I lost myself 

I haven’t posted for a few months. Actually more than a few months.

Something unfortunate happened to me. It’s still happening to me. But today is a bit of a “wake up” and I found the urge to write it down. For my own sanity more than anything.

I found someone. Someone who opened this heart more than anyone has done for quite some years. I haven’t fallen in love with him, to be honest I’m not even close. But I have developed a crazy amount of feelings for him and somehow have lost all of my power. The unfortunate thing is that.. He has a girlfriend!!!

It was never my intention to get this involved, although I probably should have questioned why I even decided to dive into conversations with him knowing he had a girlfriend. I knew him from school..kinda. I bumped into him in a bar, wanted a photo, sent the photo to myself from his phone and so it began. I laid the law down from the start, I put him back in his box whenever he needed to go back in. I owned the power. But he owned the charm, which is what’s got me into this mess! When you tell someone that something isn’t going to happen, you have to stick to that, don’t fall for any bull shit that leaves their mouth, as much as it makes you feel special. DO NOT GIVE IN! It wasn’t long before he’d convinced me to go for innocent lunch. It was innocent, apart from the fact that I got butterflies and it was probably better than any proper date I’d been on for a while. He told me for the 7000th time that he isn’t usually like this and he doesn’t talk to other girls etc etc. To be honest, my gut told me to believe that part. As much as that sounds ridiculous. My head however questioned the gut and it all got very confusing.

To cut a long story short, we’ve seen each other a few times and they’ve not all been innocent. I’ve told him numerous times that I can’t do this and I can’t hurt her or myself. I mean he’s ok isn’t he, he’ll win whichever way. I’ve lost the power of the situation and he knows this. He no longer tries to charm me (probably because he doesn’t need to anymore) and he is never first to suggest to see me. I understand that he has to be careful but FYI young man.. there is only so much power this girl will let you have. And today, I’m taking it back.

Today I was supposed to see him, again because I asked if I could. But I wanted to see how much he wanted to see me so I passed the ball to him to ask me in a few days. He didn’t. When I reminded him of the plans he said he thought I wasn’t interested as I hadn’t mentioned it again. Anyone else calling bullshit on this?? So I cancelled the later plans and I think it’s pretty obvious to him that I’m done with it. Today I’m pissed off, so it’s easier to gain the control of myself back. But I am concerned that I will lose it again when all is forgiven in a few days.

To him.. I really hope you don’t do this often. More so for all of the trust you’re taking away from people.

To his girlfriend… I’m very sorry. I didn’t try hard enough to keep him away.

To myself… You know the answers to the questions. Find yourself again and remember you’re worth more.

Don’t let a bad guy change a very good soul.

C xx

Aside

Lets talk about Loyalty

It was a sad day for GBBO fans today as Mary Berry announced that she would not follow the BBC show to Channel 4. I’ve only really become a fan of the programme this series but its fair to say that even those who don’t own a TV know that Mary Berry is the face of the show. I really wish I could have a nice cuppa with her tonight, give her a kiss on the cheek and say “Thank you”. Thank you for giving us faith again and showing us Brits that Loyalty is still very much alive.
Loyalty. One simple word with so much emotion. Loyalty is a part of each and everyone of us. Some people use it well, some people not so well. But when it is used well then it can hold so much positive energy. If you are loyal then you’ll get alot more respect, if you are shown loyalty then you trust easier, you respect others you feel a warm special feeling of love. But if the opposite occurs it can break a world.
We, as one world, are all taught our behaviours. Most are taught at a young age, following on from Parents and Teachers etc. If as a child you were brought up in a house full of deceit then how do you ever learn about loyalty. If you’ve been shown that it’s ok to speak ill of others then how do you know otherwise? But what happens when you are shown the correct ways, what happens when you grow up in a perfect household with a perfect lifestyle and then all of a sudden other people around you introduce lies, infidelity and cruelty. We were taught that these behaviors are wrong, so why do we stand for it?? The answer to that is simple..Because we were also taught to love and to trust and we were taught to stand by the ones we love. Because we were taught to be LOYAL. Is it only us Loyal people who get hurt?
There’s been some heartbreaking occasions throughout my life in which friends (always friends) were not loyal. There is a special thing about a friend, you should trust them with your life, you should never have to doubt them or question what they’re doing or saying. You should be able to call on them whenever you needed.
Unfortunately most of these occasions involved men. What do men have over us females which breaks the loyalty bond between two girlfriends? Is it because we are not strong without men? Is it because we are scared that no other man will walk into our lives?
But what about the girlfriend..why are we not scared to lose the most precious people close to us. The people that if that man destroys us we know we can run back to our girlfriends and they’ll look after us forever and ever.
I can’t, and don’t think, I will ever understand this.
 On that note, I’m off to feed the dog. The most loyal friend a man can ever have.
Goodbye Mary.
C xx

 

 

You can call me C

I am C. I’m 31. I’m female, I live in my home town of Bristol, UK. I’ve got the best family and friends in the world, I’ve had a pretty good life and I’ve seen more of the world than most people I know.

I’m 31, I live with my parents and I’m starting to think I’m destined to be single forever.

Welcome to my newest hobby..My Blog. I’m keeping this first post simple. I’m not sharing my true identity (just yet). But what I will be sharing is my ups and downs. My struggles (or not so much) in the dating world and just as much as you can stand to read about my life.
I don’t think I’m any different to anyone else. I’m no more special than you and you’re no more special than me. I want everyone to realise that the things we think and feel and the way we behave are probably no different to the person who sat next to you on the train today. We may be different but we’re all human. We all have emotions and we all do silly shit sometimes!

So welcome to my life. I am C. I’m 31 and I want to fall in love.