I’m not sure I’m ready to get off..

Amble, a slow walk. Taking your time to smell the flowers, feel the leaves, hear nature, smell the fresh air. Don’t rush. Enjoy life. Because if you think about it, life itself goes by quite fast, so why do we rush it forward even more?! (I started writing this blog yesterday..when the daily prompt was Amble). But the sentence fits so I’m keeping it. 

I met Mr Interview the other evening. I know…a year in the making! I thought it was about time I just bit the bullet and went for it. I hadn’t spoken to him in maybe 4 months and just like that he reappeared. Everywhere. In my head, on the phone and then in the street. His chat had changed this time, it was different, still mainly sex but speaking of holidays, the day, ourselves. He’s that good that he knew I wouldn’t have responded much if he hadn’t have changed his game. Silly me!! I knew exactly what would happen, why do you think I hadn’t met him. I’m not a strong person when it comes to relationships, casual or serious ones. I’m still trying to understand why I’m not strong and how I can be stronger. I put on a front but hey who am I fooling? Just myself. I’ve spent numerous hours, days and weeks working on liking myself, accepting my body and realising that my personality really outshines my flaws but something is obviously not fixed and I still need to realise what that is. 

So I went to his, we chatted and then we did the deed. I got right into it but maybe I didn’t put my all into it, which I should have done. Now at the time I thought I was shining, I’m always quite confident in bed, I like the lights on, I don’t worry about my body and I get involved. But something is telling me that something wasn’t right. This should spell out that maybe there was no spark but to me this spells out that he didn’t like my body, I wasn’t good enough in bed and he didn’t find me attractive. I’m worrying that he faked his orgasm, I’m worrying that he’s wishing he never wasted his time. My demons are running wild with me. Which is really fucking annoying as I know none of this is actually what’s happening in the real world. He walked me home after which probably didn’t help with the effect his charm and great looks has had on. There isn’t many men who would offer to walk you home safe..is there?? 

I think I expected too much even though I knew this is what would happen. I thought if we’d been talking for all this time then it would take a little more than an hour or so to chose to never speak to me again. (I say never again, he’s been polite enough to answer my texts). 

I’ve been on this Carousel now for well over a year, I was really enjoying it but now I’m starting to feel dizzy, I think I should get off but if I’m honest I don’t really want to. But do carousels do anything else but go round in circles and does this mean I’m ready to upgrade to the rollercoaster now instead..

Words of advice, kindness and feedback will help massively today. Comments on a postcard please xxx

Thanks pressers 

C xxx

Dare to share

Today’s daily prompt is either a coincidence or a sign. Being the spiritual believer that I am, I’m taking it as a sign. Although most people will say it’s just a coincidence.

You’ve all learnt about Mr Interview, he’s a FWB kind of guy and I should never get into this situation thinking anything different. I’ve been meaning to share more about this man for a few days but I’ll admit.. I’ve been scared of people’s opinions and judgement. I know I’m anonymous but I grew up believing people should respect themselves and not be so easy to catch etc etc. It’s never got me anywhere and we all have needs don’t we? And I need this man. Hang on let me rephrase that, I don’t need a man but this man… I asked for him, they sent me him and now I have to make the most of the gift I’ve been given before it gets taken away. It’s called spiritual awareness.

So I’m braving it and I’m Daring to enter his world and also Daring to share it with this world.

We’ll start from the next chapter.. When the photo’s started. For a while it’s just been him sharing. He shares and he asks for my opinion always. Sometimes on what I think of him, sometimes on what I think of his hair, sometimes what I think of his body. But he’s always looking for compliments. Maybe he isn’t as confident as he makes out.
I finally played along and returned the favour, yet mine were more classy. Skin on show but nothing too personal. He complimented me but I didn’t need complimenting, maybe I’m more confident than I make out as I wouldn’t have sent the pic if I didnt think it looked good! Since then I’ve sent a few more discreet ones, then the last few have been more intimate and the other day I bared all (Excluding the face). He excites me, he keeps me on my toes and he’s so beautiful my ovaries hurt (A phrase my best friend uses all of time but I’ve never experienced the feeling until now. We’ve almost met on 3 occasions but each time something has got in the way, I’m starting to think he is all talk. By meet I mean, I’ll go to his, we’ll do the deed and then I’ll leave. I can’t emotionally engage with him, once oxytocin has released in my brain I need to scuttle because I do not need oxytocin to engage with this man in any way shape or form.

He’s also asked me my thoughts on open relationships and would I be willing to embark on something like this. My answer was No.. If I am in a relationship I don’t want to share him and so I asked him if he wouldn’t be atall worried that I’d catch feelings for the other guy.. His response was “You wouldn’t have time, I’d allow you to sleep with someone else if you found them attractive but you’d be straight back here to engage with me on an emotional level afterwards”. Mr Grey eat your heart out??!!

You can all cast your judgement on me, but we are living in a generation of fun-loving youngsters where behaviour that your grandparents would turn in their graves over has become acceptable. The girls are behaving like the guys, which to me isn’t a bad thing but the girls are still being scrutinised for this and the guys are still being high-fived for the same behaviour. Things need to change. Life has changed and as much as I want respect I also want to be given the chance to respect them back. It’s called balance. As long as we set the boundaries and the rules at the beginning then the level of respect towards each other is equal.

C xx

Mr Interview

I need to discuss Mr Interview before he becomes another D.

I’m a big fan of the Law of Attraction. I believe it works and I’ve watched it work for me and for a few of my friends. There is a You tube video which I love to watch over and over again. It’s called Finding love using Law of Attraction, If you are a fan of Love then this is such a beautiful story.
A while back I was told to vision my perfect guy. As most would only be able to do when asked to picture something, I concentrated on the looks. I visioned a tall man with a bit of a beard (not too much), glasses, good body but not over top. He had to be quite sexual, up for banter with a great personality. I left it at this.

Now back to my amazing date app. Again, a little bored one evening and just casually scrolling through and “Whoa..STOP. Hold. There he is”. The man I visioned is right in front of me. “You, sir, are very pleasing to the eye and I want to get to know you!”. I click yes, we match and I’m not letting him get away that easily so I message. He responds, we chat maybe one message each a day. It’s very slow, and if I’m honest, a little bit boring.
I’m on holiday and all of a sudden, he’s showing more interest. He’s responding quicker, he’s showing banter, things are looking up. Maybe my vision is appearing. I asked for a guy who looked just like him and who could keep up with my banter. But what did I also ask for? Someone sexual! So what happens next.. A dick pic! I’m not really quite sure what to do with this, it arrives spontaneously right in the middle of a conversation that has nothing to do with dicks. Now, I’m very sexual and I’ve been known to enjoy myself a few times but I’ve never really had a thing for one night stands or a “Just Sex” kind of relationship. It’s just not me. I tried it once and it really didn’t work for me. But at that moment, I’m still thinking that Law of Attraction has worked for me. It just seems there has been some miscommunication and that me and the universe just need an urgent meeting to discuss and all will be fine. I play along for a while, he gets nothing in return. Then he asks me if I’d be willing to answer a list of questions. I play along and we role play into “An Interview”. I was impressed with the conversation, definitely impressed with my interview skills and I was pretty sure I had the job. I was intrigued where this could go.

We’ve been chatting on and off since then and I have been led down the sexual banter path. So many people would tell me that this is going to end bad. Half my friends believe I should walk away, the other half think I should do it! Me.. I want to do it. I want to try something new, something I’ve never done. I want to test my nerves and excite my bones.  I’ve gone so far down the path now that I’ve seen what this guy has in his garden and it’s not the garden in which I’d like to settle but it’s definitely a garden I’d like to visit. I’m still yet to find his true personality (if there is one) and there is no doubt that this man is just out for the sex. I’m 31, I’m clued up, I’m not naive and I’m sure that if I go in with that mind frame then I’ll be just fine.
At the moment I’m just talking to a screen, there is a danger that it isn’t him, I’m aware of this danger and I’m aware what I’m walking in to but I’m lost in the garden now and the only way I can get back out is by walking into the danger.

Now do you understand why I needed you to hear this story. He won’t be the subject for long but while he is, I’d like to share it with you. I think it’ll be fun.

Laters,
C xx