The battle with myself 

I’m adding a new subject to this blog… Weight loss. Getting fit. Being healthy. GAINING CONFIDENCE. 

Its true what they say “No one will love you until you love yourself.” If you don’t love yourself and have a healthy relationship with number one then you will always be searching for someone to help you. You’ll accept any love from any one and this often ends in ‘any one’ being the wrong one. I’ve been there far too many times. I don’t feel good about myself and some jerk offers me a compliment, I accept the compliment because he’s made me feel good. He charms the pants off of me, has his wicked way and leaves me feeling even worse than I did before I met him. This wouldn’t have been his fault, only mine. As I am the only one who can control these inner feelings. Now if I loved myself enough then the Jerk wouldn’t have come within a mile of me. 1) Because I wouldn’t have let him and 2) because he wouldn’t have been able to smell my vulnerability. My confidence would have been a lot stronger than his and I would have won the battle. 

What I’m trying to say is that when you love yourself you don’t need anyone else’s approval, your instinct is so strong that you’d be able to tell the Jerks from the good guys and you’d be an all round winner. It took me a very long time to find some confidence within this soul of mine. And even though I’m no where near where I want to be emotionally, I am way over half way there compared to a few years ago, and I can positively say that even within the small amount of confidence that I’ve gained I can see and feel one heck of a difference in happiness already. 

I’ve always battled with my body. Never being the same as others, too tall, too overweight, not as pretty and petite as my other friends. I’ve been smaller than I am now and my gosh have I been bigger. I’ve had short hair, long hair, dark hair, blonde hair. I’ve never really had an issue with my face, especially if I’m wearing a smile but My weight has always been my struggle. It’s been worse since I lost a few stone as I’ve now become a little obsessed. Constantly worrying about what I’m putting in my mouth but eating it anyway and then complaining and feeling guilty afterwards. I often have flings with chocolate. Binge flings. It’s just been Christmas so it’s been a pretty intense fling this time so I must admit at the moment I’m on a guilt trip and I am giving myself some hefty beating up about it and this is when it all goes wrong. This is where I get annoyed at myself for not having more confidence as I know for the next few weeks I am going to struggle to love myself. 

BUT, I want to end this post on a positive. This is a journey that I shall no doubt be on for the rest of my life. The battle within my soul. Something or maybe even someone caused this battle and being the warrior that I am I have finally found the correct armour to face it. In the last 2 years of my life I have realised that life isn’t about the way you look, or the materialistic life you lead. It isn’t about having the right car or the expensive shoes, or the pretty face and the smallest waist. It’s about love and respect and enjoyment and living the life you can with what you have. Embracing every flaw, everything that makes you different and show the world that actually being different is fun. I’ve realised that it’s actually 500 times better to be different, be quirky, be whatever the fuck you want to be. Because otherwise you will stand in that crowd looking like every other mofo and you will never be noticed. Be crazy and be wild and show the world who you are. Dare to be different. Because if you look closely enough, in a crowd of 99 clones and 1 individual there is only going to be one person who stands out. 

So tonight I’m going to practice my gratitude and give thanks to all that I was given. Hips to keep my babies comfortable, legs to help me reach the top shelf and a wild personality to keep me sane! 

Goodnight world and god bless. 

C xxx


People watching 

One of my favourite pastimes is people watching. Whether it’s sitting in a coffee shop (which is where I am now), or sitting in traffic or in a crowded park. There is just something fascinating about watching other people. I like to make up stories in my head about their lives and what they’re doing. Are they on a date? Are they work colleagues? Are they having a affair and he’s meeting his Mrs Jones for their thing that they got going on (one of my favourite songs ever by the way).

I’m currently sharing this coffee shop moment with the following (and remember this is head thoughts so please don’t be spreading rumours) :-

Ronda and Keith – Husband and wife.. Married for centuries. He’s just found technology, she’s just found peace and quiet. Wouldn’t know what to do without each other but have ran out of conversation.

Danny and his Mother and Daughter – It’s a daddy and daughter day. I reckon he’s a single father. He’s got a coffee date with his mother so she can still keep in contact with her precious granddaughter that her ex daughter in law doesn’t want her to see.

Emma and Sean – They are definitely on a date!! Instinct is kicking in here. Maybe a 2nd or 3rd date as they seem to know each other a little already. She’s brought her baby with her, he’s trying to pretend he isn’t scared of it (I can’t work out if its a boy or a girl sorry). They don’t suit in the slightest. He’s a handsome mixed race sporty guy and she’s a plain Jane kind of girl but he’s definitely into her. I like this love story.

The corporate team meeting – These are actually sat on the table next to me so I’m enjoying earwigging. I’m a woman, I can multitask. So there is 1 man (he’s the boss), and 2 women. The women are complaining about another female member of the team. It all sounds silly to me so god knows what it sounds like to him. He’s looking at me more than he’s listening to them anyway. It might be because I look great today but it could also be that he knows he’s my inspiration today.

There’s many more people to watch here, out of control children being chased by their frustrated mothers, friends complaining about their husbands and workmen reading the latest newspapers but I’m pretty sure page 3 doesn’t take that long to read. Lastly their is a girl in the corner, with a latte ( just like me), and a laptop and she’s scanning the place. She’s definitely another one of me, thinking the same as me and writing the same as me. She’s just grinned … She knows that she is the same as me. I nod my head to let her know I acknowledge this and we happily go back to writing about the world and the people as we see it.

Have a good day. Make it what you will.

C xx