Facing the insecurities

There comes a time in life when you have to face your insecurities and fears. How you deal with that is completely your own responsibility. You can ask the world and it’s son for advice and feedback but you are the only one who will feel the feelings that you’re feeling so you’re the only one who can answer your questions.

I’m at that point. You could say that I’m a confident wise woman but when faced with an emotion that scares me so much it’s like every inch of confidence leaves my body and I’m a little girl again.

After I started falling in love and feeling a way I’d not felt in such a long time (so long in fact, that I can’t actually remember when I last felt like it), I found out that the man that I was giving my heart to had failed to tell me that he had a very young baby. I can’t dive into his past too much as it’s not my story to tell but the bond between that babies mother and him is something I will probably never get from him. After much laying in my bed crying like a teenager I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and take on his life. This meant accepting the past and what has happened and accepting the future as it will be. Not just me and him, but me and him and her and her. I will never ever make judgement of a lady I’ve never met and I will never make comments about an ex that I’ve never met even if the stories I’m being fed aren’t the nicest. Until I meet her I will not judge and criticise.

However, it’s brought up insecurities I never even knew I had. Insecurities that make me feel second best and I don’t know how long I will feel like this. I’m trying to work on myself to understand why and where these have come from but I know I shouldn’t let an insecurity ruin such an amazing feeling right now. They say things get easier with time, but will time truly make me feel like I will ever have the same bond with the man I love as he does with the woman he used to love. I’m not sure. Do I chose love and settle for second place. Do I accept he’s never felt this way about anyone before and accept that maybe that puts me at number one. And why am I concentrating so much on being number one when I could just sit and enjoy every second with him without that being a care.

Time will tell. I’ve asked the universe for help in answering my questions and I shall enjoy the only moment we might possibly have. NOW.

Love.

Cxx

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My Spiritual Journey 

When I was 8 I saw a spirit. It wasn’t just a random spirit coming to visit me, it was my nan. I woke up and she was stood next to my bed staring at me. She’d been gone for just under 2 years so I knew what I was seeing was her as a ghost. It frightened me, but not as much as the following 30 seconds would. Once I’d adjusted my eyes to allow my vision to maybe tell me that it was all an optical illusion, my nan changed to form someone else. This is when I became terrified. There is a significant difference in being frightened and being terrified, and I found that out this night. It was only 10 seconds or so before whoever I was seeing in front of me changed again, this time My Grandad was stood there. He stood there enough time for me to realise that everything I’d seen in the previous minute was not an optical illusion. I screamed for my dad so loud that he came bursting into the room instantly, I cried for hours and refused to sleep with the light off for many months after. At that point my grandad was still alive. The following day he passed.

When I was 17 mum believed I was old enough to hear the story behind that crazy night. Mum had also had a visit that night, just before me. My nan was stood at the side of her bed cradling my mums little brother (who died at a sad young age of 2 years old) and holding my grandads hand. Mum told me that she knew my grandads spirit had left even though his body was still working. Nan had come to let her know he was at peace and to warn her of the next 24 hours. As soon as I’d let out that scream she knew that I’d been paid a visit too.

I’d always felt presences whilst in bed. It was the strangest of feelings, like someone was sat on my bed, or someone was moving around. It used to frighten me so I’d squeeze my eyes shut and hold my body still so they’d think I was still asleep. If I played dead then they wouldn’t get me. Back then I’d have given anything to get them away from me, now I’d give anything to feel them again. A few years ago I worked with one of my spiritual masters and together we asked them if they could take a step back. Now they don’t visit me at all.

When I was 22 I was in Toronto, Canada, and I called mum for a catch up. She was excited about a new course she had enrolled in but nervous about what people would say and how serious she would be taken. She was learning about Tarot. Little did we know that she’d become one of the top Tarot Readers in the area  (in my heart anyway) and that this was just the very beginning of an amazing journey for her.

When I was 27 I started becoming more curious about it, mum had always wanted me to follow in her path but would never push me. We started with reiki, and every now and then I’d have a little play with the cards but still up to this day my worry of criticism, judgement and non understanding of others keeps my confidence at too much of a low to practice on the public. I became a reiki 2 and and have since enjoyed learning all about spiritualism and finding my own path. Not long after I’d found reiki my life took a rough path. Somehow I got lost and my body, mind and spirit was not working with me. I lost control of life for a while and very quietly slipped into a path of depression and destruction. I didn’t want to be “the depressed one”. I wanted to be the bubbly one like I always had been, the tough one of the family. But something was stopping me and the more I tried to be happy the more my body didn’t allow me to be. I was putting obstacles in the way of everything so mum sent me off to a friend who preformed “cutting the ties that bind us”. I then had reiki for the next few months and my life, as promised, changed. The course my life took not only helped me to remove the negativity that was blocking my doorway but also send me on a travelling path of self discovery.

Last night  (I’m 31 now), for the first time I meditated and didn’t fall asleep. I meditated without being guided and I did it all by myself. I felt real stuff. I visioned and I manifested. And when my body woke me up naturally, I was buzzing and so excited for 2017 that I fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face.

This was, and still is, my journey. I’m ready. 

C xxxx

The battle with myself 

I’m adding a new subject to this blog… Weight loss. Getting fit. Being healthy. GAINING CONFIDENCE. 

Its true what they say “No one will love you until you love yourself.” If you don’t love yourself and have a healthy relationship with number one then you will always be searching for someone to help you. You’ll accept any love from any one and this often ends in ‘any one’ being the wrong one. I’ve been there far too many times. I don’t feel good about myself and some jerk offers me a compliment, I accept the compliment because he’s made me feel good. He charms the pants off of me, has his wicked way and leaves me feeling even worse than I did before I met him. This wouldn’t have been his fault, only mine. As I am the only one who can control these inner feelings. Now if I loved myself enough then the Jerk wouldn’t have come within a mile of me. 1) Because I wouldn’t have let him and 2) because he wouldn’t have been able to smell my vulnerability. My confidence would have been a lot stronger than his and I would have won the battle. 

What I’m trying to say is that when you love yourself you don’t need anyone else’s approval, your instinct is so strong that you’d be able to tell the Jerks from the good guys and you’d be an all round winner. It took me a very long time to find some confidence within this soul of mine. And even though I’m no where near where I want to be emotionally, I am way over half way there compared to a few years ago, and I can positively say that even within the small amount of confidence that I’ve gained I can see and feel one heck of a difference in happiness already. 

I’ve always battled with my body. Never being the same as others, too tall, too overweight, not as pretty and petite as my other friends. I’ve been smaller than I am now and my gosh have I been bigger. I’ve had short hair, long hair, dark hair, blonde hair. I’ve never really had an issue with my face, especially if I’m wearing a smile but My weight has always been my struggle. It’s been worse since I lost a few stone as I’ve now become a little obsessed. Constantly worrying about what I’m putting in my mouth but eating it anyway and then complaining and feeling guilty afterwards. I often have flings with chocolate. Binge flings. It’s just been Christmas so it’s been a pretty intense fling this time so I must admit at the moment I’m on a guilt trip and I am giving myself some hefty beating up about it and this is when it all goes wrong. This is where I get annoyed at myself for not having more confidence as I know for the next few weeks I am going to struggle to love myself. 

BUT, I want to end this post on a positive. This is a journey that I shall no doubt be on for the rest of my life. The battle within my soul. Something or maybe even someone caused this battle and being the warrior that I am I have finally found the correct armour to face it. In the last 2 years of my life I have realised that life isn’t about the way you look, or the materialistic life you lead. It isn’t about having the right car or the expensive shoes, or the pretty face and the smallest waist. It’s about love and respect and enjoyment and living the life you can with what you have. Embracing every flaw, everything that makes you different and show the world that actually being different is fun. I’ve realised that it’s actually 500 times better to be different, be quirky, be whatever the fuck you want to be. Because otherwise you will stand in that crowd looking like every other mofo and you will never be noticed. Be crazy and be wild and show the world who you are. Dare to be different. Because if you look closely enough, in a crowd of 99 clones and 1 individual there is only going to be one person who stands out. 


So tonight I’m going to practice my gratitude and give thanks to all that I was given. Hips to keep my babies comfortable, legs to help me reach the top shelf and a wild personality to keep me sane! 

Goodnight world and god bless. 

C xxx

Change

Today is going to be a day of change.. update coming later.

But I need some opinions.. At the moment this blog is anonymous. It’s anonymous because there are things I write about that some people in my life probably wouldn’t appreciate (like the sex talk etc). I’m also new to this and I don’t yet have my flow (if you can put it that way).

I’ve always really wanted to write about a journey, usually Health and fitness or diet or how to love yourself etc. Something that would benefit others. So I’m thinking.. and I need your thoughts and opinions etc.. of showing myself.

I joined the gym today. I want to get fit, I want to blog about it and have inspiration to keep me at it. I want feedback and advice and whatever anyone else wants to give me. I want to share pictures and goals. I want you all to join me on this and I can’t do that if anonymous.

So, do I just keep this anonymous and create a new blog or shall I be brave and show myself?

Help ….

C xx

Dating App Crap

If you’ve read through my other posts you will know that I am on the new craze of ‘Dating Apps’. Although it’s not my craze in the slightest. My negativity towards them is probably the reason why it’s not been too successful for me.

The problem we’re facing today is that it is far too hard to go out to a bar and meet a guy, get chatting and live happily ever after. Yes, I do sometimes wish I was from my grand parents generation but I’m not and I have to deal with that.
The reason it’s so hard to find that guy in a bar is because this generation is about drinking as much as possible, getting free and loose, going home together and then never seeing that person again. Unless you bump into them in the local supermarket and run as fast as you can to finish your shopping before they notice you and the mounds of chocolate you’re buying so you can cry yourself away whilst swiping left and right at home on the said Dating Apps trying to find your husband.
Ok, excuse my miserable old lady approach, it’s not impossible. My best friend has this amazing knack of making every man fall in love with her whether she makes him wait for the special moment or not. But we aren’t all magic like her unfortunately (and she does attract some nutters!!) and the reason this happens is because she’s f**king awesome and I wouldn’t have her any other way.
But me, I really don’t enjoy it. The awkward first messages, the deciding if he’s worth a date, the awkward first date etc. I try, I try again and then I give up for a few months and then I try again.

I’d love to see other girls profiles, see what my competition is. See if my photo’s are too boring, or my bio is too long (if they even read it). Reading this post though it’s probably because I’m so bloody negative. I promise there’s not always this dark cloud above my head.
But today I was on one of my “Yes this could be fun approaches”. So I reactivated an older profile which I’d blocked and whilst having a browse I came across a guys profile which made me laugh out loud. Not laugh with a “he needs to buy me a rum and coke NOW”, but a “Are you serious!!!” kind of laugh.

He was bold, chubby (maybe a little more fat than chubby but I’m trying to be polite). He wasn’t bad looking, I would have put him more on the cute spectrum rather than hot though. His job wasn’t that exciting and his bio was a bit boring but one line did stand out. He was explaining the people that he doesn’t want to message him. Anyone over size 14 isn’t welcome to engage with him. He didn’t mean it nasty, so he says, but he just thinks he needs to get that straight before he wastes any ones time. Look mate, you didn’t need to say that. You could easily just approach it, if you’re ever lucky enough to get any message from a beautiful curvy Size 16, by just not responding. To be honest though with your lack of brain cells I’m wondering if you’re getting a size 14 mixed up with a Size 6. Did you know H & M Jeans are usually 2 sizes smaller? Are you aware that big busted girls might have a size 12 bottom but a size 16 top half. No you didn’t did you. I wouldn’t have paid any attention to this comment if he was a gorgeous David Beckham lookalike but he really shouldn’t be being picky. Good luck in finding your supermodel mate. I really do hope you have a personality somewhere inside that soul of yours.

On a more positive note, he did open my eyes and make me realise that maybe I shouldn’t be as fussy either. So on that note, thanks dude. Where you failed.. I accomplished 🙂

Night all, I’m off to find my fish in the sea of Great White Sharks.

C xx

 

 

Dare to share

Today’s daily prompt is either a coincidence or a sign. Being the spiritual believer that I am, I’m taking it as a sign. Although most people will say it’s just a coincidence.

You’ve all learnt about Mr Interview, he’s a FWB kind of guy and I should never get into this situation thinking anything different. I’ve been meaning to share more about this man for a few days but I’ll admit.. I’ve been scared of people’s opinions and judgement. I know I’m anonymous but I grew up believing people should respect themselves and not be so easy to catch etc etc. It’s never got me anywhere and we all have needs don’t we? And I need this man. Hang on let me rephrase that, I don’t need a man but this man… I asked for him, they sent me him and now I have to make the most of the gift I’ve been given before it gets taken away. It’s called spiritual awareness.

So I’m braving it and I’m Daring to enter his world and also Daring to share it with this world.

We’ll start from the next chapter.. When the photo’s started. For a while it’s just been him sharing. He shares and he asks for my opinion always. Sometimes on what I think of him, sometimes on what I think of his hair, sometimes what I think of his body. But he’s always looking for compliments. Maybe he isn’t as confident as he makes out.
I finally played along and returned the favour, yet mine were more classy. Skin on show but nothing too personal. He complimented me but I didn’t need complimenting, maybe I’m more confident than I make out as I wouldn’t have sent the pic if I didnt think it looked good! Since then I’ve sent a few more discreet ones, then the last few have been more intimate and the other day I bared all (Excluding the face). He excites me, he keeps me on my toes and he’s so beautiful my ovaries hurt (A phrase my best friend uses all of time but I’ve never experienced the feeling until now. We’ve almost met on 3 occasions but each time something has got in the way, I’m starting to think he is all talk. By meet I mean, I’ll go to his, we’ll do the deed and then I’ll leave. I can’t emotionally engage with him, once oxytocin has released in my brain I need to scuttle because I do not need oxytocin to engage with this man in any way shape or form.

He’s also asked me my thoughts on open relationships and would I be willing to embark on something like this. My answer was No.. If I am in a relationship I don’t want to share him and so I asked him if he wouldn’t be atall worried that I’d catch feelings for the other guy.. His response was “You wouldn’t have time, I’d allow you to sleep with someone else if you found them attractive but you’d be straight back here to engage with me on an emotional level afterwards”. Mr Grey eat your heart out??!!

You can all cast your judgement on me, but we are living in a generation of fun-loving youngsters where behaviour that your grandparents would turn in their graves over has become acceptable. The girls are behaving like the guys, which to me isn’t a bad thing but the girls are still being scrutinised for this and the guys are still being high-fived for the same behaviour. Things need to change. Life has changed and as much as I want respect I also want to be given the chance to respect them back. It’s called balance. As long as we set the boundaries and the rules at the beginning then the level of respect towards each other is equal.

C xx

People watching 

One of my favourite pastimes is people watching. Whether it’s sitting in a coffee shop (which is where I am now), or sitting in traffic or in a crowded park. There is just something fascinating about watching other people. I like to make up stories in my head about their lives and what they’re doing. Are they on a date? Are they work colleagues? Are they having a affair and he’s meeting his Mrs Jones for their thing that they got going on (one of my favourite songs ever by the way).

I’m currently sharing this coffee shop moment with the following (and remember this is head thoughts so please don’t be spreading rumours) :-

Ronda and Keith – Husband and wife.. Married for centuries. He’s just found technology, she’s just found peace and quiet. Wouldn’t know what to do without each other but have ran out of conversation.

Danny and his Mother and Daughter – It’s a daddy and daughter day. I reckon he’s a single father. He’s got a coffee date with his mother so she can still keep in contact with her precious granddaughter that her ex daughter in law doesn’t want her to see.

Emma and Sean – They are definitely on a date!! Instinct is kicking in here. Maybe a 2nd or 3rd date as they seem to know each other a little already. She’s brought her baby with her, he’s trying to pretend he isn’t scared of it (I can’t work out if its a boy or a girl sorry). They don’t suit in the slightest. He’s a handsome mixed race sporty guy and she’s a plain Jane kind of girl but he’s definitely into her. I like this love story.

The corporate team meeting – These are actually sat on the table next to me so I’m enjoying earwigging. I’m a woman, I can multitask. So there is 1 man (he’s the boss), and 2 women. The women are complaining about another female member of the team. It all sounds silly to me so god knows what it sounds like to him. He’s looking at me more than he’s listening to them anyway. It might be because I look great today but it could also be that he knows he’s my inspiration today.

There’s many more people to watch here, out of control children being chased by their frustrated mothers, friends complaining about their husbands and workmen reading the latest newspapers but I’m pretty sure page 3 doesn’t take that long to read. Lastly their is a girl in the corner, with a latte ( just like me), and a laptop and she’s scanning the place. She’s definitely another one of me, thinking the same as me and writing the same as me. She’s just grinned … She knows that she is the same as me. I nod my head to let her know I acknowledge this and we happily go back to writing about the world and the people as we see it.

Have a good day. Make it what you will.

C xx