I lost myself 

I haven’t posted for a few months. Actually more than a few months.

Something unfortunate happened to me. It’s still happening to me. But today is a bit of a “wake up” and I found the urge to write it down. For my own sanity more than anything.

I found someone. Someone who opened this heart more than anyone has done for quite some years. I haven’t fallen in love with him, to be honest I’m not even close. But I have developed a crazy amount of feelings for him and somehow have lost all of my power. The unfortunate thing is that.. He has a girlfriend!!!

It was never my intention to get this involved, although I probably should have questioned why I even decided to dive into conversations with him knowing he had a girlfriend. I knew him from school..kinda. I bumped into him in a bar, wanted a photo, sent the photo to myself from his phone and so it began. I laid the law down from the start, I put him back in his box whenever he needed to go back in. I owned the power. But he owned the charm, which is what’s got me into this mess! When you tell someone that something isn’t going to happen, you have to stick to that, don’t fall for any bull shit that leaves their mouth, as much as it makes you feel special. DO NOT GIVE IN! It wasn’t long before he’d convinced me to go for innocent lunch. It was innocent, apart from the fact that I got butterflies and it was probably better than any proper date I’d been on for a while. He told me for the 7000th time that he isn’t usually like this and he doesn’t talk to other girls etc etc. To be honest, my gut told me to believe that part. As much as that sounds ridiculous. My head however questioned the gut and it all got very confusing.

To cut a long story short, we’ve seen each other a few times and they’ve not all been innocent. I’ve told him numerous times that I can’t do this and I can’t hurt her or myself. I mean he’s ok isn’t he, he’ll win whichever way. I’ve lost the power of the situation and he knows this. He no longer tries to charm me (probably because he doesn’t need to anymore) and he is never first to suggest to see me. I understand that he has to be careful but FYI young man.. there is only so much power this girl will let you have. And today, I’m taking it back.

Today I was supposed to see him, again because I asked if I could. But I wanted to see how much he wanted to see me so I passed the ball to him to ask me in a few days. He didn’t. When I reminded him of the plans he said he thought I wasn’t interested as I hadn’t mentioned it again. Anyone else calling bullshit on this?? So I cancelled the later plans and I think it’s pretty obvious to him that I’m done with it. Today I’m pissed off, so it’s easier to gain the control of myself back. But I am concerned that I will lose it again when all is forgiven in a few days.

To him.. I really hope you don’t do this often. More so for all of the trust you’re taking away from people.

To his girlfriend… I’m very sorry. I didn’t try hard enough to keep him away.

To myself… You know the answers to the questions. Find yourself again and remember you’re worth more.

Don’t let a bad guy change a very good soul.

C xx

When something is missing…

I’ve just completed Date 4 with Pokemon (I’m not sure why I’m calling him Pokemon anymore but we’ll carry on with that one).
So yeh..Date 4!!!! To be honest it feels more like Date 20 as it feels like I never didn’t know him. I stayed last night but the deed still wasn’t done. I used the excuse of a lack of waxing, which wasn’t really an excuse. It is getting a bit foresty down there (The joys of working in a  busy salon – there is never enough time to fit your own appointments in) and I just wouldn’t put him through that. But I don’t think I could do it with him anyway. No offence to him.. keep reading and you’ll understand why.

I hear you ask how did I get to date 4? Last time I posted I’d maybe only just completed date 1? So we went for dinner for date 2 and whilst out for dinner we discussed Longleat safari park which is about an hour away from home but I’d never been, so he offered to take me. And there we have it..Date 3; A week later, we went for a day out at a safari park. It was so much fun, his company is on point, his banter is perfect. He made me a bacon sandwich for the trip there, that is most certainly a way in to this girls heart. He’s very touchy feely (which I’d probably love if it was the right person), he’s not at all clingy which scores him massive points, but something is missing and this makes me sad. If you were to ask me if I liked him then I’d say Definitely. If you asked me if I wanted to be with him then I’d say No.
I can’t quite get a grip onto what it is that’s missing, or if it is just that I’m not attracted to him. Maybe it’s his weight (or lack of), maybe it’s his height (again, or lack of). I don’t know but I know it’s maybe time to let him know how I’m feeling 😦

I was going to tell him before date 3 but I really wanted to spend the day with him. Then I was going to tell him after date 3 but I realized one night that I really wanted to see him so I guessed maybe there were more feelings and maybe I needed to just go with the flow, its only date 3 after all. But now we’re heading on to date 5, I’ve stayed the night, we’ve discussed personal stuff. I want to stay friends but I’m sure he doesn’t need anymore friends.
So this week is the week to break the silence and discuss how I’m feeling. Wish me luck :-/

C xxx