Facing the insecurities

There comes a time in life when you have to face your insecurities and fears. How you deal with that is completely your own responsibility. You can ask the world and it’s son for advice and feedback but you are the only one who will feel the feelings that you’re feeling so you’re the only one who can answer your questions.

I’m at that point. You could say that I’m a confident wise woman but when faced with an emotion that scares me so much it’s like every inch of confidence leaves my body and I’m a little girl again.

After I started falling in love and feeling a way I’d not felt in such a long time (so long in fact, that I can’t actually remember when I last felt like it), I found out that the man that I was giving my heart to had failed to tell me that he had a very young baby. I can’t dive into his past too much as it’s not my story to tell but the bond between that babies mother and him is something I will probably never get from him. After much laying in my bed crying like a teenager I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and take on his life. This meant accepting the past and what has happened and accepting the future as it will be. Not just me and him, but me and him and her and her. I will never ever make judgement of a lady I’ve never met and I will never make comments about an ex that I’ve never met even if the stories I’m being fed aren’t the nicest. Until I meet her I will not judge and criticise.

However, it’s brought up insecurities I never even knew I had. Insecurities that make me feel second best and I don’t know how long I will feel like this. I’m trying to work on myself to understand why and where these have come from but I know I shouldn’t let an insecurity ruin such an amazing feeling right now. They say things get easier with time, but will time truly make me feel like I will ever have the same bond with the man I love as he does with the woman he used to love. I’m not sure. Do I chose love and settle for second place. Do I accept he’s never felt this way about anyone before and accept that maybe that puts me at number one. And why am I concentrating so much on being number one when I could just sit and enjoy every second with him without that being a care.

Time will tell. I’ve asked the universe for help in answering my questions and I shall enjoy the only moment we might possibly have. NOW.

Love.

Cxx

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I lost myself 

I haven’t posted for a few months. Actually more than a few months.

Something unfortunate happened to me. It’s still happening to me. But today is a bit of a “wake up” and I found the urge to write it down. For my own sanity more than anything.

I found someone. Someone who opened this heart more than anyone has done for quite some years. I haven’t fallen in love with him, to be honest I’m not even close. But I have developed a crazy amount of feelings for him and somehow have lost all of my power. The unfortunate thing is that.. He has a girlfriend!!!

It was never my intention to get this involved, although I probably should have questioned why I even decided to dive into conversations with him knowing he had a girlfriend. I knew him from school..kinda. I bumped into him in a bar, wanted a photo, sent the photo to myself from his phone and so it began. I laid the law down from the start, I put him back in his box whenever he needed to go back in. I owned the power. But he owned the charm, which is what’s got me into this mess! When you tell someone that something isn’t going to happen, you have to stick to that, don’t fall for any bull shit that leaves their mouth, as much as it makes you feel special. DO NOT GIVE IN! It wasn’t long before he’d convinced me to go for innocent lunch. It was innocent, apart from the fact that I got butterflies and it was probably better than any proper date I’d been on for a while. He told me for the 7000th time that he isn’t usually like this and he doesn’t talk to other girls etc etc. To be honest, my gut told me to believe that part. As much as that sounds ridiculous. My head however questioned the gut and it all got very confusing.

To cut a long story short, we’ve seen each other a few times and they’ve not all been innocent. I’ve told him numerous times that I can’t do this and I can’t hurt her or myself. I mean he’s ok isn’t he, he’ll win whichever way. I’ve lost the power of the situation and he knows this. He no longer tries to charm me (probably because he doesn’t need to anymore) and he is never first to suggest to see me. I understand that he has to be careful but FYI young man.. there is only so much power this girl will let you have. And today, I’m taking it back.

Today I was supposed to see him, again because I asked if I could. But I wanted to see how much he wanted to see me so I passed the ball to him to ask me in a few days. He didn’t. When I reminded him of the plans he said he thought I wasn’t interested as I hadn’t mentioned it again. Anyone else calling bullshit on this?? So I cancelled the later plans and I think it’s pretty obvious to him that I’m done with it. Today I’m pissed off, so it’s easier to gain the control of myself back. But I am concerned that I will lose it again when all is forgiven in a few days.

To him.. I really hope you don’t do this often. More so for all of the trust you’re taking away from people.

To his girlfriend… I’m very sorry. I didn’t try hard enough to keep him away.

To myself… You know the answers to the questions. Find yourself again and remember you’re worth more.

Don’t let a bad guy change a very good soul.

C xx

Dating App Crap

If you’ve read through my other posts you will know that I am on the new craze of ‘Dating Apps’. Although it’s not my craze in the slightest. My negativity towards them is probably the reason why it’s not been too successful for me.

The problem we’re facing today is that it is far too hard to go out to a bar and meet a guy, get chatting and live happily ever after. Yes, I do sometimes wish I was from my grand parents generation but I’m not and I have to deal with that.
The reason it’s so hard to find that guy in a bar is because this generation is about drinking as much as possible, getting free and loose, going home together and then never seeing that person again. Unless you bump into them in the local supermarket and run as fast as you can to finish your shopping before they notice you and the mounds of chocolate you’re buying so you can cry yourself away whilst swiping left and right at home on the said Dating Apps trying to find your husband.
Ok, excuse my miserable old lady approach, it’s not impossible. My best friend has this amazing knack of making every man fall in love with her whether she makes him wait for the special moment or not. But we aren’t all magic like her unfortunately (and she does attract some nutters!!) and the reason this happens is because she’s f**king awesome and I wouldn’t have her any other way.
But me, I really don’t enjoy it. The awkward first messages, the deciding if he’s worth a date, the awkward first date etc. I try, I try again and then I give up for a few months and then I try again.

I’d love to see other girls profiles, see what my competition is. See if my photo’s are too boring, or my bio is too long (if they even read it). Reading this post though it’s probably because I’m so bloody negative. I promise there’s not always this dark cloud above my head.
But today I was on one of my “Yes this could be fun approaches”. So I reactivated an older profile which I’d blocked and whilst having a browse I came across a guys profile which made me laugh out loud. Not laugh with a “he needs to buy me a rum and coke NOW”, but a “Are you serious!!!” kind of laugh.

He was bold, chubby (maybe a little more fat than chubby but I’m trying to be polite). He wasn’t bad looking, I would have put him more on the cute spectrum rather than hot though. His job wasn’t that exciting and his bio was a bit boring but one line did stand out. He was explaining the people that he doesn’t want to message him. Anyone over size 14 isn’t welcome to engage with him. He didn’t mean it nasty, so he says, but he just thinks he needs to get that straight before he wastes any ones time. Look mate, you didn’t need to say that. You could easily just approach it, if you’re ever lucky enough to get any message from a beautiful curvy Size 16, by just not responding. To be honest though with your lack of brain cells I’m wondering if you’re getting a size 14 mixed up with a Size 6. Did you know H & M Jeans are usually 2 sizes smaller? Are you aware that big busted girls might have a size 12 bottom but a size 16 top half. No you didn’t did you. I wouldn’t have paid any attention to this comment if he was a gorgeous David Beckham lookalike but he really shouldn’t be being picky. Good luck in finding your supermodel mate. I really do hope you have a personality somewhere inside that soul of yours.

On a more positive note, he did open my eyes and make me realise that maybe I shouldn’t be as fussy either. So on that note, thanks dude. Where you failed.. I accomplished 🙂

Night all, I’m off to find my fish in the sea of Great White Sharks.

C xx

 

 

Aside

Introducing D

We’re not going to talk about this one much more (if ever) after this post. But if you are going to follow my adventures in the dating game then I feel you should be told about anyone who I welcomed into my life after my return home from the other side of the world. So, unfortunately this means hearing all about Man number 1.

Before I start, I need to make you all very aware that I do not usually let men into my heart. I don’t know why, and I can’t explain why my brain sends these messages to my heart. All I know is that if I can find a problem to help me avoid this situation then I shall find it. Even if it’s that they don’t tie their shoelaces correctly! However, I came back with a fresh heart and a fresh head and I’m putting myself through the struggle of forgetting the issues and just going for it :-/

Okay.. D.. This was an odd one. I downloaded this cool app that lets you match with people who you’ve passed and if you like each other then you can chat.
I was on my way home from a friends one night when I found myself stopping in the middle of the road because an old fragile man had fallen outside of a shop and no one was helping him. It took me a while to register that he was the local drunk and clearly all the help in the world wouldn’t help him. I was brought out of this frenzy by a giant red truck beeping its horn and asking me to move along. The giant red truck was of course a fire engine so in a fluster I moved along and at the following traffic lights I had a few flirty smiles and a wave (oh wait, the wave was me).
I got home checked the app and low and behold in front of me was what seemed like a fireman. We’d crossed paths at the traffic lights where I’d been eye flirting with 5 or more men in uniforms. So, of course.. he must be one of them right?? I clicked like, we matched, he messaged, we chatted non stop for weeks.

I find out he wasn’t one of the firemen. I often wonder if I’d have clicked the button if I’d have known this, but then we wouldn’t have this story to tell either.

A few weeks down the line, we’re getting on great. Still haven’t met but its inevitable that it’s going to happen. I’m having a few drinks out with a friend one night and he lets me know he is in the bar next door. Would have been rude to not say hello. So off we trot. My first initial reaction was that he wasn’t my type. He was skinny, I didn’t particularly like his attire and he was so embarrassed that I then started feeling uncomfortable. The bar was rammed, couldn’t move and couldn’t even get a drink so we all decide to head somewhere else. 4 hours later we’ve all had a little too much to drink, we’re dancing in a nightclub and we’re all thinking its time to go home.
Next day we talk about headaches and how we’re too old to be behaving like that and agree we should meet properly, without the alcohol. A week or so passes and we do. His personality was just spot on. I would never fault that and I think that was the reason I was starting to find him quite attractive. We went for coffee, then for a drink, we laughed all afternoon and he then asked if he could see me again the next day.. Winner!

Facebook says he lost his phone. Which I believe. But he never got back to me about the next day. Later the next day I bump into him at one of night spots of Bristol. He used the word stalker I’m guessing about 8 or 9 times. First 3 were funny, then not so funny, then really actually quite irritating so I left him to fall out of the door drunk a few hours later whilst I was enjoying my time on the dance floor with my friend.

4 or 5 days passed and I’m questioning what happened but learning to deal with another one biting the dust. Then, out of the blue appears a message apologizing for his behavior, letting me know everything went wrong and that he’d message me properly after work.

I never got the follow up. He definitely got deleted though and we will never know what happened.

Why did I tell you this?? Well.. this is my life. I question whether I don’t put in enough effort, or if I put in too much effort. I’m not so upset about the rejection. What bothers me is the follow ups. No message means I get the message. So why message to confuse the message? Females are constantly told they read in to everything. If you didn’t give us anything to read then you’d make your lives a whole lot easier.
Confused?? I am!

Here’s to the next..
C xx