps (I think he said Alps). Which means he likes to explore and travel. Points earned.

A few hours later we moved on to another bar. Or I should say ran to another bar. The guy doesn’t know what casual stroll means. England were playing footie so we sat and watched that. Which is when he started cuddling me, I wasn’t sure if he was drunk at this point or just too touchy feely but as I’m trying new things I accepted it. I think maybe deep down he knew I wasn’t overly comfortable. I’m not a clingy person and sometimes I can feel a bit suffocated if it’s too much too soon.
We started playing the staring game, maybe  this was his way of seeing if he could kiss me (that’s still to come). I lost every time, which gave him more excuses to laugh and cuddle me tighter.
We decided to head home, his arm around me the whole walk back to the car. I didn’t remove it (again, trying the new thing). Seeing as it was raining and I felt comfortable enough around him I offered him a lift. This is when he kissed me. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t the best kiss. In fact it wasn’t really a kiss I’d ask for again. But again, trying something new and all that. It was only a few hours until I received a text asking if he could see me again.

Today we’re going for a Mexican and I’m trying to just go and enjoy myself rather than reading too much into it. It’s just a 2nd date, it doesn’t matter if I already know he isn’t the one.. does it??!

But FYI – I am kind of excited.

C xxx

I think my Heart Chakra is fixed :)

As I’ve mentioned in numerous previous posts I’m quite a spiritual being. Mum is a very spiritual being and apparently I’m much like her and maybe even more powerful but I don’t believe I’ll ever be as powerful as her. But I believe in reiki and I know it worked for me and still does work for me when I need it. But each time I’ve been told that my heart chakra is closed, and each time I’ve had it re-opened. Sometimes, I’ll return a few days later and it’s already closed back up. It’s a bit like a swing door. Open, close, open, close but always eventually closes completely.
When I returned home I thought I was doing really well and that my heart chakra was open and shining and ready for love.. but then I went for some reiki and my master told me it was closed. I was so angry at myself! I thought I’d jumped over a massive fence by allowing people in and then I find out that I wasn’t! But she worked her magic and opened me up again.. Well last night’s date proved this.

He was lovely. The date was lovely. He made me laugh ALOT. He made me feel at ease. He put his arm around me. He even held my hand at one point. He kissed me. I kissed back. I didn’t get butterflies.
I’m not sure he’s my Mr Right but he’s worth a second date and he’s getting one on Sunday!

To be Cont….

C xx