There comes a time in life when you have to face your insecurities and fears. How you deal with that is completely your own responsibility. You can ask the world and it’s son for advice and feedback but you are the only one who will feel the feelings that you’re feeling so you’re the only one who can answer your questions.
I’m at that point. You could say that I’m a confident wise woman but when faced with an emotion that scares me so much it’s like every inch of confidence leaves my body and I’m a little girl again.
After I started falling in love and feeling a way I’d not felt in such a long time (so long in fact, that I can’t actually remember when I last felt like it), I found out that the man that I was giving my heart to had failed to tell me that he had a very young baby. I can’t dive into his past too much as it’s not my story to tell but the bond between that babies mother and him is something I will probably never get from him. After much laying in my bed crying like a teenager I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and take on his life. This meant accepting the past and what has happened and accepting the future as it will be. Not just me and him, but me and him and her and her. I will never ever make judgement of a lady I’ve never met and I will never make comments about an ex that I’ve never met even if the stories I’m being fed aren’t the nicest. Until I meet her I will not judge and criticise.
However, it’s brought up insecurities I never even knew I had. Insecurities that make me feel second best and I don’t know how long I will feel like this. I’m trying to work on myself to understand why and where these have come from but I know I shouldn’t let an insecurity ruin such an amazing feeling right now. They say things get easier with time, but will time truly make me feel like I will ever have the same bond with the man I love as he does with the woman he used to love. I’m not sure. Do I chose love and settle for second place. Do I accept he’s never felt this way about anyone before and accept that maybe that puts me at number one. And why am I concentrating so much on being number one when I could just sit and enjoy every second with him without that being a care.
Time will tell. I’ve asked the universe for help in answering my questions and I shall enjoy the only moment we might possibly have. NOW.