I’m not sure I’m ready to get off..

Amble, a slow walk. Taking your time to smell the flowers, feel the leaves, hear nature, smell the fresh air. Don’t rush. Enjoy life. Because if you think about it, life itself goes by quite fast, so why do we rush it forward even more?! (I started writing this blog yesterday..when the daily prompt was Amble). But the sentence fits so I’m keeping it. 

I met Mr Interview the other evening. I know…a year in the making! I thought it was about time I just bit the bullet and went for it. I hadn’t spoken to him in maybe 4 months and just like that he reappeared. Everywhere. In my head, on the phone and then in the street. His chat had changed this time, it was different, still mainly sex but speaking of holidays, the day, ourselves. He’s that good that he knew I wouldn’t have responded much if he hadn’t have changed his game. Silly me!! I knew exactly what would happen, why do you think I hadn’t met him. I’m not a strong person when it comes to relationships, casual or serious ones. I’m still trying to understand why I’m not strong and how I can be stronger. I put on a front but hey who am I fooling? Just myself. I’ve spent numerous hours, days and weeks working on liking myself, accepting my body and realising that my personality really outshines my flaws but something is obviously not fixed and I still need to realise what that is. 

So I went to his, we chatted and then we did the deed. I got right into it but maybe I didn’t put my all into it, which I should have done. Now at the time I thought I was shining, I’m always quite confident in bed, I like the lights on, I don’t worry about my body and I get involved. But something is telling me that something wasn’t right. This should spell out that maybe there was no spark but to me this spells out that he didn’t like my body, I wasn’t good enough in bed and he didn’t find me attractive. I’m worrying that he faked his orgasm, I’m worrying that he’s wishing he never wasted his time. My demons are running wild with me. Which is really fucking annoying as I know none of this is actually what’s happening in the real world. He walked me home after which probably didn’t help with the effect his charm and great looks has had on. There isn’t many men who would offer to walk you home safe..is there?? 

I think I expected too much even though I knew this is what would happen. I thought if we’d been talking for all this time then it would take a little more than an hour or so to chose to never speak to me again. (I say never again, he’s been polite enough to answer my texts). 

I’ve been on this Carousel now for well over a year, I was really enjoying it but now I’m starting to feel dizzy, I think I should get off but if I’m honest I don’t really want to. But do carousels do anything else but go round in circles and does this mean I’m ready to upgrade to the rollercoaster now instead..

Words of advice, kindness and feedback will help massively today. Comments on a postcard please xxx

Thanks pressers 

C xxx

Date 2 day

Its D2 day today with Pokemon. Date 1 was really good so I’m actually really looking forward to seeing him but I’m not quite sure I’ll agree to a 3rd date.

Tuesday was fun, we went for a drink but I was actually finding the conversation more difficult than usual. Not sure why as I’m usually pretty good at asking questions and getting a conversation started but this time it was really hard. He was good though and it didn’t go silent for too long.
It didn’t take us long to realize that there was a speed dating event going on above us and as the walls in this bar were glass it was easy to watch and laugh at the situations. At one point we were even considering joining for an extra laugh. Dave and Sheila were loving each other, if they didn’t tick each others boxes at the end of the night then I’ve lost faith in what “Fireworks” is!

Some interesting facts about Pokemon:
1. He organised and produced Guy Richie’s wedding.. Like Whaaa??? I had to try to pretend I wasn’t completely amazed by this. Keep cool etc. “Did you just say David Beckham attended.. Like the real David Beckham??? Oh right, okay, cool.”
2. He snowboards (and I think he’s pretty good at it)
3. He spent a season in the Alps (I think he said Alps). Which means he likes to explore and travel. Points earned.

A few hours later we moved on to another bar. Or I should say ran to another bar. The guy doesn’t know what casual stroll means. England were playing footie so we sat and watched that. Which is when he started cuddling me, I wasn’t sure if he was drunk at this point or just too touchy feely but as I’m trying new things I accepted it. I think maybe deep down he knew I wasn’t overly comfortable. I’m not a clingy person and sometimes I can feel a bit suffocated if it’s too much too soon.
We started playing the staring game, maybe  this was his way of seeing if he could kiss me (that’s still to come). I lost every time, which gave him more excuses to laugh and cuddle me tighter.
We decided to head home, his arm around me the whole walk back to the car. I didn’t remove it (again, trying the new thing). Seeing as it was raining and I felt comfortable enough around him I offered him a lift. This is when he kissed me. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t the best kiss. In fact it wasn’t really a kiss I’d ask for again. But again, trying something new and all that. It was only a few hours until I received a text asking if he could see me again.

Today we’re going for a Mexican and I’m trying to just go and enjoy myself rather than reading too much into it. It’s just a 2nd date, it doesn’t matter if I already know he isn’t the one.. does it??!

But FYI – I am kind of excited.

C xxx

A Date with a Wealthy Giant. Pt 1.

I’ve got a date tonight. I haven’t yet introduced Richie Rich to you so I need to do this before I run home later and tell you about my evening with him.

Yes, he’s another app man, I think all my men are going to be app men if I’m honest so should I bother telling you that bit from now on?? This time Tinder. Even though I very rarely “like” anyone on these apps, I can definitely say I’m less obliged to swipe right on Tinder. I’ve not had the best of luck with this app, the usual messages I get are “Hi”, “U ok?” and I even got asked if I wanted to sit on someones face once. He let himself down there though as he didn’t even tell me his name. Bad move.

All I needed to see on Richie’s profile was 6ft 6 and my finger uncontrollably swiped right without my brain having a conversation with my eyes. It then went one step further and took it upon itself to write a message full of banter and pressing send (As you can see I’m not afraid of sending the first message). He replied within what seemed like 30 seconds. Not sure if that’s being too keen or what?? Our conversation was ok and within a few days he asked me out for a drink. At this point I usually would have panicked but luckily for me I’m challenging myself this month to just drinking water so I had a brilliant excuse to say “Sorry, I can’t”. So, then he offers that we go for a walk somewhere nice. Hmm, Should I go for walks with strangers?? (Do you see what I do.. two brilliant excuses already). Do I just want a text relationship, would that suffice do you think?? We’ll just get married over the phone y’know, easy. Isn’t that what happens on Catfish??
Anyway, back to the subject. I actually found it quite charming that he would think of something different to do so we don’t have to sit in a pub and drink water. Points awarded to you Richie. A few weeks go by and our schedules just haven’t allowed us to meet for this walk and so he texts and tells me he’s taking me to dinner so I need to pick a day and a venue.

Richie is quite clearly very tall. He’s a tradesman, works within the family business (which he’ll soon be fully taking over) blowing up buildings or something like that. He also saves the occassional family of bats which live in the roofs of the houses he demolishes and he likes circuits (Where you run around a room or a field doing different exercises for an hour or so). He’s got a garden the size of my street and his brother has just moved to Australia which he is very upset about (Me too! But mines more jealousy) so he’s shown he’s quite sensitive too (not a trait I’m overly keen on being shown before we’ve met) but he has interesting conversation which I’m very much a fan of.

Here is my dilemma, because we’ve taken so long to meet, this has given me ample opportunity to ninja stalk the guy. I’ve now worked out that I’m not overly attracted to him (in his photo’s anyway), he’s got a big nose, a receding hairline and it looks as though he only broke up from a long-term loving relationship last month!!! Oh, and he’s wealthy, quite wealthy from what I can tell and now I’m going out for dinner with him. To a standard italian restaurant and I can only drink water. Nothing else to calm the nerves, not a glass of wine or a shot of Vodka or anything.
I haven’t got the worst bristolian accent but it’s there, I have manners but absolutely no etiquette and what if I drop sauce all over me (because that always happens). He wants to meet me somewhere for a drink before but I can’t really go in to a bar and ask for “tap water please”. I’m trying not to think about all of these little things, the nerves will pass after 5 seconds of meeting him and I’ve done this before. It’s easy! Eeeeh, Perhaps it’s not nerves, perhaps I’m actually sick. I mean I couldn’t possibly pass it on to him, should I cancel??

No C, You can do this. It’s easy.

Wish me luck,
Ciao,
C xx