I’m not sure I’m ready to get off..

Amble, a slow walk. Taking your time to smell the flowers, feel the leaves, hear nature, smell the fresh air. Don’t rush. Enjoy life. Because if you think about it, life itself goes by quite fast, so why do we rush it forward even more?! (I started writing this blog yesterday..when the daily prompt was Amble). But the sentence fits so I’m keeping it. 

I met Mr Interview the other evening. I know…a year in the making! I thought it was about time I just bit the bullet and went for it. I hadn’t spoken to him in maybe 4 months and just like that he reappeared. Everywhere. In my head, on the phone and then in the street. His chat had changed this time, it was different, still mainly sex but speaking of holidays, the day, ourselves. He’s that good that he knew I wouldn’t have responded much if he hadn’t have changed his game. Silly me!! I knew exactly what would happen, why do you think I hadn’t met him. I’m not a strong person when it comes to relationships, casual or serious ones. I’m still trying to understand why I’m not strong and how I can be stronger. I put on a front but hey who am I fooling? Just myself. I’ve spent numerous hours, days and weeks working on liking myself, accepting my body and realising that my personality really outshines my flaws but something is obviously not fixed and I still need to realise what that is. 

So I went to his, we chatted and then we did the deed. I got right into it but maybe I didn’t put my all into it, which I should have done. Now at the time I thought I was shining, I’m always quite confident in bed, I like the lights on, I don’t worry about my body and I get involved. But something is telling me that something wasn’t right. This should spell out that maybe there was no spark but to me this spells out that he didn’t like my body, I wasn’t good enough in bed and he didn’t find me attractive. I’m worrying that he faked his orgasm, I’m worrying that he’s wishing he never wasted his time. My demons are running wild with me. Which is really fucking annoying as I know none of this is actually what’s happening in the real world. He walked me home after which probably didn’t help with the effect his charm and great looks has had on. There isn’t many men who would offer to walk you home safe..is there?? 

I think I expected too much even though I knew this is what would happen. I thought if we’d been talking for all this time then it would take a little more than an hour or so to chose to never speak to me again. (I say never again, he’s been polite enough to answer my texts). 

I’ve been on this Carousel now for well over a year, I was really enjoying it but now I’m starting to feel dizzy, I think I should get off but if I’m honest I don’t really want to. But do carousels do anything else but go round in circles and does this mean I’m ready to upgrade to the rollercoaster now instead..

Words of advice, kindness and feedback will help massively today. Comments on a postcard please xxx

Thanks pressers 

C xxx

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A letter to the girl behind the mask 

Dear Charlee, 

I wish sometimes you’d be more honest with yourself. It’s so easy to smile and get on with life but if you ever just stopped and looked around you’d see that all those things you try to hide from everyone isn’t actually hidden at all. People can see the vulnerable little girl that’s so desperate to get out and say so much, to love someone, to have someone love you. It isn’t a bad thing to be vulnerable y’know. It’s quite normal, everyone at some point in their lives will experience it and you should be proud that you’re able to experience such emotion. No one will think any less of you, if anything they’ll think much more of you. For being strong when for so long you’ve actually been incredibly weak. 

A lot of people love you. You know this. You are an exceptionally good human being with such a beautiful heart. You feel so strongly for those who are hurting and you will always put others first. So why is it so wrong for you to feel the same emotions as these people you are so keen to help. Do you judge those? No. So why judge yourself??

I hate it when you look in the mirror and tell yourself you aren’t worth it. You’re beautiful. I know you think everyone just says that to make you feel better but you really are. You’ve got a beautiful soul and it shines through out of your eyes. It’s hard to hide when you’re feeling down. Your eyes show it. Your eyes are showing it now. You aren’t yourself but you won’t be beaten and it’s so frustrating to watch you beat yourself up. 

You know that the universe is waiting to give you real love, you know how much the universe loves you and it’s not just going to send you any old piece of crap. You need the real thing, that unconditional feeling that not everyone gets to experience. You will, and you know he’s on his way. Just believe in yourself, you want a man who is going to look after you but who is going to put you in line when you need to be. He can’t do that whilst you are busy beating yourself up. He needs you at your best. 

Stop going back to the past. It was never always your fault. Life is full of ups and downs, lessons, teaching. Shit happens. You aren’t the only one it’s happened to and you sure as hell are lucky compared to some of the break ups and heart breaks I’ve seen. 

Darling, put yourself out there. Don’t be shy, or scared, or pretend to be that person you aren’t. Someone is going to fall so hard in love with you that you’ll understand why it took so long. He’s going to make you realise how amazing you are and he’s going to help you finally love yourself. It’s going to be wonderful. 


Get out there, swallow that pride and don’t give one hoot about what anyone thinks of you, anyone who looks down on you or who judges you. You give advice every day of your life so start following that advice yourself and practice what you preach. 

I love you. Forever. 

C xx

The battle with myself 

I’m adding a new subject to this blog… Weight loss. Getting fit. Being healthy. GAINING CONFIDENCE. 

Its true what they say “No one will love you until you love yourself.” If you don’t love yourself and have a healthy relationship with number one then you will always be searching for someone to help you. You’ll accept any love from any one and this often ends in ‘any one’ being the wrong one. I’ve been there far too many times. I don’t feel good about myself and some jerk offers me a compliment, I accept the compliment because he’s made me feel good. He charms the pants off of me, has his wicked way and leaves me feeling even worse than I did before I met him. This wouldn’t have been his fault, only mine. As I am the only one who can control these inner feelings. Now if I loved myself enough then the Jerk wouldn’t have come within a mile of me. 1) Because I wouldn’t have let him and 2) because he wouldn’t have been able to smell my vulnerability. My confidence would have been a lot stronger than his and I would have won the battle. 

What I’m trying to say is that when you love yourself you don’t need anyone else’s approval, your instinct is so strong that you’d be able to tell the Jerks from the good guys and you’d be an all round winner. It took me a very long time to find some confidence within this soul of mine. And even though I’m no where near where I want to be emotionally, I am way over half way there compared to a few years ago, and I can positively say that even within the small amount of confidence that I’ve gained I can see and feel one heck of a difference in happiness already. 

I’ve always battled with my body. Never being the same as others, too tall, too overweight, not as pretty and petite as my other friends. I’ve been smaller than I am now and my gosh have I been bigger. I’ve had short hair, long hair, dark hair, blonde hair. I’ve never really had an issue with my face, especially if I’m wearing a smile but My weight has always been my struggle. It’s been worse since I lost a few stone as I’ve now become a little obsessed. Constantly worrying about what I’m putting in my mouth but eating it anyway and then complaining and feeling guilty afterwards. I often have flings with chocolate. Binge flings. It’s just been Christmas so it’s been a pretty intense fling this time so I must admit at the moment I’m on a guilt trip and I am giving myself some hefty beating up about it and this is when it all goes wrong. This is where I get annoyed at myself for not having more confidence as I know for the next few weeks I am going to struggle to love myself. 

BUT, I want to end this post on a positive. This is a journey that I shall no doubt be on for the rest of my life. The battle within my soul. Something or maybe even someone caused this battle and being the warrior that I am I have finally found the correct armour to face it. In the last 2 years of my life I have realised that life isn’t about the way you look, or the materialistic life you lead. It isn’t about having the right car or the expensive shoes, or the pretty face and the smallest waist. It’s about love and respect and enjoyment and living the life you can with what you have. Embracing every flaw, everything that makes you different and show the world that actually being different is fun. I’ve realised that it’s actually 500 times better to be different, be quirky, be whatever the fuck you want to be. Because otherwise you will stand in that crowd looking like every other mofo and you will never be noticed. Be crazy and be wild and show the world who you are. Dare to be different. Because if you look closely enough, in a crowd of 99 clones and 1 individual there is only going to be one person who stands out. 


So tonight I’m going to practice my gratitude and give thanks to all that I was given. Hips to keep my babies comfortable, legs to help me reach the top shelf and a wild personality to keep me sane! 

Goodnight world and god bless. 

C xxx

When something is missing…

I’ve just completed Date 4 with Pokemon (I’m not sure why I’m calling him Pokemon anymore but we’ll carry on with that one).
So yeh..Date 4!!!! To be honest it feels more like Date 20 as it feels like I never didn’t know him. I stayed last night but the deed still wasn’t done. I used the excuse of a lack of waxing, which wasn’t really an excuse. It is getting a bit foresty down there (The joys of working in a  busy salon – there is never enough time to fit your own appointments in) and I just wouldn’t put him through that. But I don’t think I could do it with him anyway. No offence to him.. keep reading and you’ll understand why.

I hear you ask how did I get to date 4? Last time I posted I’d maybe only just completed date 1? So we went for dinner for date 2 and whilst out for dinner we discussed Longleat safari park which is about an hour away from home but I’d never been, so he offered to take me. And there we have it..Date 3; A week later, we went for a day out at a safari park. It was so much fun, his company is on point, his banter is perfect. He made me a bacon sandwich for the trip there, that is most certainly a way in to this girls heart. He’s very touchy feely (which I’d probably love if it was the right person), he’s not at all clingy which scores him massive points, but something is missing and this makes me sad. If you were to ask me if I liked him then I’d say Definitely. If you asked me if I wanted to be with him then I’d say No.
I can’t quite get a grip onto what it is that’s missing, or if it is just that I’m not attracted to him. Maybe it’s his weight (or lack of), maybe it’s his height (again, or lack of). I don’t know but I know it’s maybe time to let him know how I’m feeling 😦

I was going to tell him before date 3 but I really wanted to spend the day with him. Then I was going to tell him after date 3 but I realized one night that I really wanted to see him so I guessed maybe there were more feelings and maybe I needed to just go with the flow, its only date 3 after all. But now we’re heading on to date 5, I’ve stayed the night, we’ve discussed personal stuff. I want to stay friends but I’m sure he doesn’t need anymore friends.
So this week is the week to break the silence and discuss how I’m feeling. Wish me luck :-/

C xxx

 

It’s been a while

A quick update into what’s been going on in my world since I last posted properly.

Works been sucky. I’ve been yucky. I can’t stop eating. My waistline won’t stop growing. And if I could lock myself away in a retreat with just myself for a week then my god I’d be there in a second.
On a more positive note I’ve been on a date with someone new and I’ve got another lined up for tomorrow (again with someone new). So it’s not all bad.
Everything I’m asking for recently is being sent to me by the Universe (so I’m going to repeat the retreat wish *hands forming praying position*) My belief in Law of Attraction is growing and once you start believing then they say that’s when it all starts. But I’ll move on to that on another day.

Mr Interview is off the scene. Well he was for about 3 weeks anyway. When I told myself that if he was even the slightest bit interested then I would have heard from him so why bother. But then that was until I drank rum, and sambuca and maybe also the odd glass of whisky which even after 5 hours sleep gave me some fierce confidence when I woke up the next morning and decided to send an 8.30am drunk text. Good thing was that he would never have guessed I was drunk (but maybe it would have been better if he had). Anyway, I basically asked if he was ever taking me out. He apologized, said he was busy and then asked me if I was after a date or sex. After I said date I never got a reply.
But another thing that’s happened over the last few weeks of being AWOL on here is that I realized I don’t want a FWB like I said I did. I may be horny as fuck (excuse the language but I needed to emphasize the issue as it’s been a while since I was even close), but I don’t want to try something that will make me feel rubbish for days after. I guess it’ll be even more amazing if I’m sexually frustrated and then do it with someone I’m genuinely into on a different level than just physical attraction. Let’s see if I can stick to my words…

Ok, new guy. FIT guy. 6ft 6.. Big arms, big chest, tattoo’s, full head of hair, good pictures, good text conversation, good job, good phone voice.. see where I’m going here?…
WRONG!!!! If there was anything that this date taught me it was to not take anything on face value because this man may have been lovely to look at but he was not good company.
It wasn’t a date, it was coffee to see if we got on and if we did then there would be a date. 10 minutes before we were due to meet he asks if we could go to the pub instead as his football team were winning and he wanted to watch it on the telly. Bare in mind that we live a few streets apart but I know the area so much better than him and the pub he’d suggested would have been bottom of my list. I said no, we’ll just meet after the match. He said no, lets go back to original venue. I said no, lets watch football. See you in 10 minutes! He arrived, but coincidentally needed the loo as soon as we’d got to the bar so I bought the drinks. Valuable points lost in half an hour.
We chatted, he kept touching my arm, asked me lots of questions about myself and if I’m honest he genuinely seemed interested. Football finished, he insisted on taking me for the coffee he’d promised me. And he paid.. Good boy! We had a laugh but something about him wasn’t right. He just seemed odd, so laid back he was almost horizontal and actually quite negative about every subject we spoke about. He did give me an amazing hug when we said goodbye and I got a text later that day to say Thanks for a good afternoon etc but I think he’d lost me by now and my responses weren’t as enthusiastic as prior to meeting him. It’s a shame as I could definitely imagine laying naked in a bed with him.

So tomorrow is another day and another date. This one will be named Pokemon. He’s a Tinder guy. Shorter than I’d like but persistent enough to impress me and good humor too so we’ll give it a go.

C xxxx

Change

Today is going to be a day of change.. update coming later.

But I need some opinions.. At the moment this blog is anonymous. It’s anonymous because there are things I write about that some people in my life probably wouldn’t appreciate (like the sex talk etc). I’m also new to this and I don’t yet have my flow (if you can put it that way).

I’ve always really wanted to write about a journey, usually Health and fitness or diet or how to love yourself etc. Something that would benefit others. So I’m thinking.. and I need your thoughts and opinions etc.. of showing myself.

I joined the gym today. I want to get fit, I want to blog about it and have inspiration to keep me at it. I want feedback and advice and whatever anyone else wants to give me. I want to share pictures and goals. I want you all to join me on this and I can’t do that if anonymous.

So, do I just keep this anonymous and create a new blog or shall I be brave and show myself?

Help ….

C xx