A letter to the girl behind the mask 

Dear Charlee, 

I wish sometimes you’d be more honest with yourself. It’s so easy to smile and get on with life but if you ever just stopped and looked around you’d see that all those things you try to hide from everyone isn’t actually hidden at all. People can see the vulnerable little girl that’s so desperate to get out and say so much, to love someone, to have someone love you. It isn’t a bad thing to be vulnerable y’know. It’s quite normal, everyone at some point in their lives will experience it and you should be proud that you’re able to experience such emotion. No one will think any less of you, if anything they’ll think much more of you. For being strong when for so long you’ve actually been incredibly weak. 

A lot of people love you. You know this. You are an exceptionally good human being with such a beautiful heart. You feel so strongly for those who are hurting and you will always put others first. So why is it so wrong for you to feel the same emotions as these people you are so keen to help. Do you judge those? No. So why judge yourself??

I hate it when you look in the mirror and tell yourself you aren’t worth it. You’re beautiful. I know you think everyone just says that to make you feel better but you really are. You’ve got a beautiful soul and it shines through out of your eyes. It’s hard to hide when you’re feeling down. Your eyes show it. Your eyes are showing it now. You aren’t yourself but you won’t be beaten and it’s so frustrating to watch you beat yourself up. 

You know that the universe is waiting to give you real love, you know how much the universe loves you and it’s not just going to send you any old piece of crap. You need the real thing, that unconditional feeling that not everyone gets to experience. You will, and you know he’s on his way. Just believe in yourself, you want a man who is going to look after you but who is going to put you in line when you need to be. He can’t do that whilst you are busy beating yourself up. He needs you at your best. 

Stop going back to the past. It was never always your fault. Life is full of ups and downs, lessons, teaching. Shit happens. You aren’t the only one it’s happened to and you sure as hell are lucky compared to some of the break ups and heart breaks I’ve seen. 

Darling, put yourself out there. Don’t be shy, or scared, or pretend to be that person you aren’t. Someone is going to fall so hard in love with you that you’ll understand why it took so long. He’s going to make you realise how amazing you are and he’s going to help you finally love yourself. It’s going to be wonderful. 


Get out there, swallow that pride and don’t give one hoot about what anyone thinks of you, anyone who looks down on you or who judges you. You give advice every day of your life so start following that advice yourself and practice what you preach. 

I love you. Forever. 

C xx

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I lost myself 

I haven’t posted for a few months. Actually more than a few months.

Something unfortunate happened to me. It’s still happening to me. But today is a bit of a “wake up” and I found the urge to write it down. For my own sanity more than anything.

I found someone. Someone who opened this heart more than anyone has done for quite some years. I haven’t fallen in love with him, to be honest I’m not even close. But I have developed a crazy amount of feelings for him and somehow have lost all of my power. The unfortunate thing is that.. He has a girlfriend!!!

It was never my intention to get this involved, although I probably should have questioned why I even decided to dive into conversations with him knowing he had a girlfriend. I knew him from school..kinda. I bumped into him in a bar, wanted a photo, sent the photo to myself from his phone and so it began. I laid the law down from the start, I put him back in his box whenever he needed to go back in. I owned the power. But he owned the charm, which is what’s got me into this mess! When you tell someone that something isn’t going to happen, you have to stick to that, don’t fall for any bull shit that leaves their mouth, as much as it makes you feel special. DO NOT GIVE IN! It wasn’t long before he’d convinced me to go for innocent lunch. It was innocent, apart from the fact that I got butterflies and it was probably better than any proper date I’d been on for a while. He told me for the 7000th time that he isn’t usually like this and he doesn’t talk to other girls etc etc. To be honest, my gut told me to believe that part. As much as that sounds ridiculous. My head however questioned the gut and it all got very confusing.

To cut a long story short, we’ve seen each other a few times and they’ve not all been innocent. I’ve told him numerous times that I can’t do this and I can’t hurt her or myself. I mean he’s ok isn’t he, he’ll win whichever way. I’ve lost the power of the situation and he knows this. He no longer tries to charm me (probably because he doesn’t need to anymore) and he is never first to suggest to see me. I understand that he has to be careful but FYI young man.. there is only so much power this girl will let you have. And today, I’m taking it back.

Today I was supposed to see him, again because I asked if I could. But I wanted to see how much he wanted to see me so I passed the ball to him to ask me in a few days. He didn’t. When I reminded him of the plans he said he thought I wasn’t interested as I hadn’t mentioned it again. Anyone else calling bullshit on this?? So I cancelled the later plans and I think it’s pretty obvious to him that I’m done with it. Today I’m pissed off, so it’s easier to gain the control of myself back. But I am concerned that I will lose it again when all is forgiven in a few days.

To him.. I really hope you don’t do this often. More so for all of the trust you’re taking away from people.

To his girlfriend… I’m very sorry. I didn’t try hard enough to keep him away.

To myself… You know the answers to the questions. Find yourself again and remember you’re worth more.

Don’t let a bad guy change a very good soul.

C xx